Wednesday, May 26, 2010

how a slave performs a task

I often find myself in the morning in that space between sleep and wake where you can gently push your thoughts in one direction and see them turn into some kind of dream. In fact i'm not always sure when thoughts have originated in another dream and when I've been the one to voluntarily initiate them.

This morning, i half-woke up with images in my head of a large cage that slaves could be kept in waiting for an interested buyer. At some point i was in there with other slaves and i was being bought to be used to serve customers in my future Master's tavern (!).

I think this imagery links back to when i was spending time in Second Life serving as a Gorean slave. Serving drinks and generally ensuring the comfort of the Free was part of what my service sometimes entailed and i think much of my dream scenario was roughly based around those situations.

In my dream i remember taking two guests' orders and then scurrying off to get the two men their drinks. As i did so, i would ensure the glasses were impeccably clean and the drinks would be at the right temperature.

This prompted me to reflect on something regarding my perception of what a slave does. A slave shouldn't mechanically perform a task he is assigned because he fears the repercussions of disobedience. I think a slave should put everything into performing any task as best he can out of a genuine desire to ensure the person he is serving will be fully satisfied with the service they receive.

It is almost a question of finding pride and joy in your service. A slave should love to serve and please and should understand that to be his purpose in life. A slave should always want to make sure that whatever task he was given, he couldn't have performed any better.

This ensures the person he is serving always receives the best possible service. A free person shouldn't have to worry about the details of a task they assign to a slave, only that the outcome is as expected, if not better.

Yes, these are actually the thoughts in my head before i've even got out of bed.

I generally try to put this kind of thinking into serving Master. Unfortunately i don't spend as much time with Him as i would like, so the opportunities to do that are limited, but when i am with Him, the desire to see Him pleased is overwhelming.

One of the things that Master enjoys is to have His feet massaged while he is resting or is busy with something else and this is one of the tasks He likes to have His slave around for. Master often has me do this for Him and i have to say that i experience such a sense of purpose when i kneel at His feet and silently take care of this task for Him. I truly feel that in this role, i am allowed to express to Him how much i love and worship Him and i like to put all i have into doing this for Him.

That same degree of attention is what i think a slave should have in any task he is given and that is usually the standard i strive for. I'm not saying that my service is always impeccable: i do get physically tired and my service will be negatively affected by that but i think that the pleasure of serving and truly be useful is what makes me the kind of slave that i am.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

identity and exclusivity

When my partner and i first got together i was very young. At the time i hadn't given the prospect of actually becoming a slave any thought. I had always fantasised about it, but it was that: just a dream. I had never thought it might be possible without anyone inventing a time machine. This was before the internet became a dating tool. In those days you met who you met without refining by dropdown filters on a search page. Weren't we savages back then?

When i first came out to my boyfriend as a submissive it was a couple of weeks into our relationship. It was very hard for me to get it out as i had never really told anyone. The night i told him it was all a big drama, i ended up crying, i was ashamed, i thought i was disappointing him by being so weird. He was a bit shocked at first -- again, you must remember that this was before the internet could bring everything you've never wanted to know right there on your desktop -- but quickly came round to it and said he would "work around it", or something to that effect.

Working around it was great news for me at the time. It meant my submissiveness might actually be acknowledged in my life. Over time it became clear that this solution was not ideal. My dream was to be someone's slave and to be submissive to someone who's letting you serve them to make you happy has nothing to do with it. Yet, in those rare moments when i could be submissive, i was feeling something i had never felt before. I could be myself.

It's no coincidence that i talk about "coming out" because it's very similar to the way gay people feel when they can be openly gay and have people acknowledge that about them. It's incredible how important that is for us as people: to have our identities acknowledged. People who so squarely fall into the mainstream (if they are really out there) can't really understand what it feels like to not have that.

But over time, acknowledging it with my boyfriend alone was not enough, especially because i was never his slave although i was submissive sexually. But he didn't want an exclusively submissive sexual partner and having to go outside of that area made me a little uncomfortable.

Over time our relationship became open and i started exploring outside the nest. In this context i met people who knew from the start of my submissive nature and could relate to me on that level.

I think it's impossible to describe how liberating it feels to be open about it (which is also the main reason behind this blog). Talking to other submissives, for instance, can sometimes evoke a connection that is almost fraternal and translates an understanding that goes far beyond what words can express. And talking to a dominant man, who knows me as a submissive, puts me face to face with my very nature. It's primal, it's palpable tension and the pull is sometimes irresistible. it's lambs and wolfs, humans and vampires, moths and flames, planets and black holes…

That's what has made it hard over the years to find a Master that could make me a happy slave after going through many situations that were wrong for me but that sometimes i could not pull myself out of. Some men tried to enslave me and i tried to resist it, but found it hard sometimes, creating situations where it was unclear to them what i actually wanted.

The concept of a happy slave may make some readers smile incredulously. Does a slave have a right to aspire to be happy? Isn't that a contradiction of a slave's duty to quietly and promptly obey?

Perhaps… Perhaps i'm not a good enough slave in that sense. I do believe that a person's submissive nature doesn't preclude their right to aspire to be happy in their service to their owners and i'm very happy to finally be orbiting around that happiness.

I say orbiting because i'm obviously floating between my partner and my Master.

My partner and i always stayed together because, apart from some lack of sexual compatibility, we are deeply in love with each other and even now, in our second decade together, we can't stand to be apart for too long.

But over the years our relationship has evolved towards what was right for us. Our sex life stopped being central in our relationship until it became something that's external to it and doesn't involve each other anymore. These days my sexual life is completely in my Master's domain and serving Him sexually is all the sex i want or need. Or get, for that matter...

I suppose it is a little frustrating at times, considering that i don't see Master very frequently, but what slave can claim a right to not experience some frustration from time to time. Besides, i wouldn't want it any other way. The knowledge that i am exclusively reserved for Master's service makes me very happy and, most importantly, makes Him happy. My lack of sexual activity makes it all the more special when Master chooses to have me serve Him as it truly does make it all about Him.

I also love knowing that exclusivity obviously only goes one way. I never signed up for an equal relationship and i'm happy not having one. All i need is His continued desire to keep me for His exclusive service and use, to continue feeling his dominion over me and be allowed to express my identity to a Man who understands it, appreciates it and knows what to do with it.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

all about my Master

A few days ago, i asked Master if He would allow me to write a little more about Him in this blog.

I have now been His for over 2 years. Two years and a quarter, in fact. Over this time, i have never written much about my slavery mainly because, as i've explained before, i felt that it wasn't really mine to talk about. In order to write about it, i have to write about my Master and i wasn't really sure He would want me to or that i should even ask. I always hesitate to ask something of Master, unless i have to. My reasoning is that if i have to ask, it is not something that He has wanted in the first place and asking for something for myself is not adequate slave behaviour.

i suppose we could call this a guideline, rather than a strict rule: i'm in no way claiming that i have never asked Master anything that he hadn't initiated first but i suppose i try to limit the extent to which i risk being a nuisance for Him and this request was never pressing enough to float to the top of the list of things to ask.

As it turns out, over 2 years and a quarter, the question has made its way to the top of said list and Master has allowed me to write a few things about Him which means i can now blog a little about my current situation.

As readers of this blog will know already, in the past my search for a Master has been hindered by the fact that i am not unattached. Although my partner of many years is aware of my submissive nature and understands my need to make it part of my real life, this has limited the number of Masters who have been interested in taking me as their slave. Personally, i have little interest in one-offs, role-play or "scenes" and was always seeking a deeper connection that would link me to the man who'd take me in hand but the masters who sought a slave like me, also wanted a live-in situation or an otherwise full-time arrangement.

Lucky for me, this has not been an issue for my Master because He cannot actually have me around all the time as he is also not unattached.

In fact, i am available to Him much more than He can even have me around which, although frustrating at times, means that i'm always available for Him when He wants me to go and serve Him and obviously this is the way things should be.

But this time around is not only a first in the sense that i am able to feel i can actually satisfy the Man who owns me in terms of His expectations with regards to the time He wants me with Him, He is also very different from any master who has tried his hand with me in the past in a number of ways, the most noteworthy of which is the fact that He is straight.

i must admit it was always a fantasy of mine to serve a straight man. i suppose the reality of it is different from the fantasy, as i will explain in a minute, but it's still a pretty strong factor playing on my mind as it is one additional element emphasising the difference between us.

My Master and i were born within a matter of days of each other at the opposite ends of the world. I think this similarity and opposition between us is quite emblematic of everything about us as it symbolises how we are at the same time very similar and very different from each other: in fact we could potentially have been the same type of person, but we're not: He's dominant and strong-willed and i'm quiet and submissive, He's stronger and i'm weaker, He's straight and i'm gay, He's my Master and i'm His slave.

It just all feels right.

Our personalities complement each other so well. From my point of view, He's everything that i am not and i love serving Him for that and can't thank my lucky star enough that He has chosen me, of all people, to be His slave.

I must admit that i like the fact that He is this "unsuspectable" straight married man out there in the world and i am -- unbeknownst to all -- His adoring slave.

I think the main bonus of my Master being straight is the fact that He is obviously completely disconnected from the "gay scene" which is an environment i have always found quite off-putting. I do like to hang around at the occasional gay bar for drinks and such but i have never liked the whole cruisy side of gay life and the superficiality that often seems to pervade it.

But His sexual orientation obviously also affects the way in which i serve Him, which, again, is very different from any Master who's owned me in the past. Initially, sexual service was not a strong part of the reason why Master wanted to own a slave but pretty quickly He began making use of me sexually. Sex with Master, however, is very different from sex with any other man before Him. His excitement comes not from any sexual objectification of me personally but purely through the power relationship: the knowledge that my body is His to use however He wishes and sex is but one of those uses.

In my case, obviously, it's a little different: i am very attracted to Master, i'm excited any time i'm near Him and love serving Him in whatever way He wants. I suppose this is one further difference between us that sees me being in a weaker role. This lack of sexual objectification on His part, however, is something i hadn't considered or worked into my previous fantasies about serving a straight man and it was initially something i was unprepared for.

I had never consciously thought about it before but a gay Master will look at a male slave differently from a straight Master. This is so obvious to say now, but before Master came around, i had never thought about it. That sexual tension is something that is clearly there with a gay Master and doesn't need to be spoken but the minute it's not there, you are definitely aware of its absence and a slave's nakedness can become much more naked.

I'm in no way implying that i feel rejected by Master but i think that in this context a slave becomes a lot more like a pet -- which incidentally is what Master likes to call me sometimes. He calls me His pet. And i truly feel that way 100%.

In this context there is no overlapping between the relationship we share and the ones with our respective partners because they could not be any more different. Of course i love my Master very much, but in an entirely different way from the way i do my partner. My Master is not my partner: He is my Owner, the man i lovingly serve and worship. And similarly i also feel His love for me, which i'm well aware, is very different from the love He has for His wife.

This leaves no room for any kind of jealousy. The simplicity and linearity of these feelings is what makes my slavery so special: there are no uncertainties, no mixed signals, no doubts, no scope for the relationship to develop in unforeseen directions.

All there is here is one Man and His slave.