afloat

i miss my owner. now i've said it.

i've been fighting the urge to say it, aware that it's my own fault if i haven't been seeing him. i have been fighting the urge to tell him because i know that i can't expect that he'll be there when i need him there. i know it can't be that way. But even during the time when i haven't been able to see him, i have been missing him. of course i have. i was just ashamed to tell him because i know it's me who's messing things up.

so instead of telling him, i do things the coward way and put a message in a bottle

one

since my bf's departure i've been re-exploring my own self and getting in touch once more with the intrinsic loneliness of the human condition. You're born alone and you die alone. These are the words that echo in my mind when i stop to listen. It's this inescapable condition, this being "one", "single", "isolated" that eats me up from within. i can try and hide in the safety of ownership, in the warmth offered by a pair of arms but they can never reach deep down into me and melt with me, shatter the one-ness into a multitude of pieces.

i somehow always go back to being one.

the big sell-off

i have no words. at times some events leave me speechless. Disappointed and speechless. Unable to understand. Some people i have met are self-assured enough to know it's always someone else's fault. Me, i have no idea what to think.

"I don't wanna meet again".

I got this text message from someone who's supposedly my friend after he's come back from holiday. Final. He had deleted my number from his phone without letting me know. He had to text me to find out who was sending him a message asking the reason for his silence.

This is not someone i've chatted to last week and now is not interested in meeting up. This is someone i've known for about a year. Someone i considered a friend. Someone i've talked to about very personal stuff that was going on with me. Someone who wanted to introduce me to his partner. Someone whose key i've driven across London to pick up when he was moving here. Someone i've lost 2 points on my driving license for. Someone, more seriously, who i've gone to a fucking Kylie Minogue concert for.

"You don't need to reply as I made my decision about this".