pain & hurt

June 2, 2004, the big dump: when L told me he didn't want me as his slave he said: when i'm with a slave i want it to be painful for him, not hurtful.

That was the first time for me that these 2 words were taking such drastically different meanings. In the gallery of human feelings, their very different places were suddenly so clearly defined and, in a split second, they belonged to, and even embodied, 2 completely separated universes: physical and emotional.

If someone punches you in the stomach you might say that it "hurts" or if you are feeling horribly sad and lonely, you might feel like you're in pain. But for me, from June 2, 2004, there is only one acceptable meaning for pain and it's not to be confused with hurt.

After a messy year and many anti-depressants i've become careful to observe the lesson learned on June 2 and accept pain but shy away from coming too close to actual hurt. But sometimes hurt is inescapable: it can hide behind the most innocuous of smiles and can play funny tricks on you if you so much as lower your defenses for a mere second.

And once it's on you, you can try and shake it off all you want: it grabs you by the throat like nothing else

acritical

i've recently been asked about how things are developing with my owner and reflecting on developments, i thought it made sense to blogify my little progress report.

The person in question said he liked the idea of being broken down and rebuilt as a slave. Personally i wouldn't say i'm being broken down. My master understands very well that it's within my nature to want to serve and please and has chosen to make use of it – which i'm immensly grateful to him for.

i think, aside from building up physical strength and resistance to a certain type of stimulation, i've mostly learnt not to question his orders. Not in the sense that i ever questioned why i had to do something but i guess his orders were normally channelled through my brain as information to be processed and, preferably, accepted, but – generally – evaluated in some way.

All that has changed. Some orders may be a little harder than others, but none are unreasonable and i'm learning to disconnect my own judgement and leave everything up to him, because ultimately i trust him fully and i know that he will always decide what's best for me.

But he's not demolishing my sense of self. On the contrary, he's helping me fulfill my potential and feel happy and valued as his slave.

no news, good news

the recent blog-silence is due to the period of not seeing my master finally coming to an end. Over the last week, i have seen and been able to serve my owner very regularly.

A few people have contacted me online to ask if the situation had evolved and i realise that, after a rather sad post such as the last one, i should have followed up with the recent developments. But the time to do so has been little.

Developments can be summed up as follows: i'm a very, very lucky slave.

withheld

i have been hesitant to post blogs about what's been going on with me because it bordered on areas that i felt i shouldn't disclose. So i held on to what i was writing but now i'm feeling empty and need to let it go.

i hope that my Master, if he reads this, will not feel that i'm trying to push him but will simply understand that it's just my need to expose what i'm feeling.


[written sun 4 Dec 2005, 1pm]

it feels like i should start the process of re-owning myself. Every time i talk to my master i am more and more convinced that i want to continue to belong to him and wait, as long as it takes, but then there's no contact, for so long. And my slavery is all about the long wait, a long wait that seems to stretch forever.

A bad sign is i'm starting to feel that i have to shield myself from him, that i'm in for more hurt and disappointment.

Not to mention that my kidneys are killing me


[written sun 4 Dec 2005, 10am]

end of week 5.

i don't know what to do. He said i would see him this weekend but he hasn't contacted me and i have once again spent a weekend at home, waiting.

i feel sad. my blind trust in him is starting to crumble. He keeps telling me things that don't materialise and i don't know why or what i should do.


[written sat 26 Nov 2005, 11am]

i feel very sad.

This post will not go live until/unless i've discussed the issue with my master.

i'm at the end of my fourth week without having seen my owner. i miss him terribly and don't know what to do. it's not even like he doesn't want to see me, he was going to the other day but then he wasn't feeling well and had to cancel.

i feel stupid and a bad slave for being so impatient and needing so much attention, but now it's no longer just a matter of wanting to see him, i'm starting to feel sad again and lonely. i am of course as happy as can be when my master talks to me and he does that often recently, which i'm very grateful for, but i need contact, physical presence, seeing him and serving him.

Even the pain in my sides from 4 weeks in chastity is shifting from a welcome reminder of his ownership to just plain discomfort that's preventing me from functioning normally. My kidneys hurt when i move. i'm just broken from lack of use.