the christmas mood

Very few days give you as much of a sense of time passing as Christmas. I've spent all of the Christmases in my life pretty much the same way and with the same people. The family population has fluctuated somewhat with divorces, marriages, new partners and new-borns but somehow the core of the day seems to have remained the same. As i was again reunited with people i see once a year, on this day, people who've seen me grow up and who have a sense of who i am, my slave life seemed as far away as it could possibly get.

Yet, in my my mind i knew and i hadn't forgotten that i've offered myself to a new owner and upon my return to London i will start making arrangements to meet my prospective new owner.

It's very soon after things ended with my Glasgow master so this stirs mixed emotions in me. I do still have some remaining loyalty to my previous owner which in a way disposes me quite badly towards anybody new staking ownership claims over me, but at the same time, this is someone who intrigues me and who seems very serious about making me his slave. His desire to make me his hits straight into my desire to be taken in hand by a man and after a weaker contact with my previous owner, his coming on a little stronger makes for a welcome change.

The other day he said something that really got to me. Something to the effect of training me "to look after all his needs". I've been trying to understand why a seemingly normal sentence has had such an impact on me. It hit home 100%: there's the idea of having a defined role that involves not only blindly obeying but "looking after", being responsible, to ensure my Owner's needs are met - it's like taking away from him the need to worry about his needs being met as they're entrusted to someone, his slave, who cares about them just as much, maybe more, than he does. On top of that, there's also the concept of those being "all" of his needs, the utopian ideal of the slave fitting perfectly around a man's needs becoming and extension of his body and mind and reaching this state of bliss in the knowledge that his owner is entirely satisfied.

That's the kind of slave that i am and those are the kind of things that get to me. I don't really care about begging for punishment. Punishment implies a dissatisfied owner, so it couldn't be farther from what i want. I want to be moulded into being exactly what my Owner wants, so that he can look at me and proudly think: that's my boi.

journeys

On the train today i saw a kid travelling with his mum and dad. His father was telling him the names of the stations we'd passed. He had no idea where he was and seemed amused hearing the names of the stations. I envied him. I remember what it's like travelling not knowing or caring where you're going because you only need to follow who you're with, trustful that they know best.

Yesterday things ended with my Glasgow Master. Unfortunately i had lost faith in his knowing where we were going. I felt horrible ending things but i eventually figured out i had to. I felt that i was disappointing him and it made me feel terrible. I think at a certain point, a little later than most people, my self-defense / preservation mechanism kicks in and i have to rescue myself from emotional disaster. I tried to explain my reasons and asked him to let me go. He wanted me to wait further but as it became clear that he wasn't sure what i should wait for, i just had to ask that he releases me.

The truth is i can't wait. i do wait but i'm an impatient person by nature and i value someone who's equally impatient, who wants regular strong contact, who bursts into my life, not invading it aggressively but actively deciding to be part of it. Someone who shows me that i can allow to invest emotionally because he will recognise and appreciate the honesty and intensity of my devotion and my spontaneous and natural desire to be responsible for taking care of his needs. As much as i had grown to have strong feelings for my now ex-Master, i felt deeply unhappy about his distance -- not only in terms of geography. He did tell me abundantly how he appreciated my devotion to him, but somehow i couldn't feel it anymore based only on words that were not followed by anything more.

And so it ends, i had to look up and find out the names of the stations for myself and try to figure out where we were. It turns out i have a bit more of my journey to do on my own before i can once more sit comfortably next to someone else who'll take charge of me again.

haywire

Today i spoke again to my Owner and for the first time i felt doubtful. I had doubts about the way things are turning. The balance is shifting in a way that i can't handle very well. I'm starting to feel like i'm making requests of him, things like deciding of changes in his life that would allow him time and space to own a slave. i don't want to be behind that decision and i do try not to put any pressure with regards to it in terms of time but then he seems overall less involved in this than he used to be and all i try to do is understand not the logistics but if the desire is still there to own me. And it's difficult to get a clear answer. It makes no sense to say, ok, I own you, see you around. And in trying to understand, i feel like i'm nagging. And it seems that i have these feelings for him and he merely allows them to exist because he is amused and entertained by them but he is not really on the other side of this. Fuck, why do i have to be such a girl? But ultimately he has awoken all this stuff in me and now has left me to deal with it. The million options and decisions are making me go haywire. i'm sickened at the thought of having to "lead from the bottom". But he's become more passive. i've taken my first assertive step deciding to go to Glasgow of my own accord. It's a weird dynamic now that i don't know if i really want to be a part of. I want to be owned by someone who tells me how things are going to run, who takes the decisions and who is clear about what he wants. But now it's a vicious circle, i become like this and i don't understand where i stand. And i don't like me this way because the slave gets trampled on by the more assertive part of me. The part of me that comes out and says: it's always easy to get on with the slave that says nothing at all, takes everything that's thrown at him. But at least throw him something. And then i start writing paragraphs this long that make no sense. It's not a good sign.

But right then he calls me puppy and i melt and i just want to kneel, look up at him and wait.

clarifications

In my last blog entry i wrote about my Master "not showing up the second night and not getting in touch for the following 24 hours". i realise now, after hearing a couple of comments, that this may have been misleading. My Master did text me to tell me he wouldn't be able to come and see me. It is to my subsequent texts that there was no reply. Clearly when i wrote what i wrote i did so feeling hurt that he hadn't chosen to make this happen. I presume i have a way of looking at a Master thinking that he is omnipotent and can make things happen if he wants. The truth is Masters too have commitments, engagements, jobs, etc. It is true that he didn't make things happen and that is something that i felt sad about and that, yes, i even resented him for, but he didn't just not show up without warning, and ultimately i had chosen to go to Glasgow knowing that i might not meet him at all.

Since coming back to London i have spoken to him again and i have asked that he considers releasing me on account of circumstances being such that prevent him from making much use of my services. He is considering my request and whether he is able to make changes to continue keeping me.

But there is something else that i have not yet managed to work into this blog. I guess it's something i don't feel too proud about: i have accepted to give someone priority over owning me, should i be released by my current owner. I don't feel too proud about that because i think i shouldn't even consider something like this while i'm supposed to be owned but this ownership has had so many ups and downs, so many uncertainties, and the man in question has been very present and supportive and i didn't want to deny his request.

But he is aware that my efforts at the moment are focused on adapting to a form of ownership that will enable me to continue to serve my current owner if at all possible.

a wee bit better

Finally back in London, i left the lowest of my moods up in Scotland. Still on the plane the disappointment of my Master not showing up the second night and not getting in touch for the following 24 hours i was in Glasgow was hurting but coming into London i started drawing strength from the familiarity of the surroundings and i immediately felt better. In Glasgow i had ended up feeling very lost and, i guess, abandoned. But at Liverpool Street I came out for a cigarette and the Gherkin was there, everything was familiar and i kept feeling reinvigorated. Ironically a couple of Scots who had got lost came up to me asking for directions.

When i was a teenager, i had a friend who had "found her energy centre" under a fountain in the middle of a square near where she lived. For this reason she never used to travel too far from it, even leaving the city was something of a challenge. I know, that's the sort of folks i used to hang out with. Explains a lot, doesn't it? As much as i used to find it quirky at the time, i could sort of understand it better last night.

Leaving behind me the fantasy of this ownership that, i'm afraid, won't come true, I came home to my flatmates watching My Fair Lady - and, i know, this is the most unlikely quote you would expect on a bdsm-leaning blog but Eliza Dolittle was actually singing it for me: Words! Words! Words! I'm so sick of words. Don't just talk, show me.

The trip has revealed to me what i was afraid of: that he won't make it happen. Even being in the same city made little difference. I suspect he's a young man who isn't sure of what he wants or how much he wants it and it now seems ill-advised to put myself in his uncertain hands. It makes me sad to abandon this image of him that i had become so attached to and the blindfolded part of me still hopes that he'll get back to me with reasons for the past and a plan for the future - but that little portion of me that actually tries to look rationally at what goes on around me is telling me that my Owner doesn't own me anymore.

glasgow, day 3: epilogue

My Glasgow trip concluded with a disappointing second night when my owner didn't come to see me.

I'm not complaining, it would be ridiculous to. I brought all of this onto myself when i decided to take this trip. It was a bet i made and it's now fair to say i lost it. Such is life. But in spite of all the wasted time and the sadness i once again have in me, i can't say i regret taking the trip: it was important to find out and now i have.

Most importantly i don't regret the time, however short, that i spent with him finding an outlet for all the feelings that i had developed for him over the last couple of months and that i couldn't simply allow to soak back into my inner me. The happiness i felt online talking to him translated almost seamlessly to the happiness i felt with him next to me and the illusion was one of safety and belonging and that's what his presence allowed me to feel. It was all an illusion i indulged in. That's what i feed on and, like an altered state of consciousness, it was beautiful while it lasted. It is sad that it didn't last very long. Whatever he gave, he took away again.

On the morning of my final, third day in Glasgow, i once again prepared my body for him, not really believing that something might happen but still wanting to be prepared for the improbable. And at my most nostalgic i let myself be cradled by the agonizing notes of a tune i know very well:

lo dudo, que tú llegues a quererme como yo te quiero a ti,
lo dudo, que halles un amor más puro como el que tienes en mi

Now, in my final hours in Glasgow, i can't wait to get out of this town and be finally back home.

glasgow, day 2: virtual spaces

No sooner had i uploaded my blog entry than my Owner phoned me from down the road ready to meet me. And meet we did. In the past i have often wanted to have a drink and a chat with somebody before anything else happened, to get to know them better, but we'd cyber-done all that and face to face there were not many more words left to be said.

I felt any initial nervousness drain out of me instantly the minute i was on my knees before him and from then on i was suspended in a state of blissful semi-awareness that i didn't come out of until the moment came, several hours later, when i realised he had to leave.

The come down was a sudden, spiralling crash and, with such intense, bottled-up emotions on the brink of bursting out of me, i would have wanted to hold on to him and implore him not to leave. With his mere presence, he had transformed the inside of an anonymous and somewhat alienating hotel room into a magical space suspended out of space and time. I could have forever basked in the warmth that he radiated. i have no idea how long we were actually together and i don't really care because every second was so rich that it couldn't be measured anyhow. But now he had to leave and through the sadness of knowing he was going to walk away, i assisted him in getting dressed again with a promise that he'd come to see me again.

But in the balance of the impossible magic of his presence and the hundreds of miles and hurdles that separate us, i still have doubts that i shall continue to be his slave for much longer. But now i'm happy to have come to this town, to have exposed myself to his touch and to have bowed my head for him even if only in a space and time that, very much like the cyberspace where we met, has no contact with the real world.

glasgow, day 1: overture

i arrived at the airport with a million hours to spare. The whole morning i spent obsessing about something happening that might jeopardise my trip. Being renowned for being unable to get out of bed early in the morning, i was rather amused at the way my eyes sprung open the second my mobile phone chimed 6.30. And that's where my race started to get to the airport in plenty of time in order to avoid whatever likely or unlikely mishaps could befall me.

As i sat on my train on the way to the airport, i couldn't help reflecting on how i've taken this business of meeting people online up a notch or two with this trip, and i wondered with mixed feelings of anxiety how far i would end up taking it in the future. It makes me feel a bit lost to see things in those terms, i get so dependent on one person to lead me and own me that it gives me a sense of helplessness to consider that there will be other owners, owners i don't yet know and that my current Master, who i'm going to such lengths to serve, won't be around forever.

But all these thoughts vanished, or were at least stored away, the minute the train pulled into the airport's station. As soon as i finished my check in and everything seemed to have gone right, i briefly popped outside the terminal building for a quick smoke. (i know). As i inhaled my first drag of toxic fumes i gazed around me at the lunar landscape around the airport and felt an enormous sense of relief. I felt free, having escaped parents and school days for my trip and couldn't wait to be in Scotland.

i envisaged spending the afternoon getting ready for my Master. It's a great feeling preparing yourself and your body for your owner to use, trying to do your best to ensure he will be fully satisfied. I admit, it does make me feel a bit of a whore to do that, or it evokes images of women in harems having nothing else to do than being ready and available to please the sultan. But preparing your body for a Master's use is an intense experience in itself, you kind of detach yourself from your body and it becomes something that you're looking at in a different way, the way you'd look at the wrapping on a present you're giving someone you care about, wanting it to be perfect and wanting them to enjoy it.

But now i'm in Glasgow, i've done my preparation and i'm waiting for Him to contact me to tell me when He'll meet me.

24 hours to go

Another day spent entirely with nothing on my mind other than my upcoming trip. Work's been just a blur of people floating in and out of my Glasgow cloud. What should i bring? What time should i leave home? Where are we going to meet? What will he think? What will i think? The expectation, like caffeine, has been pumping through my veins all day keeping me hyper.

I'm so focused right now that all the uncertainties and doubts about the future have ceased to exist. The future doesn't exist anymore beyond saturday night, nothing can engage my attention now outside of this stretch of time that i'll be within range of service of the man who will definitely own me, heart, mind and soul, for the next 2 days.

Now that i'm finally home, i can't wait to go to bed, because once my eyes are closed, the next thing i'll know, i'll be on my way to meet him.

If i can get any sleep, that is...

48 hours to go

The trip draws nearer and my Master seems to be looking forward to it so i'm feeling happy. Every time he talks to me, i feel the full weight of being addressed by him, he focuses my attention and the moment fills with significance. He brings all this about the way only a dominant man can do. The way only one's Owner can do. In these moments, I feel overwhelmed and excited and blessed to have been born a slave, and one that he wants to own.

In less than 48 hours i will have knelt before him and looked into his eyes and i may hold some of the answers to the questions that have been overfilling my mind for the last couple of months.

the eternal teenager

i think i've never quite evolved past the stage of being a teenager, with all the drama, the emotional immaturity, the rashed decisions, the misalignment of my problems and those of the real world. In the face of all evidence pointing to the fact that a certain decision is stupid, i still take it because that's what i want to do.

This trip coming up is a perfect example. But teenagers generally have parents who tell them "no fucking way, you're not missing school days to go to Scotland, go to your room and finish your homework" whereas i don't have that.

But i have friends who display parent-like common sense, and just like as a teen i would have planned to do something like this behind my parents' back, i have kept my mouth shut with those friends about anything involving Glasgow. I have only told other friends, the ones who'll be on my side. Not the friends who tell me that smoking is bad, but the ones who sneak out of class with me to go smoking in the toilets.

I want to take my stupid decisions and make my mistakes without too much interference or maybe i'm just crying out for someone to come and tell me "no fucking way, you're not missing school days to go to Scotland".

what am i doing

This morning I woke up feeling very nervous about my trip to Glasgow. But my stomach wasn't the the only part of me to be all tensed up. On Friday i spoke to David about the fact that i'll be there. He was a little taken aback at first but later understood my reasons and said "of course" he will meet me when i'm there.

I have become reluctant to refer to him as my Master any more on here as i have doubts about any long-term arrangements, but i had missed him very much and was very happy to chat with him again but i fear i've invested so much emotionally in this whole story that at times I'm forced to stop and wonder: what am i doing?

It does seem i've pushed myself quite far out there with the trip, the long-distance ownership that at some point i'll have to try and figure out if this is going anywhere. But right now the main thing is i will meet him face to face and i will find out if the bond that has developed online will at all translate to proper real-life chemistry. He seems quite positive about it but i've had so many experiences go wrong in this area that i'm reluctant to be overly confident.

But this afternoon the cashier at Borders said: have a good time in Glasgow - which took me by surprise and i considered a good sign. Of course, this may have had something to do with the fact i had just bought a little travel guide to the city, but hearing the words come out of her mouth made it all sound real.

take a chance

My friend Martin thinks i take bad decisions. I've said this before and i'll say it again: my friend Martin thinks i take BAD decisions.

Earlier today, as i succumbed to the morning cigarette loner-look nostalgia (i actually went out and bought my own pack - which i have readily given away) i once again found myself at the corner of Depression Road and Lonely Lane and i indulged in the little relaxation that tobacco has to offer me when, in the haze of a nicotine-drenched moment, the idea struck me: i should go to Glasgow.

i have to find out if words such as "if you were here it would be different" mean something real. Not knowing is no longer an option for me, nor is waiting any further. So i thought i should be there for a couple of days. It doesn't mean i have to see him the whole time and if things don't go well, i might only see him once. If they go well, he might want to see me more. But i have to give it a try and find out.

So i went online and bought myself a plane ticket and from thursday to saturday next week, i'll be in Glasgow, available for him if he wants to meet me. If not I'll have some time to do my Christmas shopping and there must be other things to do in Glasgow that can keep me busy for a couple of days.

With hindsight, this may not have been my most carefully considered plan but in the moment the idea of going made me smile again, it made me feel excited and, if nothing else, it was worth it because of that.

four

The number of cigarettes i smoked today. 4 up from yesterday, but only 1 more than my last lowly day. It happened this morning when it occurred to me while regurgitating one of David's messages that "i'll be gone from this Friday till next" didn't mean he had distractedly forgotten to type the day he'd return but that he'd be gone a whole week. i started feeling this sense of nausea gripping me from the inside as i realised that the number of days that we actually have available to meet, if he wants to, is getting uncomfortably low and i had to get away from the office to get some air. Air.

A few years ago, during the whole L disaster, that's when i took up smoking again after keeping off it for about 10 years. And it took me about a year to quit again. It's a horrible habit, i know, but what can i say, it truly comforts me in certain moments. More so if you don't normally smoke, you feel the effect right away, your blood vessels decontract and you get a bit of a head rush. We are after all constantly reminded by the media that it's a drug and everyone knows that sometimes a poor soul needs drugs.

There's also something else, and i thought of it this morning as i was considering whether i'd be blogging about this. Am i really 100% honest on here? Or do i filter out what would make me appear at my most pathetic? Like suicidal thoughts. I think of that. And this morning I really would have wanted an easy way out of everything. Something that would make me sleep and gently slow down my heart rate till i can finally relax and let go.

And i so hope no one will have the great idea of sending me a message telling me how it's not worth it. I truly don't want to hear that. But what struck me this morning, as i was having my solitary cigarette on the pavement outside my office, is how there's really no joy in my life at the present moment. Sure, i do fine, i have nice people around me, i'm not starving or have any deadly disease. But i'm talking about joy. There is none in me. And the joy that i suddenly felt talking to David, that crept up on me unannounced and startled me, that's a drug that you truly ought to be wary of and that's what's now turning into this sour disappointment.

So you see, when this is what's flowing in your veins, when these are the thoughts that you start your day with - whatever harm a cigarette can do to you doesn't seem so serious to make you question your right to allow yourself that little comfort.

pictures of you

It continues to be hard to find the determination to put too much effort in gym training. I manage to drag my tired arse there but as soon as i start and thoughts begin to flow through my head i start feeling that i don't care and it's difficult to continue.

At times i'm more upset than others, sometimes i feel that if things are not going to happen and i'm not going to get to see him, it doesn't matter, it means he doesn't really want it and it's ok if i can't give him what he doesn't really want but at other times i'm overwhelmed by this terrible sadness that grips me and suggest that all the expectations, the things we've said to each other, it's all going to vanish into nothingness.

Yet i can't simply say it's over, i feel that i have to ok it with him. He has to tell me that it's over, and then i'll know it is. In the meantime, i miss him so badly and how much i miss him now pales to nothing next to the thought that we might not actually meet at all. It gives me a great sense of loss. I realise it sounds stupid - i'll never meet someone i've never met, but it makes me feel terrible. The way he talked to me, i thought he was the other side of my medal, my opposite, and i thought he would become so much more. But i'm just left with this messy mix of feelings turning from sadness, into resignation, then anger, then confusion.

Ironically, as i write this, an old Cure song's playing

i've been looking so long at these pictures of you
that i almost belive that they're real
i've been living so long with my pictures of you
that i almost believe that the pictures are all i can feel

patterns

It's become very difficult this last couple of days to keep working out. My resolve to work on improving my body has waned a little as my strengths have sort of drained out of me. I feel that i need to find a solution to the current situation or reach some sort of clear closure but even communicating with David is not very easy, nor is having some proper time to get to anything resembling a conclusion.

This is the weekend that i was supposed to be in Glasgow and the fact that he's on a holiday with his boyfriend instead keeps messing with my head. i have no intention of getting involved in a situation with a boyfriend who doesn't know about me. I hate to have to be this assertive but he must take a decision and can't keep me in this limbo for much longer.

As i approach possibly the end of this ownership that's never had a proper chance to lift off, i feel emptied and disappointed. I know, though, that i'll keep following my heart in these matters, taking bad decision after bad decision. That seems to be my pattern and i'm resigned to it.

over?

There is one thing that can be safely said about me. I can't be trusted to make my own decisions and know what's best for me. This is why i'm meant to be a slave, have someone in charge of me to take all these decisions. Unfortunately to get to the stage of being a slave, you have got to have taken decisions before so it's kind of a catch 22 situation.

Today i feel better. I've had a very dark 24 hours during which i have considered this story from top to bottom and i've come to the conclusion that i won't let it end on account of circumstances. If he wants it to end, it's fine, because it means that he doesn't want me and my submissiveness feeds on a man's desire to own me - but if he tells me he does want me, as he does, and he doesn't want it to end, then we must meet face to face to find out if anything is there. We MUST.

It's a very pragmatic and atypically assertive approach i'm taking but i have to follow my heart and the happiness i feel when he talks to me, i have to allow myself this. I will see what comes but tonight my outlook is brightened up by a certain degree of hope. You want to call it delusion? Be my guest - i'm in half a mind to call it that too but tonight it doesn't matter because delusion may be just the cement i needed to fill my void.