the new Master

the chemically-induced good mood continues and does not cease to leave me somewhat sceptically amazed.

Beside C's desire to see me which is obviously filling some space within me that's been empty for some time -- god, this sounds like such a cheap sexual reference, but it's obviously not intended that way -- i have also unexpectedly felt interested in serving a new Master.

I realise very clearly that i'm perceived by some to be a very difficult slave and flatteringly, by those who are on the same page as me, as being a "rare natural slave". Unfortunately, or not, 98% of people seem to fall in the first category. They are annoyed and put off by my reluctance to say what i like in terms of specific activities, to engage in active sex chat like "yeah, i want to be fucked hard and long" and my general reactive and passive, almost detached, approach.

One of the reasons why my screenname, tim, steers clear of any links with my stereotypically hot blooded national background is purly avoiding to appeal to anybody who might be attracted precisely by that hotbloodedness that they are unlikely to find in me. i'm not an out of control sex animal and what gets me going is not sex, it's feeling devotion and for everything to be centred around my Owner's wishes. I'm not interested in meeting someone who will negotiate a "scene" so that it includes what i'm looking for and i quickly glance past profiles that say things like "i will make all your fantasies come true". In fact, any interest in what i'm looking for causes an immediate and irrevocable loss of interest on my part.

What i'm looking for is this superhuman god-like figure to come into my life knowing what i need and telling me what i want. Because, we've established, the details of that are a little hazy in my head anyway. He must know that what matters is his satisfaction, and not only because saying that will get me hard (which does happen, i must admit) but because actually satisfying him makes me whole.

i realise it is a huge weight to put on someone's shoulders and most masters have no interest in that but i quite frankly seem to have no interest in anything other than that.

The new master who's come into the picture is someone i met the other day and had a very intense time with. it's incredible how being used as a slave gets my brain to work in a very unusual way. i mistrust it and give into it, love it and loathe it, but ultimately undeniably need it. And i keep having flashes of situations i've been in before that i hadn't even remembered for a very long time. It's altogether very therapeutic. Kinda like blogging :). But he asked me things such as "do you like doing this and that" and i have no idea how to reply to that, he asked me "what are you going to do for me" and i just don't know. That requires me to take into consideration my likes and dislikes, something i had completely forgotten to take with me that night. He used me as a footstool for some time while he was watching some programme on TV and i don't know on what level i liked it as it was happening, it certainly was uncomfortable and tiring to remain in the same position for such a long period of time, but as he wandered off for a few minutes and then came back, the moment i felt the cool contact of the skin of his feet on my back as he relaxed once again, that contact made me feel happy. And as he prepared to fuck me knowing that this is not something i physically enjoy but understanding that if i'm there that's something that he expects me to do, i felt the thrill of anticipation that when culminating in his orgasm made me again feel so happy that he could take his pleasure from me.

Two days later i still can't form an opinion on what i ultimately felt meeting him. The fact that he asked me to leave shortly after he came left me wondering whether or not he was pleased. He hasn't contacted me yet and i can very well imagine that my final opinion will only be formed in response to his own. If he tells me he was pleased with how i served him, i will feel that i liked what happened. If he doesn't i will feel a little disappointed. Ultimately, and unsurprisingly, my own satisfaction will only be determined by whether or not i have pleased him so i won't know... until i know.