o. v. e. r.

All good things must come to an end. Unfortunately even those which have barely had time to start. On the day that i found my Master again, and that i heard his voice for the first time, i also lost him again and probably for good.

The silence had reasons, the absence from slave4master did too but what cannot be explained is how i can be this man's slave when i can never see him. As things seem set to get even worse with a jealous, possessive boyfriend in the picture that he is soon to move in with, it seems time to call a spade a spade and admit that this is never going to happen.

The hard decision was taken in a chaos of calls that kept coming from a friend who i haven't spoken to for over a year. Calls that i kept missing so that i could keep talking to my master. The master that i felt so meant to serve, that i wanted so badly to belong to, in spite of the impossible distance, and that is now disappearing out of sight.

Once again i'm in this situation. It makes me angry with myself and it leaves a massive void inside of me, like a bite taken out of me, a void that i know far too well, that pulls everything destructively into it and that it's hard to even want to try and fill with anything else. The pain is silent and sharp and hurts inside my stomach.

The weekend that i was meant to meet him, that he was supposed to pick my collar, look into my eyes and make me his own, the weekend that i had waited for so impatiently for over a month, he will spend on a holiday with his boyfriend. Talk about a let down.

I look at myself now, at the body that i was training according to his requests, that i was keeping the way he wanted. I look at it and its meaninglessness sickens me.

As the chat was ended abruptly by him getting disconnected and i finally picked up the phone to stop the incessant series of calls, my eyes swelled up and with a broken voice i spoke to my old friend and told him about the man who had now gone.

roadkill

As the days go by, my initial disoriented disappointment is turning into more of a concern that something might be wrong with my Master. Deluded? Perhaps. I will admit it's certainly easier to imagine that circumstances out of his control are preventing him from making himself heard but, to be fair, he hasn't logged in to his slave4master profile in over a week and that in itself is rather odd.

Maybe i'm finding excuses for him, or for me. In any case, i've given myself to him as his slave and i owe it to him to give him my trust and the benefit of the doubt. I don't think i'll take on suggestions i've received that i should look for another owner, however much i know they are meant for my own good out of genuine concern that i may be hurting over my Master's apparent defection. For now my loyalty remains with my Owner, where it should lie. If i'm to be available for another man's service, it's up to my Owner to set me free for that.

It may sound loyal, stupid, crazy, deluded, all these things at the same time - but think about it: what other option do i have? If i am to accept that he has lied and led me on all this time, it means that i can't and i don't really want to trust someone else. If i am to accept the fact that he's been dishonest with me, then there's really nothing i want to do. I don't want to see another master.

It's unfortunate that i'm so often in this situation of having to wait long periods of time for owners that disappear for a while, it's happened with both my major Masters in the past - but it's a side effect of the concept of loyalty to an owner - if he goes, he goes. i can only hope that he comes back.

It's true, i feel - as i always do in these situations - a bit like a pup that's been left by the side of the road but i'll do what any pup will do in the same situation, the only option i have: i'll wait for my Master to come back.

the throb

At times i'm overcome with a great sense of sadness. it's a feeling of complete and utter disorientation. My need to be taken care of, looked after and guided pulsates in my temples. I never admit it on here, that i need to be taken care of, it sounds so self-centred, but it's true. I feel so completely lost in the face of all this uncertainty around me and i need someone to care, take this weight off me and become a centre that i can simply gravitate around.

But i open msn, and he's not there but my name is his name and it makes a mockery of me.

the brother

I had a dream last night - it turned into kind of a fantasy this morning, in fact i'm not sure where the dream ended and the active fantasising began but the dream involved being a slave in a family of three - mother, father and son - serving all three in the home, although i clearly avoided imagining any "personal" services that involved the woman in the family. The father and son gave me a bit more work but the focus of it all was the son.

Towards the awake part of all this, one further element came in the picture: i had been bought as a present for the son when he was still a child and i was about his age.

What stirred me the most was the unjustness of growing up next to a boy my age but as his slave, being taught and disciplined by him and his parents so that we both would learn the difference in our positions and i'd learn to always obey and serve my "brother".

I still haven't heard from my Master since not getting his call the other day. I have been advised to reconsider my loyalty to him, something which, i'm aware myself, seems reasonable, however hard i oppose to this thought.

I haven't approached this very rationally, but, like most things i do, i got emotionally carried away, disregarding the obvious difficulty of a long-distance M/s relationship for the simple reason that i became so deeply infatuated with him. Now i'm being forced to ask myself if he is as serious about this as i am and i'm waiting and hoping that he'll forcefully and unmistakably tell me he is.

the other me

My boyfriend has been gone for so long that i don't know what things will be like when he comes back. On the one hand it seems to me that we can't go back exactly to where we were before he left to do his research now a year and a half ago.

Maybe we will seamlessly fall back into our old routine but i have my doubts. For one thing, my understanding of my need to serve has become stronger over this time and i think he realises that, or at least he realises it's there to stay.

The relationship we had before he left is going to have to change towards understanding that a Master's role - given that a meaningful M/s relationship develops for me - is going to be important in my life. it's not a hobby that i dedicate time to every now and again (which is sort of how he's seen this in the past), but this person is going to be important for me and will occupy, even dominate, areas that were previously my and my boyfriend's territory.

I realise this puts a strain on my relationship with him but it's quite clear to me that it can't be avoided and i think he will understand - or at least try to. This will mean clearly defining the areas that are ours alone. It's quite a hard task and i'm aware i'm not making his life very easy but i don't have a back-up plan for now.

anticlimax

sad

waiting for the call

Tonight I'm due to talk to my Master for the first time. I'm feeling very anxious waiting for his call. The other day I was talking to a friend about this new development with my new distant Owner and he was very surprised when i told him we hadn't met. So he said: "But you have spoken on the phone, right!?" and i said... er, yes. I have no idea why i did that and i felt stupid lying about it but i feel so insecure about this whole thing that i couldn't face someone else questioning how i can say he's my owner when we haven't even spoken. I get this from all over the place, not to mention from inside my own head so i couldn't take another adverse comment: i needed a more supportive and understanding response. My interlocutor seemed reassured by my answer, so being deceitful works.

Some will say i'm in denial, i would answer that i don't care, but i would find it hard to defend this assertion considering the web of lies i've become entangled in. I've based my choices so far on an online chat. Maybe it wasn't the wisest thing to do but it's what i have decided to do and i don't want to have to defend it before people all day long.

As the time quickly approaches 10.30pm and my phone lies silent on the table next to me, the doubt insinuates that the call might not come at all today. It's a possibility that will force me again to consider if i've been right to allow myself to be swept off my feet by this virtual presence that i'm so waiting to see burst into my tangible world with one powerful leap.

If the call doesn't come, it won't be the end of the word. I'm not the sort of person who'll say "you didn't call and now it's over" but it will put a nail in the coffin of this ownership's credibility. I'm putting so much hope into what's looked from the beginning as a very unlikely development and now i'm hoping that he will, with one gesture, come to my rescue to show that i did right trusting my instincts.

In the meantime my friend is going to find out about my little lie when he reads this, but i'll feel better if he knows anyway. Sorry, B.

there's fetish and fetish

The other day I was talking to a friend about the fact that i don't like Hard On. Like i've said before, i was quite disappointed to find that it wasn't at all a place for Masters and slaves but simply a sex club - and quite a camp one at that. I dream of a place where the dynamics of dominance and submission integrate seamlessly into the regular running of things, just like any other fact of life and Hard On is not it. My friend's way of summarising this was another. He said: that's not fetish.

Fetish, like session (or sesh) is one of those words i don't use a lot. I'm not sure why. I think it's because it makes everything sound unreal whereas i, as i was saying, keep chasing a reality that accepts and understands D/s.

But this idea that somehow for me it's not about fetish is really a fantasy. Of course it's a fetish. It's just that my fetish is not leather, rubber, boots - although boots are kind of cool. What i fetishise is anything to do with domination - collars, chains, restraints - and masculinity - which in my mind translates not so much as leather garments but sportswear.

This week i bought a pair of shox. When i took them out of the box i couldn't get my eyes off them, the shiny surface, the curves, the smell, the fabric.

Naaa... that's not fetish at all, is it.

73

Talking to a friend the other day about his age range of interest i thought a bit about age and preferences. My friend Ben is probably right to say that i'm quite restrictive when it comes to my preferences in Masters but these preferences are not written in stone, although i can't deny that i have an ideal in mind that i'm naturally drawn to.

i remember sitting in my kitchen at the age of 16 discussing with a friend whether it's possible to fall in love with someone you don't know. If you have developed any idea about the person behind this blog, you must have guessed that i was the person defending the seemingly absurd idea that it is indeed possible to fall in love with someone you don't know. I must admit I probably do these things out of a desire to contradict, build up a debate. Whatever my motives, my reasoning was that of course you can because we're always attaching qualities to people and in fact, the least we know about a person, the more we can make them exactly the way we'd like them to be and at that point, how difficult is it to fall in love with this idealised persona. Whether those feelings would survive being confronted with the flesh and bones of the individual in question is another matter altogether, but your feelings are your own, you make them, all the chemicals and electricity that shoot all over the place inside your brain and cause you to feel are yours.

When i was a child, i was sent to school a whole year early so i grew up surrounded by boys who were all a year older than me. Whatever i did, i could never outgrow them, i was always the little one and they were always a bit stronger, a bit taller, a bit more. Maybe there's a bit of that in it too, i'm always attracted to men who are about one or two years older than me, and every time i see someone i like, i immediately assume that they must be about my age but a bit older -- unless it's blatantly obvious that they are like 12. In fact it always takes me by surprise, when i realise that someone i like is in fact younger than me. I'm unprepared for it and it always leaves me feeling a bit unprepared.

i have discussed my idealised Master with my therapist, the fact that he is my alter-ego, a mirrored reflection of me, he is another me, but with all the qualities that i lack: he's strong where i'm weak, dominant where i'm submissive, firm where i'm laid-back. He's the me that i'm not - and for this reason i bow down to his will and let him be in charge of that which is his by right: me.

trust

The days I'm spending in expectation of meeting my new Master are going by slowly, some more than others. My Master has found out about my blog and seemed quite pleased about it so i think He will let me continue to write it.

At times i can't help but ask myself what exactly i'm expecting out of this long-distance involvement. i'm wary of calling it a relationship because i hesitate to raise my gaze too high or allow myself to think too much of it, not in terms of time (which would be a lost battle) but in terms of its intensity.

i'm a bit like a kid who's afraid to trust. So he stands in a corner waiting for a tell-tale sign to understand if he can, or not, trust. At times i'm besotted by his charisma and force of character, but then his absence and distance leave me time enough to raise my barriers and questions again.

The trust that's so hard to give into, is not trust in Him, but rather trust in myself and in the belief, i keep toying with, that being His slave in spite of all the airmiles between us, is possible.

I wait and wait for the day that we will be face to face, confident that on that day i will know and have all the answers. Whether that's true is questionable but for the time being that's one belief i've decided to trust.

unlimited

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the lacewing

In the bathroom in my office lives a little lacewing. I noticed her yesterday when she was looking rather healthy. I initially hassled her a little and tested her strength directing the hand dryer nozzle straight at her from a little distance to see if i could get her to fly off the wall but she staunchly clung to the tiles in spite of her wings trembling in the hot air flow. So i left filled with respect for the winner of our little game. Throughout the day, whenever i was in the bathroom, i'd keep checking where she was at, she was constantly switching position, facing the wall one time and the middle of the room another, sometimes near the ceiling, other times closer to us floor-walkers.

Today i found her there again but this time she wasn't looking very fresh at all. She didn't switch position at all. All day she kept her spot high up in the corner near the ceiling with her face stuck in the corner. I felt very sorry for her, such a short life spent locked in an office bathroom. I would have liked to try and get her out of there but i doubt i would have managed to do much good as i'm very clumsy around insects.

As i looked at her in her little corner, i remembered writing yesterday "i sit in my corner feeling miserable" and my sense of kinship with her grew stronger.

I too, sometimes, feel like that little lacewing: small and powerless, isolated, unable to communicate, locked in without a way out and incapable of breaking out of my circle of ever deepening immobility. And, like her, i feel like i might as well be staring at a blank wall for endless hours because i've lost the will and the energy to do anything else.

Our lives are like this sometimes, we cross many other lives but we are ultimately our own body and our own self. Our body is in itself a barrier that prevents us from ever truly knowing what life's like inside the person sitting next to us. So we touch and we affect each other, leave a footprint on someone else's lawn but the whole thing boils down to its characteristic and intrinsic loneliness.

Now you've guessed it. i haven't heard from my Master yet.

the fraud

Tonight a man kindly said he thought i had the heart of a slave. I feel touched when people say that but i don't know how i feel about it, if i think it's true or not. At times i feel like a fraud, at times like this when my Master has ignored me and i feel that my feelings have been hurt. The lesson that a slave is irrelevant when not needed is one that's not easily learnt for me and like a hurt pup i sit in my corner feeling miserable, waiting for my Master to return.

At times like this i don't feel cut out to be a slave, i just feel emotionally immature and codependent. i'm not very good at suppressing these emotions that i recognise as overly self-centred to be those of a good slave whose only concern should be his Master's pleasure.

So i try to teach myself to get over myself, i remind myself that all of this is irrelevant and that all this sadness will vanish the minute He addresses me again.

in the balance

It's very easy to hurt. When you're addicted to vulnerability it's so easy to get hurt. Every time it's an impossible balance to manage: how much can you give and how much can you take. You put yourself in someone's hands and it's dangerous. Your feelings can be crushed like bubble wrap. And they so often do. So easily. You tell yourself you won't make the same mistakes again but soon enough the void is calling you again and you jump to dive deeper and deeper, lower and lower into a bottomless pit.

It's me, also. i'm so easily hurt that perhaps choosing the irrelevance of life as a slave is not the wisest choice. Anyway, not one that i've made. It has come to me and i've simply accepted. Or something like that. My acceptance is not complete because every time i don't know how much i can give and how much i can take.