Well the meds seem to work. Over the last 2 days there has been a considerable change in me. It amazes me. i try and provoke myself to see if it's really true. I try and see how living is really pointless and it doesn't appear to me as obvious as it was before. it surprises me how we can never trust our own perceptions. Things suddenly appear very different to me. Even the sadness that always surrounds L's refusal to have me seems less dramatic. Maybe i could be contented leading a life of meds and serenity. Maybe happiness is in the 2 Ds: drugs and denial.
there is something else though that could be behind all this. C has expressed a desire to see me, use me and talk to me about why i've been feeling low. Obviously his interest in me as a slave and as a person is life fuel for me.
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