old thoughts, new thoughts

In China, on holiday, in the exciting city of Shanghai and my mind drifts back again to the thought of L. I do my best not to let myself think of him but just one minor mistake and the bad mood sets in again quickly expanding to occupy all space inside my head. And i get sucked in and can't think of anything else. I can't let go of him - of the thought of him. Although all there is in it for me is pain. I've been thinking about whether it's true that i'm addicted to the pain and hurt, whether I actually seek it but i think the problem is something else. Whatever space he has taken over inside of me is now completely his. letting go would not replace the hurt with something else, it would just leave an unbearable void that, I fear, will never be filled. A non-space, negative force, a black hole, quiet nothingness. And just like a black hole, it's so dense that it's a weight i can't carry.