daydreaming

i'm starting to fear to be losing touch with the "real" world. One of my online profiles (i have a few of those, we go back to the split personality issue) lists my profession as daydreamer. It was meant as a sort of joke but in fact it may be not too far from the truth. I realise more and more that i have a tendency to find refuge in unreal situations i create in my mind. At certain times, they seem to be the only thing that can pull me up from my darkest moods.

At the time when L rejected me, the only way i found to cope that would offer some solace was imagining the exact opposite outcome. Every night before going to bed, inside my head the world would be very different. And the feeling stayed with me until the first few minutes after waking up in the morning. To this day my bed is still the safest place for me. My holy space where nothing can reach me and even when at my lowest i find serenity in sleep that lasts well into the first 10 seconds after waking up.

At times, though, my fictitious life can also push me straight down. I don't know if out of sheer masochism or because i lose control of my own mental activity, i sometimes find myself tangled up in less than desirable make-believe situations that i've created myself and end up losing touch with the fact that they are only taking place inside my head.