the south coast experience is drawing to a close. I feel bad being the one who breaks things up but when things are not working, they're just not working. You can try and find in yourself the desire to serve and to put yourself second to someone else but ultimately there's only so much you can fool yourself.
I also think i've sort of lost it a bit, the ability to be a good slave. I think i'm just not that dedicated anymore. Like i've written in a previous post, i'm waiting for someone who'll drag me right back into it but i don't feel willing to show too much initiative anyway. If i am to meet someone who's going to take control of me, he has to take this control, instead of relying on my desire to give it up.
I realise this is a whole big contradiction, it's a very delicate balance but the basis of any relationship is a delicate balance and a Master/slave relationship is no different. You can't make it work on paper. You can't overdefine what can or can't be done, what everyone is supposed to feel.
i don't know if i can still be a slave. there's only so many people you can feel loyal to. You can't feel loyal to one man, then another, then another... it's a very strong bond and it is cheapened by being redefined so frequently.
I think i've updated my profile too quickly to add my owner's profile as required by him. But the truth is, there's never been an owner who's taken the time to display his ownership of me on his profile and i felt touched by this gesture. Now i feel stupid to take it off a mere couple of weeks after it went up but i think it's necessary.
Some time ago, a man i was chatting to asked me: 'when did you first realise that you were a slave?'. Not 'when did you first become one' or 'when were you first enslaved'. This idea of it being something that is within me, rather than something that i choose evokes a deeply felt response in me. I don't know if it's there or not. I don't know if i'm a slave regardless of whether i'm owned by anybody. I suspect that if i were a proper slave i wouldn't be breaking things up with my current owner and i would just make it work from my point of view until he'd get tired of me. Saying that things aren't working so i'm stopping doesn't sound like slave talk to me. So i feel ashamed of it, but this kind of slavery involves an element of free will that contradicts it.
Devotion, though, is a big fucking thing and i don't think you can be devoted to slavery, you must be devoted to a master, your Master. These switches just dilute what is a very powerful and deeply felt bond and at the moment i feel so diluted i'm just dirty water.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Sunday, July 16, 2006
exits
Some time ago, a master/friend told me of this experience he'd had. He had met a couple online who lived in a different town. They arranged a session in which he'd visit them, stay overnight at their place and have both of them serve him. The session came and went uneventfully well and left a lingering good feeling for my friend up until he spoke to one of the two guys in question and found out that the other one had since taken his life.
At the time he recounted this experience i was very affected by it, as i was myself planning my own exit. Well, planning is kind of a big word, somewhat misleading considering that the act of planning it was the only thing that seemed to positively affect the way i felt, perhaps because i felt i was doing something about it. In any case, it was a fairly bad time, as you might imagine, followed by antidepressants and therapy instead of a jump off some bridge. To this day i'm not sure all that really worked. It did for some time but it's hard to isolate what events have an effect on your life when there's so much going on.
Now i'm off the antidepressants and i'm considering spending my money on something other than psychotherapy. I guess i should learn to live happily with my melancholic, depressive self. I don't know if i ever really had depression, i don't understand depression. I was depressed, yes, but i think i had a reason to be and i do now, still. So do i learn to tackle my own ghosts or do i keep living convincing myself that i'm doing something about it? Or do i go check out that bridge? I think i'm way to passive in life to ever do something that clamorous and i'm not oblivious to the effects that a gesture of this nature can have on the people who are left behind - and by that i don't mean only people i might have had sessions with or their depressed friends.
So i stay away from that bridge, i'm unlikely to ever come close to crossing it. Instead i absorb these self-destructive desires the way you might do the blows of a paddle during a session: trying to simply accept them. Without rebellion.
At the time he recounted this experience i was very affected by it, as i was myself planning my own exit. Well, planning is kind of a big word, somewhat misleading considering that the act of planning it was the only thing that seemed to positively affect the way i felt, perhaps because i felt i was doing something about it. In any case, it was a fairly bad time, as you might imagine, followed by antidepressants and therapy instead of a jump off some bridge. To this day i'm not sure all that really worked. It did for some time but it's hard to isolate what events have an effect on your life when there's so much going on.
Now i'm off the antidepressants and i'm considering spending my money on something other than psychotherapy. I guess i should learn to live happily with my melancholic, depressive self. I don't know if i ever really had depression, i don't understand depression. I was depressed, yes, but i think i had a reason to be and i do now, still. So do i learn to tackle my own ghosts or do i keep living convincing myself that i'm doing something about it? Or do i go check out that bridge? I think i'm way to passive in life to ever do something that clamorous and i'm not oblivious to the effects that a gesture of this nature can have on the people who are left behind - and by that i don't mean only people i might have had sessions with or their depressed friends.
So i stay away from that bridge, i'm unlikely to ever come close to crossing it. Instead i absorb these self-destructive desires the way you might do the blows of a paddle during a session: trying to simply accept them. Without rebellion.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
the win
Over a weekend that has seen me being taken on by a new owner italy wins the world cup and these pictures wind up in mine and many other inboxes. Not very original, there's a vague dieux du stade theme going with perhaps even more of a gay undertone.
Monday, July 3, 2006
someone new
i have met someone new. well, we haven't met technically, i'm going to brighton to meet him this weekend. Talking to him i feel so close and so far from what i'm seeking. And so close and so far from understanding what it is this thing that i'm so desperately seeking. Belonging, safety, security. All this seems to be waiting for me at a man's feet, this magical place that just like the end of a rainbow always seems close by, and yet it is impossible to reach.
So i'll go to brighton, if he likes me i'll serve him and i'll come back. Maybe i'll feel satisfied coming back, or maybe i'll be wondering why i did it. i guess it will all depend on how i feel about him.
i do try to empty myself of personal feelings and learn to serve regardless of my personal preferences, and i do, sometimes, my actions take place inside, outside and next to me, i can let them happen without relating to them, carrying out a task without necessarily answering the question why i am doing it. But sooner or later the question catches up with me and expects an answer, and won't let go until it's got it out of me, or at least until i've given it proper attention.
i'm not the soulless slave that i try to be sometimes, the robotic automaton that carries out orders without question.
i so wish i was: capable of serving the young and the old, the good-looking and the ugly, aware of my role as a service provider. instead i have emotions that get in the way and come to haunt me.
Once D told me: i don't expect my slave to exhibit free will. He was angry with me for something i had done and when a Master has been angry with you, you can't forget it ever. He used to say that punishment cleanses the mistake, that it wipes the slate clean, but to me there was never any going back. The pain of having messed up always stays with you
Maybe being a slave should be all about relinquishing pain and emotions, abandoning my body for someone else to manage. Well, i'm not doing very well at it, i'm constantly stuck with this bundle of confused emotions where i can't tell one end from the other.
It's only monday and the end of the rainbow still looks pretty far.
So i'll go to brighton, if he likes me i'll serve him and i'll come back. Maybe i'll feel satisfied coming back, or maybe i'll be wondering why i did it. i guess it will all depend on how i feel about him.
i do try to empty myself of personal feelings and learn to serve regardless of my personal preferences, and i do, sometimes, my actions take place inside, outside and next to me, i can let them happen without relating to them, carrying out a task without necessarily answering the question why i am doing it. But sooner or later the question catches up with me and expects an answer, and won't let go until it's got it out of me, or at least until i've given it proper attention.
i'm not the soulless slave that i try to be sometimes, the robotic automaton that carries out orders without question.
i so wish i was: capable of serving the young and the old, the good-looking and the ugly, aware of my role as a service provider. instead i have emotions that get in the way and come to haunt me.
Once D told me: i don't expect my slave to exhibit free will. He was angry with me for something i had done and when a Master has been angry with you, you can't forget it ever. He used to say that punishment cleanses the mistake, that it wipes the slate clean, but to me there was never any going back. The pain of having messed up always stays with you
Maybe being a slave should be all about relinquishing pain and emotions, abandoning my body for someone else to manage. Well, i'm not doing very well at it, i'm constantly stuck with this bundle of confused emotions where i can't tell one end from the other.
It's only monday and the end of the rainbow still looks pretty far.
Saturday, July 1, 2006
still on the market
The other day i met someone new. We'd chatted a couple of times but not extensively and never got around to arranging anything.
The experience was quite intense and again led me to wonder what it is exactly that i'm looking for. I don't feel willing to become a slave again. Not now. I don't know why. I'm leaving it up to a potential owner to convince me that that is still what i want.
I think that ultimately for me to define an experience of this nature as positive i have to have the feeling that i've managed to please who was using me. And this time i didn't get that impression. I didn't think he was pleased or had particularly enjoyed himself which evokes only one response from me: the experience was negative, i must get out of here.
Yet it felt right to be naked and available, try and focus on someone else, try to serve and please him. I guess i have this overwhelming desire to make myself useful. It's a little pathetic really. It is really all about being in service to someone. I can't say for sure that i enjoy the abuse part of things. I take it because that's what's expected of me and I try not to complain about it.
A lot of people don't necessarily understand that i don't define all of this as "hot". i don't find it hot to be "used and abused", what i find hot is for a man to have that kind of power over somebody else. So the emphasis is not on me, and i don't want it to be. Masters who try to think about me having a good time by doing this or that, who want to know what i like, what i do, lose my attention quickly. Masters who try to educate me to learn what they like and give me the opportunity to give them exactly what they want retain my interest and loyalty for ever.
The reason that i call myself a slave is not that i want to be bound, gagged, fucked or beaten but that i want to be instrumental to someone else's pleasure.
The experience was quite intense and again led me to wonder what it is exactly that i'm looking for. I don't feel willing to become a slave again. Not now. I don't know why. I'm leaving it up to a potential owner to convince me that that is still what i want.
I think that ultimately for me to define an experience of this nature as positive i have to have the feeling that i've managed to please who was using me. And this time i didn't get that impression. I didn't think he was pleased or had particularly enjoyed himself which evokes only one response from me: the experience was negative, i must get out of here.
Yet it felt right to be naked and available, try and focus on someone else, try to serve and please him. I guess i have this overwhelming desire to make myself useful. It's a little pathetic really. It is really all about being in service to someone. I can't say for sure that i enjoy the abuse part of things. I take it because that's what's expected of me and I try not to complain about it.
A lot of people don't necessarily understand that i don't define all of this as "hot". i don't find it hot to be "used and abused", what i find hot is for a man to have that kind of power over somebody else. So the emphasis is not on me, and i don't want it to be. Masters who try to think about me having a good time by doing this or that, who want to know what i like, what i do, lose my attention quickly. Masters who try to educate me to learn what they like and give me the opportunity to give them exactly what they want retain my interest and loyalty for ever.
The reason that i call myself a slave is not that i want to be bound, gagged, fucked or beaten but that i want to be instrumental to someone else's pleasure.
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