At times i feel as though i'm walking a fine line between sanity and insanity, happiness and depression and it takes very little for these dimensions to come dangerously near or even clash. Keeping these emotions up in the air means i'm one of those toys that move responding to music and a sad or happy song is sometimes all it takes to determine my state of mind.
Fortunately escapism is something i've always been fairly skilled at but I've practiced it so unmodestly in the past that i sometimes have to wonder: what is my reality and what is the world i escape to? Am i the slave who's too afraid to give into his desire for a life of submission and hides in a vanilla touchy-feely relationship or am i just a regular guy who escapes the responsibilities and stress of everyday life by seeking a bit of thrill on the side? Am i both? Neither? I am really frankly incapable of finding an answer to that question.
All i know is that from time to time i'm overwhelmed by such sadness that i find myself unable to cope as i feel that too much is missing from my life. A desire to end things is something i'm not unfamiliar with, as any careful reader will have detected, but it's something i've come to experience as though it weren't even me. I know it comes and i know it goes. So, when it's here, i don't do anything to fight it. I observe it as though it was a visitor sitting across the table from me. We sit together and make polite conversation, until the moment comes for my visitor to leave again. But until the time comes for us to part, his presence here spells the greatest sense of emptiness for me. A familiar sense of emptiness, but emptiness nonetheless.
By the way, i have company, i should go.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Saturday, January 5, 2008
security alert: red
My second life (SL) is going great. I have been bought by the best Master a slave could hope for, i've moved into a kennel which he has built in a corner of his bedroom where i can watch him sleep through the bars that fence in the confined security of the space that he has given me inside his home.
But when, going through security at an airport, you catch yourself cherishing the touch of the security guard who's searching you for concealed weapons, that's the time you start to wonder if you might not be in the need for more real-life physical contact.
Before going off on holiday over Christmas, i had agreed with a dominant man that, come January, i would go to see him and serve him. When he contacted me today, i wasn't in the mood because what i really felt i wanted was to spend time with my SL Owner. But i willed myself to accept, on account of the security guard incident, yes, but also because my time in SL has been showing me the joy that i can draw from simply being available to serve the needs and desires of others.
I started preparing my body for service, going through some standard steps to ensure offering a Master a more pleasant service and the simple act of doing this was enjoyable. You handle your own body as a gift that you can offer somebody to use and the act of giving is what gives a slave joy. All along, I was thinking about my SL Owner who i've discussed this with and felt bad about the thought of serving someone else, but i made myself see the line that separates my first and second lives and i resolved to continue.
It was only because of an unpleasant message i received from the man i was supposed to serve that i eventually decided to cancel my visit. It became very clear that we had different ideas about what it is to serve and to deserve enjoying service. You see, it's not enough to have a slave's heart for the interaction to work. It's important for the dominant to understand what it is to use a slave, what makes a man a Man (and another man a slave) and, just to be clear, it generally has little to do with being abusive or talking dirty and doesn't require disrespecting anybody.
But when, going through security at an airport, you catch yourself cherishing the touch of the security guard who's searching you for concealed weapons, that's the time you start to wonder if you might not be in the need for more real-life physical contact.
Before going off on holiday over Christmas, i had agreed with a dominant man that, come January, i would go to see him and serve him. When he contacted me today, i wasn't in the mood because what i really felt i wanted was to spend time with my SL Owner. But i willed myself to accept, on account of the security guard incident, yes, but also because my time in SL has been showing me the joy that i can draw from simply being available to serve the needs and desires of others.
I started preparing my body for service, going through some standard steps to ensure offering a Master a more pleasant service and the simple act of doing this was enjoyable. You handle your own body as a gift that you can offer somebody to use and the act of giving is what gives a slave joy. All along, I was thinking about my SL Owner who i've discussed this with and felt bad about the thought of serving someone else, but i made myself see the line that separates my first and second lives and i resolved to continue.
It was only because of an unpleasant message i received from the man i was supposed to serve that i eventually decided to cancel my visit. It became very clear that we had different ideas about what it is to serve and to deserve enjoying service. You see, it's not enough to have a slave's heart for the interaction to work. It's important for the dominant to understand what it is to use a slave, what makes a man a Man (and another man a slave) and, just to be clear, it generally has little to do with being abusive or talking dirty and doesn't require disrespecting anybody.
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