What behaviour is appropriate? Am I reasonable or unreasonable? How many times am I going to sit and wonder about a reaction I've had and try to interpret whether I've acted in an absurd irrational way or I was perfectly within my right to behave the way I did?
When feelings run so close to the surface, it's impossible to have any kind of objectivity.
This is a classic subdiscourse post: one where I have no idea where I'm going but I'm really writing because it's the only way I know to make sense of the shitstorm™ going on inside my head right now.
Let's rewind for a moment. A few months ago I met a Man, a dominant Man, that in the past I would have killed to belong to. He's handsome, he's a nice guy, and he really *really* treats me like a slave, like my whole being revolves around serving. It helps that he grew up having servants so he's very comfortable in this role.
These days, as the careful reader will know, ownership is a term that I stay well away from, and I told him this from the start, I don't want to be anyone's slave at the moment. Serve, yes. Belong, no thanks.
But from the start he's been quite forceful in demanding my time, when he wants it, and quite annoyed about the constraints that other engagements in my life impose on my schedule.
I guess it makes sense, if he sees me as a slave, that "stuff" going on in my life is just an inconvenience that gets in the way of him getting the service that he wants. But I'm not his slave so our exchanges often descend into me having to assert some degree of independence (something that I'm very bad at doing) and him basically making me feel like shit when I say I can't serve him.
Today things ended on a sour note, something I'm not feeling very happy about.
I haven't seen him in a while because our schedules have been severely mismatched: he's only available weekends and I'm only available during the week. But this weekend I'm available so for a while we've known I would be seeing him.
Last week he messages me about this weekend saying he wants me to serve as a waiter at a party he's hosting at his place for a few of his friends and co-workers.
Now, to me serving is such an intimate act of expression, so close to my inner self, that the idea of exposing it in front of a crowd of strangers is overwhelming: too much to bear. In a way I'm even excited by the idea, but it's just too much and I don't know how to deal with it. It might turn out to be liberating to do it but I have to walk that board alone and I don't have the stomach to face those sharks head on.
When I'm serving a dominant man, it's one thing, it's like I can trust him because he understands what I need and my nature and his nature are a perfect match but in front of a random bunch of people, the idea of exposing my very core is just too much. And it doesn't matter that they'd only think of me as a waiter because I would know.
So, thinking that this was what he had in mind for this long awaited weekend, I got annoyed and I said I didn't want to do it, that I didn't want to serve him in front of other people.
He surprised me by being very understanding and saying that it was ok and he would be seeing me the following day, on Sunday, to serve him as a slave and, I thought to myself, quite possibly cleaning up.
So I was supposed to see him this Sunday but this morning he messaged me saying that he wanted to see me this evening. I would serve him sexually, as well as clean his apartment, presumably now for his upcoming soiree. It was inconvenient but I agreed to go.
All day I was nervous and excited about seeing him and just as I was on my way out, I got a message from him saying that his partner was going to be home while I was there.
I felt annoyed, and betrayed. Again I was having to deal with him exposing me in front of people I don't know. I wanted to serve him: to me that is a very intimate relationship, one that I can't share with random people. Already I don't like knowing that I'm cleaning a place that isn't only his, that his partner is benefiting from my slave labour, but I get over that because it is what it is, but while he's there in the next room! To me, that was too much.
So I cancelled and came back home. He was very annoyed. I think it's the last I hear of him and I'm left a little empty and not knowing if I've over-reacted or I was right in doing what I did. I did what I felt I had to but having this desperate desire to please means I now feel bad that I put myself first.
Getting what I wanted is a hollow victory for a submissive...
