Saturday, August 27, 2005

attempts

After feeling unappreciated for my somewhat mechanical behaviour, I've tried to make an effort to come across as a little more of a person with opinions, up until the moment i become owned. Chatting with a new contact who seemed rather friendly and unceremonious, i tried to explain a little better where i'm coming from. His comment came as: you talk a lot for a slave. i felt mortified and apologised and once again retracted in my standard reactive mode of communication where i feel safer. Annoyingly he contacted me the night before i was scheduled to leave for Beijing for 3 weeks so any chance of meeting up is suspended until my return.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

the local cocksucker

Since meeting the master that felt there was no chemistry between us we have remained in touch on a more friendly basis. Without me going in my deep non-human robotic mood, communication unsurprisingly seems to flow better. From M/s to friendly acquaintances, we have now moved to a sort of interaction that i hadn't really explored previously. i have basically become his friendly local cocksucker. He lives nearby and, as you would expect of most people, he sometimes happens to be horny. At which point he texts me, i go over to attend to his needs, and later go back home. It's not as cold as it sounds, not a straight-forward suck-and-go situation: we chat and similar, but ultimately i'm specifically there to attend to this need.

The curious thing is that i wasn't necessarily expecting to be interested in this sort of setup. After communicating his reluctance to approach a full ownership situation with me he had suggested meeting for sessions, which i declined. Aside from my declared aversion to this term, i'm not generally interested in meeting someone to pretend he's my master from time x to time y. In this current setup there is no implication that i'm his slave or he's my master. He's just a master and me a slave. This concept is in both our heads so it's not at all unreasonable that i should be available to him in this sense. i certainly enjoy the idea of being "used" and my submissiveness "taken advantage of". He was quite surprised that i agreed to this situation after declaring i wasn't interested in sessions, but i obviously respond very differently to these 2 situations.

Possibly rather than expose the contradictions of a session-setup where you're clearly not a someone's slave, the current solution reinforces my status as someone who's available for use and complies upon request. I'm somehow annoyed with my own usual übercold approach. There is no feeling overwhelmingly taken with a feeling of slavish devotion. I go through my duties as a series of actions that i perform one after the other carefully aiming to please but unsure as to the reason why. I guess from his point of view this is better than an evening wank

I guess the difference is between exposing the theatrical essence of the session approach versus choosing not to pretend and simply assert who we are. i expect a master not to be shy and ask, even expect, a certain degree of compliance from me. He might be somebody i'm not particularly into but if he asserts his rights by making clear he understands my position, i'm going to be prone to not disappoint and do what i'm expected to do. I'm not saying i necessarily like this approach, it's simply what seems to happen

Monday, August 22, 2005

porn for me

a few years ago i went to prague for a short holiday. on the charles bridge my attention was caught by one statue in particular portraying a slave, on his knees, maybe in chains. i can't remember exactly, but i remember being very aroused by it. i of course took a picture and i've been trying to dig it out but i think i've lost it.

i remember sending it to an ex-master because i thought he would find it interesting too but he failed to see the interest in it. i often find myself in this sort of situation where i get very excited about something like this where everybody else, even those who share my interest in dominance and submission can't see what the fuss is about.

Again a few years back i was in Florence and i became totally captivated by the statue of Hercules and Cacus. There in the middle of the piazza della signoria i got a hard on just from standing in front of it. It was like watching porn. Incidentally i've never really found porn very interesting but Hercules and Cacus, that's pure raunch for me. This is like in high school when i'd get a boner from reading Winkelmann's essay on the Apollo Belvedere. I remember searching for hours in the vatican museums on a hot summer's day to see the actual statue. It was totally worth it: once i found it i felt truly in the presence of a god

Sunday, August 21, 2005

the ultimate context: slaves vs subs

i read this article the other day and was reassured to be heading in a direction that is right for me with regards to my feelings of what it is to be a slave. The article defines what makes a slave a slave, as opposed to a sub and much of what is in this article seems to fit me like a glove in a way that reinforces my trust in my perceptions and my determination to continue on this path rather than choose to compromise into having occasional subbing sessions for the pure purpose of "feeling" something, whatever that is.

Some of the points that hit home were:
For a slave 'being in a collared relationship means they are owned, and often this translates into the statement that they do not have the "right" "choice" or "option" to walk out if the relationship goes bad [...] This belief in ownership stems from a strong commitment on both an emotional and mental level to the dominant'.

I have experienced this sort of situation with C. I'm not saying that it was 'going bad', i couldn't have hoped for a better owner and anyone who's read this blog knows that i absolutely worshipped him. But it must be said that towards the end of my service to him, things were not going very well. I went for a few months without seeing him and missed him greatly. I had irregular online contact with him and i expressed my anxieties but was always told, in a not impatient way, that i should not worry, that i should wait and that he still wanted to own me. For me, the fact that he told me he wanted me to belong to him was reason enough to feel that it was my duty and my desire to wait and remain his slave. As it turned out, he did eventually choose to let me go and, after a few months' wait, i ended up not seeing him anymore - until very recently, that is. i have to say, because of the obsession with "experience" that you get in this domain, i constantly get asked questions like 'are you experienced?', 'what is your experience?', 'Have you been owned before?' and if so 'Why did it end?' so i often find myself having to relive and explain this situation. To this date, i still haven't found one person who didn't think i was completely out of my mind wanting to wait. 'It's clear he had no interest anymore', 'why should you have to wait?'. Those are the comments i get all the time. ALL the time. i normally refrain from doing so out of the respect that i feel i should show to someone who is considering making me his slave but i often would like to point out that they really have no idea of what my submission to C meant, what it was, and that they should really refrain from formulating judgements on something they know nothing about. So it is refreshing, for once, to find some reassurance, albeit in the form of an online article, that there is someone out there who would understand me.
There is a level of acceptance of the dominant's behavior that can be more intense and widespread than many submissives would allow. For example, a dominant wants to bring in a third to the relationship. A submissive may demand certain criteria be met before they allow (yes, allow) such to occur, whereas a slave may say "It is not up to me, if this is what Master wants, so be it" and quietly accept this new change.

This is once again something i've experienced within my main frame of reference, i.e. my service to C. The decision on whether he would share me was only his to make and he elected to do so a couple of times although he knew that my preference was to serve him alone. I did thrive on the exclusive bond that was formed between me and him and would have preferred that there be no external interference. But it was very clear to me that this was not my decision and not his preference and i was more than happy for his desires to take priority over my own. In any case i felt very happy in the knowledge that this was out of my hands.
'[slaves] often speak of being quietly accepting, in control of themselves at all times, formal, and other such things'

This seems to be something that's been written about me. I often wonder whether my desire to be a slave is not a way to compensate for my constant need to be in control of myself in any situation. i am the sort of person who never raises his voice and is always controlled, or at least tries to be, with regards to the way he appears or is generally perceived.
In many slave relationships, the slave is required to use an honorific at all times, and couldn't conceive of calling their master/mistress by any other name

Here, it's not really a matter of what you are required to do. i actually always feel very self conscious about using either C's or L's name. The obvious choice to keep their anonymity on this online blog plays to my advantage in this case because i would feel really weird about using their actual names, and the same applies in any other situation in life. Even in therapy, talking to my therapist, i have managed to get her all confused by trying to explain these 2 presences in my life without using names. This guy did this and the other guy, not the first, the second... In that case i will probably have to get over this and reveal their names to her -- only for sake of clarity. In another pre-C M/s situation i didn't actually know my Master's name for a long time. This was particularly awkward once where we were entering a club that was for members only. He walked in without noticing the bouncer by the door whereas i noticed her and stopped when he had already started going up a flight of stairs. She invited me to call my "friend" to tell him that he should leave and i just didn't know how to call him. "Excuse me?!"...
'They look down on any behavior that is perceived as designed to force the dominant to meet a need of the slave, rather than the slave focusing on the dom's needs.'

This is a given. I don't like to express this as "looking down" on anything because i don't really tend to judge other people's patterns of behaviour but i certainly wouldn't find it acceptable in me.
'Basically they tailor their behaviors to what the dominant prefers and is most comfortable with'

I have often perceived this as being a fault of mine, a sign of a lack of personality or even hypocritical on my side. Like i'm not really revealing myself but rather conforming to what is expected of me. At the same time, i see it as going hand in hand with being in control of your behaviour and not wanting to become overbearing or inappropriate.
'They expect to be asked or ordered to do things they may not necessarily enjoy because the focus is not on their enjoyment or pleasure, but on that of their dominant. [...] They expect to meet their dominants needs at all times and to not have their dominant accept any manipulation or disobedience'

This article is so talking about me...
'They will not say that the dominant can't do a certain type of play or use a specific implement. They may tell the dominant that they do not like certain activities or implements at the beginning of the relationship (preferably before a collar) but they do not ban the dominant from using/doing those things'

Reading all this makes so much sense to me. i'm sorry to have cut this article into pieces in this ruthless manner. I still invite anybody to go and read the whole thing. It's just been incredibly reassuring for me that traits of my personality that are generally perceived as being strange or intense or "not fun" are shared by slaves out there and i might not be such a strange slave after all. Not altogether inadequate as a submissive. I still choose to use both terms when defining myself (not a sub though). The term submissive certainly applies to me but i don't really feel that i can comfortably call myself a slave while not being owned.

The irony is that L's rejection once came accompanied by one of those little hurtful remarks that he can so skillfully deliver wrapped in a casual and unarguable packaging. He said 'it wouldn't have worked because you were always more in control than me'...

His words just sounded so unfair - he had told me cruel stuff lots of times but this was maybe the worst thing he could tell me. Alright, he told me worse things than this. But i had been willing to give everything up to serve him, i had always dropped everything the minute he called and wanted to see me, i had conformed to any form he had wanted whatever D/s element between us to take, i had asked nothing of him other than for him to want me to serve him but he consistently made his rejection about something that was wrong with me or something i had done.

As always, though, i just found myself powerless to respond to his accusation. i just took it and kept quiet. Questioned myself endlessly about why he felt that way, what i had done wrong. All of these are questions that will probably never get answered because of his little interest in ever discussing anything.

This is why it is sometimes comforting to find an article online that will talk to you.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

bridging the rift

My life seems to be strongly divided in two big chunks along the deep fault of kink: my vanilla and submissive worlds. i have in one instance in the past felt ready and willing to take the big leap and jump head first into a new relationship that would merge both chunks. The response was not what i had hoped and frankly i don't see myself as ready to take that leap one more time at this stage. So, for the foreseeable future, the big rift looks set to remain as it is.

Even with friends there is a strong division between the ones i've met in a vanilla context and those who are aware of my submissive personality. I have to say that over the past year or so i have strongly favoured being with my friends on the kinky side. My slave self is increasingly becoming a part of me that i can't negate and during the depression months i have, with a few exceptions, tended to neglect links with vanilla friends who, i felt, didn't really know me and, as a result, couldn't really understand me.

One recent development is that after hinting around with one of my closest vanilla friends about my preference for being around a man who can take charge, we have sort of come out to each other, albeit to a certain extent, with regards to our kinky activities. Her situation is that she is playing around with BDSM because her boyfriend seems to have an interest in it and i, from my side, disclosed my interest in it, too. She already knew about my boyfriend and me having an open relationship but didn't exactly know why. i hardly went on to explain about how i feel that my proper position in life is that of a slave completely owned by another man and that i have, in this, the only society i know, learnt to negate this as something that deviates from what i have been taught that i should want and seek, driven by what is perceived to be a more natural desire for independence, success and self-affirmation, but nevertheless i felt pleased about this small element to bridge the huge gap between my two worlds.

We went on to discuss toys and accessories, so it became really a more superficial chat. We went shopping for something for her in a sex shop in soho and i shared my limited knowledge and offered my advice as best i could. Toys and gear are not exactly my main point of interest so she was quite surprised to find that i had limited "supplies" at home.

As it often happens in BDSM her and my situations are very different. Her boyfriend has a sexual interest in this so encourages her to experience with things like bondage and toys and she's happy to do it to make him happy and has fun with it in the process. I, on the other hand, have what i feel is a more deeply intimate desire for this to the extent that i have no interest in persuading or encouraging anybody to try it with me, put on a pair of boots and swing a flog while we have sex. i have certainly discussed this side of me with my boyfriend in our early days but his lack of interest in it was enough for me to seal the deal on it. We just had the major misfortune of being perfectly compatible on all other levels, which has made our relationship survive and our love grow for a number of years despite the presence of a very dissatisfied slave at one end of it. For this reason i don't really have toys. All of my activities take place outside of my home and having my own toys to bring with me for my master to use on me is far from something i like to do. i prefer to simply bring myself. All that i have to offer a Master is a self contained package that includes my body, my devotion and my submission. I'd throw in my heart and brain too, if i may, but he's under no obligation to take those too. But the package doesn't come with any external attachments and i like the idea that anything that he chooses to play with, and that includes me as his slave, should belong to him alone. It's all his stuff.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

humiliation

one of the entries now featuring predominantly on my brand new list of interests is humiliation. The reason for its position is the fact that this term, in its common interpretation, seems to refer to a range of activities that characterises the sort of interaction i'm seeking. But upon more careful consideration the use of this term is very imprecise or, in any case, i'm probably not so much "into humiliation".

What i mean is that finding myself on my knees in front of my Master truly feels like the most natural thing for me, licking my owner's boots until they glisten with cleanliness, i'm not saying this with any false servility, is truly an honour (not to mention a very rewarding way of expressing how you feel) and when you see the look of satisfaction in your Master's eyes... I truly can't see what could be humiliating about serving a man you worship - in fact it is rather something that you do with pride. Not in the sense that you feel you are such a good slave for doing all this but because the idea that this Man that you so badly want to please wants you to belong to Him is just everything. In fact i realise i have never once felt humiliated with C, whose profile also mentions the h-word. Serving him was always the most natural and gratifying thing for me.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

what are you into?

i have given in to the power of the list.

uncommonly and notably uninclined to add long shopping-basket-like lists of interests to my online profiles, i am now trying it out as a way to efficiently package myself for the fast-paced reader. i still think that this will ultimately convey a misleading message, i.e. this is what i want to do, take note or move on, but my normal approach is possibly too vague to match the pragmatism of most people out there.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

alcohol

meds or not meds, i'm still useless. and quite pathetic. one call from L and all my newly-found serene state is down the toilet and, with drugs having failed, i end up going out with a friend trying to find out if alcohol can make things better.

The answer is no

Thursday, August 11, 2005

C

This week i met C again. 21 months after we last saw each other.

The experience was extremely intense for me. The moment i was back on my knees in front of the man that i had so wanted to belong to and i could feel the touch of his hand on my head and inhale the smell of his skin, i was immediately hurled back into this past when i would see and serve him regularly and call myself His slave. The happy time when i would feel useful and wanted as a slave, before all the madness of being let go into a less fulfilling time of my life hurting first about his change of interest and subsequently, and more durably, over L's rejection.

But, there and then, for a short time, all the sadness was gone. Forgotten. i was safe once again and determined to do everything i could to please him.

However, over the time i was with him, my perceptions started to shift. The safety i had felt in the past knowing that he wanted me to belong to him was replaced by the awareness that this was nothing but a passing experience, a temporary reunion. The encounter was not even really sexual for me. Everything i did was so dense with my desire to please him. When i kissed his feet i did so full of adoration for him and what he had represented for me and there was little in the way of a light sensual gesture.

All in all i probably didn't manage to let go of my troubled self while i was with him in the same way that i used to. Possibly because i was not as troubled back then. After a while i became aware of the space around us and, in hindsight, i was quite surprised by this realisation. As a generally visually-aware person, I realised that during all of my previous visits nothing existed but him. Literally. I wouldn't have been able to say what colour the sofa was, although i would have been kneeling just inches from it. i was like a child who can't see past the edge of his crib. This time the space around us became part of what was happening and sometimes, i hate to say, distractingly so. Probably i was very aware of the fact that i had been waiting so long for this moment and as it was presently there, the dramatic significance of this kept weighing on me.

But seeing him filled me with joy. Upon leaving, the compounded effects of the medications i'm taking and what i had just experienced were loudly displayed on the lasting smile i saw reflected in the mirror in his elevator. Coming out into a light summer evening, i just didn't want to go home and walked and walked for a long time experiencing this happiness i could sense throughout my body feeling safer knowing that he is still in my life.

Monday, August 8, 2005

the fridge

well, the new master felt there was no chemistry and it's not a good idea to try it out.

his reaction finally unblocked my own and after some initial hurt and renewed sense of inadequacy, i shook myself out of it and it all started to seem clearer.

i think i was refusing myself the option to have opinions on our encounter because that was exactly what i was seeking. i was attracted by exactly that which he has characterised as "lack of chemistry": the fact that i wasn't going to be some submissive fuck buddy to have fun with but purely a slave, a toy that's yours to use when you're horny or you just don't want to do your own washing up. At this stage i don't want a friendship or anything resembling a human relationship - yet it has to be with someone where i feel that the potential is there to possibly communicate. in the post C & L days this is possibly the only thing i can manage or feel willing to handle. I don't want a Master that i can longingly look in the eyes full of love and adoration while i kneel at his feet but one that makes me move by telling me to move and makes me stay by telling me to stay. I am, in this capacity, withdrawing more and more from anything that resembles a human being to become some sort of automaton.

This also perfectly distills the slave out of the emotional me ideally separating these two entities that mix so badly, this emulsion of selves.

But he seems to want something with a pulse apparently

Sunday, August 7, 2005

detachment

i think one of the things that gets masters puzzled upon first meeting me is my apparent detachment. i approach all such situations as a white canvas. i know nothing of my prospective owner and i stubbornly refuse to bring much input into anything that's going on. i do mention briefly the sort of approach that's exposed in more details on these pages but i just can't bring myself to say i like this situation and that situation and i want to do this and that.

the only choice i really wish to have is whether to stay or leave. requests for what i like or am willing to do get me confused and at a loss for answers.

once i met a master and after a brief chat he took me to a sex shop and sent me off to get 3 toys i would want him to use on me. i started looking around and i immediately lost all interest and asked to be allowed to leave. It all seemed pointless to me. He probably wanted to know more about me but his perverse attempt to turn a tool for his enjoyment into a person with desires destroyed the whole idea and as my feelings where then relevant, i then felt that there was no need for me to stick around anymore.

Also after first chatting to somebody and expressing my interest in meeting, i just can't go back to them and ask why we haven't met yet or run after them. i initiate first contacts but can't initiate a second one. It's not out of pride or lack of interest, i just feel that it has to be up to a Master to choose to use me and for me to suggest it would be requesting something that he doesn't think he wants. And what's the point of that

minority

there's a scene from a movie i cherish where the director/lead suddenly engages a passer-by in conversation to share a sad thought he just had. That is that he will throughout his life always be in tune and at ease with a small minority of people. He puts a supposedly positive spin on it by specifying that this is not because he doesn't believe in people but because he does not believe in the majority of them.

Where this guy was really referring to his political views, i have to admit that throughout my own life i have always felt very similarly with regards to my sexual identity. Finding myself gay in a predominantly straight world was the first hurdle. Understanding and coming to terms with my kinky self in a vanilla, glamour-loving community has led me to feeling further estranged. Now presenting and defending my desire for devoted belonging and protected ownership in sleazeland is leading to my sense of alienation feeling like the minority might actually come to the point where there's only 2 or 3 of us out there

if that

Saturday, August 6, 2005

98percenters

This is a message exchange that i feel perfectly sums up the contradictions of voluntary slavery and people's different approaches and perceptions.

I get a message from somebody who defines himself as 60% active, has a profile about his good collection of rubber, leather and toys accompanied by a detailed list of what he has and pics of gas masks and similar but no reference to M/s issues. The guy is not really my type and we don't seem to have common interests but i don't like ignoring people so i engage in a little exchange of messages.

-- START--
him @ 5/Aug/05 6:57
nice profile

me @ 5/Aug/05 7:20
thank you :)
must get up and go to work now

him @ 5/Aug/05 7:28
cool. Send me a face pic when you are back online (and interested in chatting some more)

me @ 5/Aug/05 19:38
hi, here’s a face pic as requested but, you know, i’m not really a "gear" person so i suspect we might not be an excellent match.

him @ 6/Aug/05 7:5
the gear is just the icing on the cake. The real substance is domination
nice pic btw

me @ 6/Aug/05 9:11
so what is it that you like/are looking for?

him @ 6/Aug/05 9:58
I love bondage and domination. Love play where you are trying to please each other. Not into subs who just want to be tied up and taken care off.

me @ 6/Aug/05 10:3
ok, i see. well, i don't think it's really my thing. i'm really looking for a more self-centred Master who doesn't really care about pleasing me but wants everything to be centred around what he wants. i don't really need or like to be tied up, in fact i prefer to be able to move to willingly serve an owner rather than being forced to submit.

him @ 6/Aug/05 10:22
looks like you do have quite a few demands for a slave. All your e-mails so far have been about what you want and your needs.
--END--

I wasn't going to enter into a discussion about perceptions with him but i was going to send a message to say that i had said that we didn't sound very compatible. But the guy has blocked me.

Now the simple fact that you have to block somebody seems to point to the fact that you lack the self-security to even hear an opinion different from your own so in my book it makes him a poor choice for a master. But i had to smile at being once again perceived by a "98%" as a difficult slave for wanting to only focus on my Master's pleasure rather than submissively and obediently accept a man's desire to tie me up to please me(!!). All this, just as i was writing about it.

But i have to wonder: do people think that being a slave means i'm supposed to serve anybody who comes along and wants to tie me up?

L once told me that thoughts of general submission do not empower your Master because He has to know that your submission is only an indication of the fear and respect that only He causes in you. (He is always quite unsettled by my ability to quote back at him things he's said) I subscribe to this view, of course (if not necessarily the fear element), but it always surprises me how dominance and submission can be perceived in diametrically opposite ways by people with supposedly similar views.

the new Master

the chemically-induced good mood continues and does not cease to leave me somewhat sceptically amazed.

Beside C's desire to see me which is obviously filling some space within me that's been empty for some time -- god, this sounds like such a cheap sexual reference, but it's obviously not intended that way -- i have also unexpectedly felt interested in serving a new Master.

I realise very clearly that i'm perceived by some to be a very difficult slave and flatteringly, by those who are on the same page as me, as being a "rare natural slave". Unfortunately, or not, 98% of people seem to fall in the first category. They are annoyed and put off by my reluctance to say what i like in terms of specific activities, to engage in active sex chat like "yeah, i want to be fucked hard and long" and my general reactive and passive, almost detached, approach.

One of the reasons why my screenname, tim, steers clear of any links with my stereotypically hot blooded national background is purly avoiding to appeal to anybody who might be attracted precisely by that hotbloodedness that they are unlikely to find in me. i'm not an out of control sex animal and what gets me going is not sex, it's feeling devotion and for everything to be centred around my Owner's wishes. I'm not interested in meeting someone who will negotiate a "scene" so that it includes what i'm looking for and i quickly glance past profiles that say things like "i will make all your fantasies come true". In fact, any interest in what i'm looking for causes an immediate and irrevocable loss of interest on my part.

What i'm looking for is this superhuman god-like figure to come into my life knowing what i need and telling me what i want. Because, we've established, the details of that are a little hazy in my head anyway. He must know that what matters is his satisfaction, and not only because saying that will get me hard (which does happen, i must admit) but because actually satisfying him makes me whole.

i realise it is a huge weight to put on someone's shoulders and most masters have no interest in that but i quite frankly seem to have no interest in anything other than that.

The new master who's come into the picture is someone i met the other day and had a very intense time with. it's incredible how being used as a slave gets my brain to work in a very unusual way. i mistrust it and give into it, love it and loathe it, but ultimately undeniably need it. And i keep having flashes of situations i've been in before that i hadn't even remembered for a very long time. It's altogether very therapeutic. Kinda like blogging :). But he asked me things such as "do you like doing this and that" and i have no idea how to reply to that, he asked me "what are you going to do for me" and i just don't know. That requires me to take into consideration my likes and dislikes, something i had completely forgotten to take with me that night. He used me as a footstool for some time while he was watching some programme on TV and i don't know on what level i liked it as it was happening, it certainly was uncomfortable and tiring to remain in the same position for such a long period of time, but as he wandered off for a few minutes and then came back, the moment i felt the cool contact of the skin of his feet on my back as he relaxed once again, that contact made me feel happy. And as he prepared to fuck me knowing that this is not something i physically enjoy but understanding that if i'm there that's something that he expects me to do, i felt the thrill of anticipation that when culminating in his orgasm made me again feel so happy that he could take his pleasure from me.

Two days later i still can't form an opinion on what i ultimately felt meeting him. The fact that he asked me to leave shortly after he came left me wondering whether or not he was pleased. He hasn't contacted me yet and i can very well imagine that my final opinion will only be formed in response to his own. If he tells me he was pleased with how i served him, i will feel that i liked what happened. If he doesn't i will feel a little disappointed. Ultimately, and unsurprisingly, my own satisfaction will only be determined by whether or not i have pleased him so i won't know... until i know.

Wednesday, August 3, 2005

the 2 Ds

Well the meds seem to work. Over the last 2 days there has been a considerable change in me. It amazes me. i try and provoke myself to see if it's really true. I try and see how living is really pointless and it doesn't appear to me as obvious as it was before. it surprises me how we can never trust our own perceptions. Things suddenly appear very different to me. Even the sadness that always surrounds L's refusal to have me seems less dramatic. Maybe i could be contented leading a life of meds and serenity. Maybe happiness is in the 2 Ds: drugs and denial.

there is something else though that could be behind all this. C has expressed a desire to see me, use me and talk to me about why i've been feeling low. Obviously his interest in me as a slave and as a person is life fuel for me.