the fridge

well, the new master felt there was no chemistry and it's not a good idea to try it out.

his reaction finally unblocked my own and after some initial hurt and renewed sense of inadequacy, i shook myself out of it and it all started to seem clearer.

i think i was refusing myself the option to have opinions on our encounter because that was exactly what i was seeking. i was attracted by exactly that which he has characterised as "lack of chemistry": the fact that i wasn't going to be some submissive fuck buddy to have fun with but purely a slave, a toy that's yours to use when you're horny or you just don't want to do your own washing up. At this stage i don't want a friendship or anything resembling a human relationship - yet it has to be with someone where i feel that the potential is there to possibly communicate. in the post C & L days this is possibly the only thing i can manage or feel willing to handle. I don't want a Master that i can longingly look in the eyes full of love and adoration while i kneel at his feet but one that makes me move by telling me to move and makes me stay by telling me to stay. I am, in this capacity, withdrawing more and more from anything that resembles a human being to become some sort of automaton.

This also perfectly distills the slave out of the emotional me ideally separating these two entities that mix so badly, this emulsion of selves.

But he seems to want something with a pulse apparently