i am currently being a very bad slave, by my standards. i normally strongly dislike concentrating on more than one master at any one time. even in the preliminary phases. As soon as an encounter starts to seem likely i can't chat or develop much interest in anybody else. This has proven a very poor strategy generally and has often kept me waiting pointlessly for masters that have never taken the leap off the cyberworld and into my daily life but, what can i say, i'm not really a strategist i simply try to follow what feels right for me, consistently making, as M puts it, very bad decisions.
Lately, though, i have started "playing the field", as it were. i'm in contact with 3 masters that i am supposed to meet in the near future. i have to point out that my readiness to do this is a clear indication that there isn't, at this stage, an overwhelming interest in any of them. Also, in the post-L age, i have strong doubts about feeling that same way about anyone else so i try to let the sceptical slave come out from within me to play a little. I'm also hopefully learning not to get carried away on the basis of a few messages from anyone showing an interest in me.
Being in contact with all of them at the same time reinforces my belief that there are as many approaches to a M/s relationship as there are people who take an interest in them.
Master no. 1, and maybe the one i'm more interested in out the 3, which in my world means the one i'm more likely to end up feeling bad about myself for, wants everything to rotate around him by making me a toy to sexually please him. He seems very detached about it all. my role is very defined in the sense that i will go when called, serve his needs and leave when told to. My uncertainty about it is that his detachment, from previous experiences, might mean he never actually contacts me to go and serve him.
Master no. 2 is like a teen-age dream come true. In fact he has barely stopped being a teenager himself. He's a few years younger than me, drop-dead gorgeous jock type, has more of a fresh and boyish approach to the whole thing, shows involvement and has a naturally confident way about him. He moves part of the emphasis onto me, which troubles me. He likes to see a slave perform degrading tasks, thus not a tool for the Master's pleasure but rather an actual individual whose humiliation becomes the centre of the action. At present we've been involving in camsex which is something i have absolutely no interest in. It is my willingness to go through with it, engaging in practices that i actually dislike for the only purpose of pleasing this boy i haven't even met that has inspired my previous tug-of-war post.
Finally, Master no. 3 seems to have the most balanced approach out of the 3 which to a messed up brain like mine is cause for uncertainty, making him, at this stage, and i hate myself for thinking this, the one that causes less of a stir within me. His online profile uses the term "roleplay" which leaves me puzzled as i don't really feel i'm playing a role when i'm serving but rather that i'm allowing myself to be who i really am. Talking about it as a game, a play where 2 equal people choose to take on a role instead of another causes me to suspect that his is an approach that i cannot easily relate to. I could never place myself on the same level as someone i'm serving. My simple desire to serve a specific person implies that i place Him on a completely different level that i can never reach, and i wouldn't even dream of trying. i lack something deep within me that i will never have and i can only ever be a slave to someone who can fill this void with His Presence and connect with me on this fundamental level
But as i said the sceptical slave needs to come out of the cage sometimes, or better still get into it.
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