mistakes

Can you ever really cleanse yourself of your mistakes?

Some time ago, owned by D, i realised how painful it was for me to mess up. Not painful on account of the punishment, which was always delivered swiftly and vigourously but because of my own inability to let go and put it behind me. Disappointing a master is something which leaves you feeling mortified, it's as if you had lost something you will never be able to regain. D would say that the punishment would wipe the slate clean and the offence would be forgotten but for me forgetting was rather more complicated. Like any other wound it takes time and time alone to heal. D would say "i tell you it's ok, so it's ok, it's forgotten" and i couldn't really argue with him over this, except for knowing within me that it wasn't forgotten.

Now, in these situations you really don't want to turn things into a therapy session in order for you to try and feel better, this is really not what it should all be about, but it's nevertheless hard to simply overcome this heaviness that makes you feel like it's all over and you're never going to regain your Master's trust. Gone are the days when after upsetting a parent, they would smile, tell you it's ok, and you'd feel good again. You'd think a Master would be able to command that same level of control over your feelings so why won't the sadness just go away?

Maybe it's because at that point it's really not about your Master anymore, you're angry at yourself so it's not your Master who must forgive you but you must do it yourself. Can you find it within yourself to have the generosity and compassion to forgive yourself for disappointing the person whose needs and desires you want put before anything else? Clearly not quite yet.

where's jay?

i can't believe i posted twice the same video. This is the saddening confirmation of what little time and attention i've been giving this blog lately...

i do like the song, though.

jay

[snip]

who's a wanker?

Recently I was talking with a friend about a dom we've both met. Things hadn't quite worked out for us and when i brought it up with my friend his comment was plain and simple: he was a wanker. The directness of this statement surprised me. It left me wondering: was he really a wanker? Why didn't i think of it? In my mind things hadn't worked, i was unable to offer him what he wanted, blah blah, the assumption always being that a Master has a right to expect whatever he expects. But come to think of it, i suppose he was the kind of person you might want to call that: a wanker.

But this led me to wonder: why can't i express such ruthless, direct statements about people? I relatively easily tell someone that things are not going to work, for instance. That's pretty ruthless, i guess, and direct, so, if i quickly and easily pass one type of judgement about somebody, why can't i say, even just to myself, that someone is a wanker?

I suppose this would be your usual passive behaviour, not wanting to put yourself above someone else and judge them, but it's somewhat hypocritical because the judgement is there, i can sense it, i'm just completely in denial of it by not voicing or thinking about it.

I guess i just find it an odd character trait of mine that reflects my total refusal to behave in an active or assertive way, to the point of vigourously shaking my head to stop myself from admitting, even only to myself, that, yes, sometimes i do pass judgements on people and, yes, sometimes a Master can be a wanker.