i'm coming round to the idea that i must cut all contact to L. the thought horrifies and scares me but it might just about be the only way for me to find whatever is left of me and start rebuilding. i imagine that if i had a more natural desire of self-preservation and a healthier self-image i would have done this a long time ago. instead i have been desperately trying to avoid this in the hope that he would remain at least a presence within my life but maybe he was right all along saying that what i needed was distance.
normally in similar situations where i can rationally see that something i'm afraid of is for the best, i can sort of push myself through it by temporarily suspending my natural inertia and somehow disconnecting my rational and emotional sides, making my body mechanically do something that in reality i don't want to do. But this time it's really hard, this has an element of foreverness that frightens me. The moment i speak the words, will be the moment that all this will be history, he will be in the past and so will i for him. To top it all up, he will be annoyed and disappointed to learn that i'm still unable to simply see him as a friend which will forever seal his judgement on my inadequacy without a chance for me to go back on my steps.
in the space of 2 paragraphs i'm no longer convinced i want to go through with this.
No comments:
Post a Comment