i think i've never quite evolved past the stage of being a teenager, with all the drama, the emotional immaturity, the rashed decisions, the misalignment of my problems and those of the real world. In the face of all evidence pointing to the fact that a certain decision is stupid, i still take it because that's what i want to do.
This trip coming up is a perfect example. But teenagers generally have parents who tell them "no fucking way, you're not missing school days to go to Scotland, go to your room and finish your homework" whereas i don't have that.
But i have friends who display parent-like common sense, and just like as a teen i would have planned to do something like this behind my parents' back, i have kept my mouth shut with those friends about anything involving Glasgow. I have only told other friends, the ones who'll be on my side. Not the friends who tell me that smoking is bad, but the ones who sneak out of class with me to go smoking in the toilets.
I want to take my stupid decisions and make my mistakes without too much interference or maybe i'm just crying out for someone to come and tell me "no fucking way, you're not missing school days to go to Scotland".
3 comments:
Are you really going to back out now?
Wouldn't it be worse - going through life wondering what might have been... then risking a few school days and a couple hundred quid... to find out?
There's nothing wrong with being the eternal teenager - lots of gay men do it. At least you're doing something... pursuing a dream... finding out where fantasy stops and reality begins..
As I see it, you have to go - otherwise you'll regret it..
What do you have to lose? A few days' off? Or the Master for the rest of your life?
However, before you go, just one thought (in terms of decision making) (because either way it works out, you'll have some decisions to make): Try to establish for yourself some minimum standards that you can support and abide by. You've had enough experience in your life to know what the absolute barest minimums of support, attention, kindness, interaction, attraction you need to sustain a relationship. Make a list before you get there, and in your quiet time alone while you're there, go through the list & see if you can tick all the boxes. If you find yourself revising the list, resist the urge to cross things off, but feel free to add things. Also, specifically look at the amount of effort that you're making - you're the slave, so you're meant to make most of it, but if you're making all of it, then it's never going to work long term.
Think of it as a learning experience - if it's not right, see if you can at least figure out something to make the next choice a better one...
And don't forget to have fun!
thanks for the comment - but i'm not backing out at all, of course i'm still going. In fact, i can barely think of anything else this week, counting the minutes as they go by.
But i'm not sure i want to think of the option of the "Master for the rest of my life". The direction that this is going hints to the fact that thing won't go too far in the future, but of course i'm still going. I have no other option: i must meet him in person.
I suspect the latter - but then I would say that, wouldn't I? lol
Post a Comment