C

This week i met C again. 21 months after we last saw each other.

The experience was extremely intense for me. The moment i was back on my knees in front of the man that i had so wanted to belong to and i could feel the touch of his hand on my head and inhale the smell of his skin, i was immediately hurled back into this past when i would see and serve him regularly and call myself His slave. The happy time when i would feel useful and wanted as a slave, before all the madness of being let go into a less fulfilling time of my life hurting first about his change of interest and subsequently, and more durably, over L's rejection.

But, there and then, for a short time, all the sadness was gone. Forgotten. i was safe once again and determined to do everything i could to please him.

However, over the time i was with him, my perceptions started to shift. The safety i had felt in the past knowing that he wanted me to belong to him was replaced by the awareness that this was nothing but a passing experience, a temporary reunion. The encounter was not even really sexual for me. Everything i did was so dense with my desire to please him. When i kissed his feet i did so full of adoration for him and what he had represented for me and there was little in the way of a light sensual gesture.

All in all i probably didn't manage to let go of my troubled self while i was with him in the same way that i used to. Possibly because i was not as troubled back then. After a while i became aware of the space around us and, in hindsight, i was quite surprised by this realisation. As a generally visually-aware person, I realised that during all of my previous visits nothing existed but him. Literally. I wouldn't have been able to say what colour the sofa was, although i would have been kneeling just inches from it. i was like a child who can't see past the edge of his crib. This time the space around us became part of what was happening and sometimes, i hate to say, distractingly so. Probably i was very aware of the fact that i had been waiting so long for this moment and as it was presently there, the dramatic significance of this kept weighing on me.

But seeing him filled me with joy. Upon leaving, the compounded effects of the medications i'm taking and what i had just experienced were loudly displayed on the lasting smile i saw reflected in the mirror in his elevator. Coming out into a light summer evening, i just didn't want to go home and walked and walked for a long time experiencing this happiness i could sense throughout my body feeling safer knowing that he is still in my life.