When my partner and i first got together i was very young. At the time i hadn't given the prospect of actually becoming a slave any thought. I had always fantasised about it, but it was that: just a dream. I had never thought it might be possible without anyone inventing a time machine. This was before the internet became a dating tool. In those days you met who you met without refining by dropdown filters on a search page. Weren't we savages back then?
When i first came out to my boyfriend as a submissive it was a couple of weeks into our relationship. It was very hard for me to get it out as i had never really told anyone. The night i told him it was all a big drama, i ended up crying, i was ashamed, i thought i was disappointing him by being so weird. He was a bit shocked at first -- again, you must remember that this was before the internet could bring everything you've never wanted to know right there on your desktop -- but quickly came round to it and said he would "work around it", or something to that effect.
Working around it was great news for me at the time. It meant my submissiveness might actually be acknowledged in my life. Over time it became clear that this solution was not ideal. My dream was to be someone's slave and to be submissive to someone who's letting you serve them to make you happy has nothing to do with it. Yet, in those rare moments when i could be submissive, i was feeling something i had never felt before. I could be myself.
It's no coincidence that i talk about "coming out" because it's very similar to the way gay people feel when they can be openly gay and have people acknowledge that about them. It's incredible how important that is for us as people: to have our identities acknowledged. People who so squarely fall into the mainstream (if they are really out there) can't really understand what it feels like to not have that.
But over time, acknowledging it with my boyfriend alone was not enough, especially because i was never his slave although i was submissive sexually. But he didn't want an exclusively submissive sexual partner and having to go outside of that area made me a little uncomfortable.
Over time our relationship became open and i started exploring outside the nest. In this context i met people who knew from the start of my submissive nature and could relate to me on that level.
I think it's impossible to describe how liberating it feels to be open about it (which is also the main reason behind this blog). Talking to other submissives, for instance, can sometimes evoke a connection that is almost fraternal and translates an understanding that goes far beyond what words can express. And talking to a dominant man, who knows me as a submissive, puts me face to face with my very nature. It's primal, it's palpable tension and the pull is sometimes irresistible. it's lambs and wolfs, humans and vampires, moths and flames, planets and black holes…
That's what has made it hard over the years to find a Master that could make me a happy slave after going through many situations that were wrong for me but that sometimes i could not pull myself out of. Some men tried to enslave me and i tried to resist it, but found it hard sometimes, creating situations where it was unclear to them what i actually wanted.
The concept of a happy slave may make some readers smile incredulously. Does a slave have a right to aspire to be happy? Isn't that a contradiction of a slave's duty to quietly and promptly obey?
Perhaps… Perhaps i'm not a good enough slave in that sense. I do believe that a person's submissive nature doesn't preclude their right to aspire to be happy in their service to their owners and i'm very happy to finally be orbiting around that happiness.
I say orbiting because i'm obviously floating between my partner and my Master.
My partner and i always stayed together because, apart from some lack of sexual compatibility, we are deeply in love with each other and even now, in our second decade together, we can't stand to be apart for too long.
But over the years our relationship has evolved towards what was right for us. Our sex life stopped being central in our relationship until it became something that's external to it and doesn't involve each other anymore. These days my sexual life is completely in my Master's domain and serving Him sexually is all the sex i want or need. Or get, for that matter...
I suppose it is a little frustrating at times, considering that i don't see Master very frequently, but what slave can claim a right to not experience some frustration from time to time. Besides, i wouldn't want it any other way. The knowledge that i am exclusively reserved for Master's service makes me very happy and, most importantly, makes Him happy. My lack of sexual activity makes it all the more special when Master chooses to have me serve Him as it truly does make it all about Him.
I also love knowing that exclusivity obviously only goes one way. I never signed up for an equal relationship and i'm happy not having one. All i need is His continued desire to keep me for His exclusive service and use, to continue feeling his dominion over me and be allowed to express my identity to a Man who understands it, appreciates it and knows what to do with it.
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