choices

one of the heaviest weights for a slave to carry, well, at least for me, is having to choose who to serve. Decisions are, in general, a difficult hurdle for me to take on and fuck knows i always tend to take the wrong ones. Being sure about a decision implies, by definition, decisiveness, something i clearly lack. i am supposed to be convinced that one thing is right and the other is wrong, one good, the other bad. i, personally, never have such certainties. And no, it's not because you can't see the world in black and white and you have to look at the grey areas in between but because i'm probably just colour-blind.

But out of this multitude of hurdles dotted all around us to make things complicated, the worst one of all is maybe having to choose who to serve. Not because you're putting yourself in someone's hands which can be potentially risky but because the very essence of the decision brings to the fore the obvious contradiction that undermines this type of relationship: the fact that a slave is ultimately, however much he (or she) wants to deny it, free. Up until the moment of the actual enslavement, at least. When i was released by C a now long time ago, i really wished he had given me to someone else instead. Being set free left me in a state of confusion and at a loss for direction. i knew i wanted to be a slave again, but there was no one that i could imagine could take C's place and anyone who would call himself my "master" caused actual anger in me. Now, you see, hardly the ideal slave. Until the L situation materialised. For a short time, i thought i had found a direction again. He was literally leading me where he wanted me to go: i felt safe and at ease once again. But for a short time. Since then i have been completely unable to feel that way again. And it's not like i haven't tried. Perhaps i have lost the ability to submit. i quickly lose interest in anybody i meet.

There is always something wrong with the person who wants to take me as his slave...

Who needs a shrink when you can have a blog