over him

A few days ago I met L for a drink. I felt fine this time. I have been feeling fine most times I've met him recently, but maybe with a slightly sad aftertaste. This time, though, there was none of that. i think i'm over him. We chatted casually and i felt fine all along, maybe because we never touched upon the unmentionable topics: slavery, ownership, etc. It's definitely best to leave things that way. I don't want to know that about him anymore.

When i look into his eyes, i am reminded of all the crap, the sadness, the feelings of inadequacy, the loss of self-esteem, but it's somehow distant. I poke at it hesitantly with my memory trying to see it again, like you do leaning out over the edge of a tall building: to feel the pull of the void below you, to know what it's like. I tease myself with it and i stare out into my own void. It's my own little freak show and i'm jealous and protective of it. But when i do that, i look into the eyes of a man i don't really understand, with desires i don't understand. Just like i don't understand my relationship with him. i can't grasp him, and when i think i can, i can't help but feel that maybe i imagined the person i was in love with. That's when i think that i'm over him.

When he left to go to the restroom his jacket was right in front of me. i looked at it, like this part of him that he had left behind for me. I stared intently into its collar and had the urge to bury my nose hard into it and inhale through its fabric like it was my last ever chance to breathe. It was an urge of possession, breathing him in, all in, like he could never escape that way. i would inhale and never stop inhaling, until all the tiny little particles of him that have escaped him through the pores of his skin would be thousands of miles trapped inside of me, buried in my lungs, and i could cherish and hold them for ever.

i'm over him. i'm totally over him.

grab-a-fetish

the perverse smile

i remember what it's like growing up with thoughts of slavery. I used to feel like i was the strangest, most perverse creature to walk the earth. Well, clearly i still feel kind of odd on that account but not as much. It's funny how these days i log onto one or another web "community" and i see some of my friends who are online, i have met a lot of them, i know what they are like, what they do for a living and i know that they want to own a slave or be one. The perverse wear human clothes and have human hearts and they don't look so perverse anymore. A guy messaged me tonight with such kind words about the blog. It's nice when that happens, when links are created and the perverse smile at and recognise each other.

familiar smell

My office is located not far from a very well stocked fetish store here in London. The other day i went out for some sort of business lunch with some people from work and in order to reach the restaurant we walked past it. I didn't think of it beforehand but as i was talking to my colleagues i was suddenly assaulted by the familiar, intoxicating smell of rubber. It all felt very odd, combining those people with that smell. None of them seemed to notice but I wondered if some of them recognised that smell too.

crossroads

Recently i've been spending time on iVisit. Too much time, in fact. My profile says i don't do cyber or camsex, and it's true, i'm really not interested in that but from time to time it occurs to me, out of boredom more than anything else, to set up the webcam and enter this video chat-room full of men mostly wanking with their cams pointed at their bits as they lazily stroke them looking at other men who've also pointed their cams at their bits as they lazily stroke them.

Some images may be vaguely intriguing -- often, for me, depending on whether the shot is taken from the bottom up or the top down, or how comfortably they seem to be sitting -- but for the most part (as someone who's not particularly into cock shots) they're just boring. I guess the whole atmosphere just calls on my exhibitionism, though. Some men will ask me to show them something, or do something, and although i don't start the whole cam adventure thinking of playing slave on cam, when i'm addressed directly by a man playing with his cock, and i'm asked to do something, i guess something takes over me and even if my plan was simply to go to bed unwound, i have to put that plan on hold and start doing what i'm told.

I guess the appeal is also not knowing who will be in the chat-room and sometimes it's the men i would be least likely to go for in real life that i like to accommodate the most.

In any case i generally get hooked on this for a few days at a time and then don't go back to it for many months. But there's also a very sociable aspect to all this: that you sometimes meet really nice people. It's the democracy of masturbation: we're all equals fallo-in-hand, so you can talk much more freely if you're that way inclined. One such person, JM, i felt very close to at times although i haven't talked to him in quite some time now.

You see, you can view it as a crossroads where many people come (quite literally in fact) like a big train station where we all cross each other, each with our separate destinations in mind, but for a few minutes or so we're all sharing the same space.

psycho

big brother

So, life's been going on. I've been making timid attempts at letting my slave self come out again but it just doesn't seem to happen. My current theory is that it's all down to chemistry.

A lot of people don't want to meet for a preliminary talk to find out about each other and see if we want to take things up a notch. They feel that if we meet in a social situation the mood will be spoilt, that we'll just be friends and it will be hard to move to a Master/slave dynamic.

I think these are the people that it won't work with anyway. I need to serve a Master who's confident, because I lack that confidence, a Master who can be in charge even if we're having a drink, who doesn't need me to be tied up to feel empowered, who can feel our different roles the way i can. If he's all shy when we meet for a drink, it's not going to work only because he acts dominant at his place.

I guess it's almost a romantic approach, i need to feel seduced by, interested in, excited about my Master. Not deliberately seduced and not sexually excited - although that's clearly going to happen too - but excited about who he is and how he makes me feel. I can't agree on the basis of a chat: yes i'll be your slave and you'll be my master. It's something that we need to find out in person.

These days i'm even fantasising about a very odd, hard to define relationship. Maybe it's what they call older/younger brother. Someone that i'm more friends with, where there's complicity and genuine interest in each other, but knowing, though, that i will take care of his sexual needs and that he's the one in charge. Without all the theatre.

I'm just feeling a little disappointed about how things tend to go in fetishland, it's all treated as though it were a separate reality that has to be kept distant from everything else whereas i need to try and integrate it into my everyday life.