tug-of-war

i like to serve and submit. Now, this will often entail giving priority to someone else's wishes over your own. What do you do when the person you are serving wants something that you don't want? Doing it means pleasing that part of you that wants to serve and submit. Not doing it means pleasing the other part of you that doesn't want to do it. This can be perceived as always getting something out of it. On the other hand a slightly more pessimistic viewer such as myself will perceive this as never getting what you want. Actually the very concept of "wanting" is called into question. What is it that i want? I want one thing as well as its opposite. In fact I want what I don't want and, by these rules, wanting becomes meaningless. This duality is very much part of my life and myself on every level, so much so that I find it extremely hard to understand what it is that i actually want. Everything is just as true as its exact opposite. i want to be loved and toyed with, valued and thought of as inferior, cherished and irrelevant, precious and useless, first and last. i have developed a low opinion of myself spawned out of the firm and somewhat presumptuous belief that i have a profound and accurate understanding of myself. It is this very self-knowledge that leads me to understand that i have no idea of what i want. i want a life of tender and loving warmth within a mutually fulfilling partnership with my boyfriend and one of selfless dehumanisation at the service of an owner that will use me for his own pleasure with no regard for my desires. It's the fight between the saint and the slut. Some people have perceived me as a hypocrite: a dirty boy who pretends to be good, others as a goodie-goodie trying to seem naughty. But i'm quite literally both: 2 people sharing (badly) one single body and fighting with one another, pulling my life in opposite directions. And i (!) am right in the middle, torn between contrasting desires and unsure who to side with. Now i seem to have become three. Délire de grandeur? Possibly, but not without a well developed inferiority complex.

My great fascination for L was unarguably influenced by my firm belief that he had my "opposite opposites". L is sweet and mean, loving and sadistic, he would always say the sweetest thing followed by some nasty comment. He somehow perfectly matches my duality with his own allowing me to magically be in one place and another, one thing and its opposite, keeping me, myself and i very happy.

In a way he continues to do that by praising and rejecting me. Theoretically i should feel fulfilled by this outcome. But i don't. i'm the good boy that he doesn't want as a slave and the perverted mind he doesn't want as a partner. In the end his rejection is what hurts the most. After all, whether prized or worthless, all that my selves need is to be wanted. Whatever that turns out to mean...