the weakened master

i am in the process of trying, after a long time, to let the slave come out of me. i have been in touch for some time with a new Master who is interested in trying me out as his slave. i am not feeling very positive about this.

For over a year now i haven't even been able to imagine wanting to actually serve anybody other than L. His lack of interest has been very clearly stated but i just couldn't switch off this part of my brain and move on to someone else. After all he was the person that i had felt willing to drop everything i had going on in my life for and it was a decision i had never thought i'd be willing to take for someone.

My approach to D/s has been somewhat ambivalent over time, i'm the first one to admit it, i have a vanilla relationship that, apart from our sexual incompatibility, is probably the most solid relationship anyone could ever hope for. i have a boyfriend who loves me so deeply and who i love so intensely that it makes me feel all warm inside just thinking about him. And yet, i have been willing, at a specific time, to give all this up because i thought that was what was stopping L from wanting me as his slave. He had argued his rejection around the fact that i "have a relationship". It was fair enough, i thought, and after a long 2 months of pondering i had found inside of me the will to take a huge gamble and go for the thing that had been on my mind since my childhood, the thing that defines me. I decided i was willing to step out of my relationship to become his. Unfortunately, after talking to my bf about this, and talking to L about this, he said that that wasn't the deciding factor and that if things had been supposed to happen, they would have happened. i will not go into this right now. This is just to say that i have been left deeply affected by his rejection and can't help feeling undesirable and unworthy. Anybody else who's approached me online could not cause the slightest bit of interest in me and i can not really imagine ever experiencing something so intense for someone else. The cliché is that when you're in love it feels like it's the first and the last time. And this could very well be it for my desire to serve and submit. Well, not quite, the desire is always there but anything that i've experienced in the past in this area and has ended, has only been followed by something that exceeded it in depth and intensity. I may have attained my limit in this regard or, in any case, it's quite hard to top this up.

Well, that has been my feeling over the last year: a feeling of great emptiness. Now i'm rationally trying to make an effort to recover what's left of myself. it has become apparent that i might suffer from depression -- whether this is caused by these events or has, on the contrary, spawned my reaction to them is something that i cannot objectively assess. For this reason apart from seeking a new Master, i'm also seeking professional help and have an appointment next thursday with a psychotherapist who will assess my situation and any need for therapy and/or medication.

But going back to the new Master, as i said, i'm not feeling very positively about this. I have not yet met him. I'm supposed to go and serve him for a weekend, next weekend. i have explained to him that i have never been able to simply agree to serve somebody and that it is something that i can only find out once i am face to face with a man, his ways, whatever impression i get from him, maybe it's chemistry but i know that i can't know from an email. Yet, he wants this to be the way things happen so, if i do this, i can only do it his way. I'm not one who negotiates a scene and i've never actually liked the word "scene" implying the play is on or is off. When i am in the service of a man, i am always in his service, whether i am or not in his presence. My thoughts constantly revolve around him as he becomes the centre of this part of my life. But he makes demands of me for this week that precedes our encounter and i have mixed feelings about giving in to his requests for the simple reason that for the time being he is simply a cyber-presence for me and i cannot see myself as his slave on this premise. This is already causing some conflict, i can see. Because my submissive self -- which i think is normally the only thing i have to offer to a Dom is definitely not coming out -- and i'm afraid he will perceive me as difficult, which i must admit i am in a way in certain situations but i try not to be, in my role as a slave. It just isn't happening for the time being. I can not sense his authority over me for the simple reason that i have never seen him and i'm afraid this will eventually annoy him and make him lose interest.