Some of the points that hit home were:
For a slave 'being in a collared relationship means they are owned, and often this translates into the statement that they do not have the "right" "choice" or "option" to walk out if the relationship goes bad [...] This belief in ownership stems from a strong commitment on both an emotional and mental level to the dominant'.
I have experienced this sort of situation with C. I'm not saying that it was 'going bad', i couldn't have hoped for a better owner and anyone who's read this blog knows that i absolutely worshipped him. But it must be said that towards the end of my service to him, things were not going very well. I went for a few months without seeing him and missed him greatly. I had irregular online contact with him and i expressed my anxieties but was always told, in a not impatient way, that i should not worry, that i should wait and that he still wanted to own me. For me, the fact that he told me he wanted me to belong to him was reason enough to feel that it was my duty and my desire to wait and remain his slave. As it turned out, he did eventually choose to let me go and, after a few months' wait, i ended up not seeing him anymore - until very recently, that is. i have to say, because of the obsession with "experience" that you get in this domain, i constantly get asked questions like 'are you experienced?', 'what is your experience?', 'Have you been owned before?' and if so 'Why did it end?' so i often find myself having to relive and explain this situation. To this date, i still haven't found one person who didn't think i was completely out of my mind wanting to wait. 'It's clear he had no interest anymore', 'why should you have to wait?'. Those are the comments i get all the time. ALL the time. i normally refrain from doing so out of the respect that i feel i should show to someone who is considering making me his slave but i often would like to point out that they really have no idea of what my submission to C meant, what it was, and that they should really refrain from formulating judgements on something they know nothing about. So it is refreshing, for once, to find some reassurance, albeit in the form of an online article, that there is someone out there who would understand me.
There is a level of acceptance of the dominant's behavior that can be more intense and widespread than many submissives would allow. For example, a dominant wants to bring in a third to the relationship. A submissive may demand certain criteria be met before they allow (yes, allow) such to occur, whereas a slave may say "It is not up to me, if this is what Master wants, so be it" and quietly accept this new change.
This is once again something i've experienced within my main frame of reference, i.e. my service to C. The decision on whether he would share me was only his to make and he elected to do so a couple of times although he knew that my preference was to serve him alone. I did thrive on the exclusive bond that was formed between me and him and would have preferred that there be no external interference. But it was very clear to me that this was not my decision and not his preference and i was more than happy for his desires to take priority over my own. In any case i felt very happy in the knowledge that this was out of my hands.
'[slaves] often speak of being quietly accepting, in control of themselves at all times, formal, and other such things'
This seems to be something that's been written about me. I often wonder whether my desire to be a slave is not a way to compensate for my constant need to be in control of myself in any situation. i am the sort of person who never raises his voice and is always controlled, or at least tries to be, with regards to the way he appears or is generally perceived.
In many slave relationships, the slave is required to use an honorific at all times, and couldn't conceive of calling their master/mistress by any other name
Here, it's not really a matter of what you are required to do. i actually always feel very self conscious about using either C's or L's name. The obvious choice to keep their anonymity on this online blog plays to my advantage in this case because i would feel really weird about using their actual names, and the same applies in any other situation in life. Even in therapy, talking to my therapist, i have managed to get her all confused by trying to explain these 2 presences in my life without using names. This guy did this and the other guy, not the first, the second... In that case i will probably have to get over this and reveal their names to her -- only for sake of clarity. In another pre-C M/s situation i didn't actually know my Master's name for a long time. This was particularly awkward once where we were entering a club that was for members only. He walked in without noticing the bouncer by the door whereas i noticed her and stopped when he had already started going up a flight of stairs. She invited me to call my "friend" to tell him that he should leave and i just didn't know how to call him. "Excuse me?!"...
'They look down on any behavior that is perceived as designed to force the dominant to meet a need of the slave, rather than the slave focusing on the dom's needs.'
This is a given. I don't like to express this as "looking down" on anything because i don't really tend to judge other people's patterns of behaviour but i certainly wouldn't find it acceptable in me.
'Basically they tailor their behaviors to what the dominant prefers and is most comfortable with'
I have often perceived this as being a fault of mine, a sign of a lack of personality or even hypocritical on my side. Like i'm not really revealing myself but rather conforming to what is expected of me. At the same time, i see it as going hand in hand with being in control of your behaviour and not wanting to become overbearing or inappropriate.
'They expect to be asked or ordered to do things they may not necessarily enjoy because the focus is not on their enjoyment or pleasure, but on that of their dominant. [...] They expect to meet their dominants needs at all times and to not have their dominant accept any manipulation or disobedience'
This article is so talking about me...
'They will not say that the dominant can't do a certain type of play or use a specific implement. They may tell the dominant that they do not like certain activities or implements at the beginning of the relationship (preferably before a collar) but they do not ban the dominant from using/doing those things'
Reading all this makes so much sense to me. i'm sorry to have cut this article into pieces in this ruthless manner. I still invite anybody to go and read the whole thing. It's just been incredibly reassuring for me that traits of my personality that are generally perceived as being strange or intense or "not fun" are shared by slaves out there and i might not be such a strange slave after all. Not altogether inadequate as a submissive. I still choose to use both terms when defining myself (not a sub though). The term submissive certainly applies to me but i don't really feel that i can comfortably call myself a slave while not being owned.
The irony is that L's rejection once came accompanied by one of those little hurtful remarks that he can so skillfully deliver wrapped in a casual and unarguable packaging. He said 'it wouldn't have worked because you were always more in control than me'...
His words just sounded so unfair - he had told me cruel stuff lots of times but this was maybe the worst thing he could tell me. Alright, he told me worse things than this. But i had been willing to give everything up to serve him, i had always dropped everything the minute he called and wanted to see me, i had conformed to any form he had wanted whatever D/s element between us to take, i had asked nothing of him other than for him to want me to serve him but he consistently made his rejection about something that was wrong with me or something i had done.
As always, though, i just found myself powerless to respond to his accusation. i just took it and kept quiet. Questioned myself endlessly about why he felt that way, what i had done wrong. All of these are questions that will probably never get answered because of his little interest in ever discussing anything.
This is why it is sometimes comforting to find an article online that will talk to you.
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