My life seems to be strongly divided in two big chunks along the deep fault of kink: my vanilla and submissive worlds. i have in one instance in the past felt ready and willing to take the big leap and jump head first into a new relationship that would merge both chunks. The response was not what i had hoped and frankly i don't see myself as ready to take that leap one more time at this stage. So, for the foreseeable future, the big rift looks set to remain as it is.
Even with friends there is a strong division between the ones i've met in a vanilla context and those who are aware of my submissive personality. I have to say that over the past year or so i have strongly favoured being with my friends on the kinky side. My slave self is increasingly becoming a part of me that i can't negate and during the depression months i have, with a few exceptions, tended to neglect links with vanilla friends who, i felt, didn't really know me and, as a result, couldn't really understand me.
One recent development is that after hinting around with one of my closest vanilla friends about my preference for being around a man who can take charge, we have sort of come out to each other, albeit to a certain extent, with regards to our kinky activities. Her situation is that she is playing around with BDSM because her boyfriend seems to have an interest in it and i, from my side, disclosed my interest in it, too. She already knew about my boyfriend and me having an open relationship but didn't exactly know why. i hardly went on to explain about how i feel that my proper position in life is that of a slave completely owned by another man and that i have, in this, the only society i know, learnt to negate this as something that deviates from what i have been taught that i should want and seek, driven by what is perceived to be a more natural desire for independence, success and self-affirmation, but nevertheless i felt pleased about this small element to bridge the huge gap between my two worlds.
We went on to discuss toys and accessories, so it became really a more superficial chat. We went shopping for something for her in a sex shop in soho and i shared my limited knowledge and offered my advice as best i could. Toys and gear are not exactly my main point of interest so she was quite surprised to find that i had limited "supplies" at home.
As it often happens in BDSM her and my situations are very different. Her boyfriend has a sexual interest in this so encourages her to experience with things like bondage and toys and she's happy to do it to make him happy and has fun with it in the process. I, on the other hand, have what i feel is a more deeply intimate desire for this to the extent that i have no interest in persuading or encouraging anybody to try it with me, put on a pair of boots and swing a flog while we have sex. i have certainly discussed this side of me with my boyfriend in our early days but his lack of interest in it was enough for me to seal the deal on it. We just had the major misfortune of being perfectly compatible on all other levels, which has made our relationship survive and our love grow for a number of years despite the presence of a very dissatisfied slave at one end of it. For this reason i don't really have toys. All of my activities take place outside of my home and having my own toys to bring with me for my master to use on me is far from something i like to do. i prefer to simply bring myself. All that i have to offer a Master is a self contained package that includes my body, my devotion and my submission. I'd throw in my heart and brain too, if i may, but he's under no obligation to take those too. But the package doesn't come with any external attachments and i like the idea that anything that he chooses to play with, and that includes me as his slave, should belong to him alone. It's all his stuff.
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