river

After a long day spent indoors doing nothing i decided to embrace solitude and i took my sorry ass out for a walk to one of my favourite spots in London, the south bank. When i came out of the underground at waterloo it was pouring outside. i had to smile at how my attempts at not rejecting the outside world altogether were met with the outside world rejecting me and trying to make my walk as un-ideal as possible. I hesitated for a short while pondering whether or not to persist with my plan but despite the weather i really needed to get closer to the water.

The presence of water has a very calming effect on me and in London despite a few canals and park lakes, the thames really is option number one.

So i walked the short distance to the river under a bit of rain, got to the NFT, and had a little lonely drink there under waterloo bridge enjoying the smell of the rain and the noises all around me. Looking at people in this lovely part of town i really had to wonder what is really so wrong with "regular" relationships that i can't seem to find peace in my own. Everybody seemed to be having fun.

This happens to me a lot, i look at people and wonder, actually wonder, how they get to feel ok. They smile, they laugh, they enjoy themselves, all this while i'm stuck there finding life so hard to bear. And yet rationally i have nothing i can complain about. i'm healthy, i live in an exciting city that i chose, i have a fairly decent job, a nice flat that i share with good friends, a lovely bf. i feel stupid about feeling unhappy but i do. what i lack is somebody to claim me as his own, take charge of me, give me a sense of purpose and protection in my submission to him. somebody who can become a sort of filter between me and this outside world that i find so hard to understand and be a part of. Somebody who will tell me that all of that doesn't matter because all that should matter to me is him and i can then focus my attempts to have some purpose by simply trying to please and make him happy instead of having to deal with all those millions of other worries and responsibilities coming at me from all over the place and that i just can't deal with.