absence

Some time ago, on the Slave Register, a slave asked: how much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub. The slave in question was feeling a little frustrated by what little time her master was spending with her and was looking, i suppose, for someone to confirm that something was wrong with her situation.

I felt that this topic was very well within the remit of my expertise and replied to that post in the way that rings true to my heart: as happy as i am to spend time with my Master, i find a way to enjoy spending time away from Him, and that is by knowing that at any time i'm keeping myself available for when He calls on me. At any given time, i'm satisfying my role as His slave by being ready to serve. This is the way things go between us: when He wants to see me, He calls me and i go to Him. When i want to see Him, I gaze outside my window longingly and hope He'll call me to Him.

The fact that my method sucks and His gets me to His front door when He wants is part and parcel of the disparity between us, so something that i can't be upset about. The fact that i have no way of controlling when i see Him and He can see me whenever He wants defines our relationship and reinforces my service to Him. This is the way that i find to "enjoy" the long periods of time i sometimes have to spend without seeing Him.

Well, that is the theory. And i can live by that theory most of the time, but sometimes things get that little bit harder. And when they start to get hard, they spiral downwards pretty quickly until i find myself unable to refrain from sending Master messages hinting to the fact that i'm anxiously waiting to see Him. Is that passive-aggressive? I don't know. Maybe just passive. I have no other way to channel the emotions stirred up by my desire to see Him when they start to get out of control.

Absence, like chastity, is hard to manage because it's characterised by a void, a negative space, an emptiness which, by its very definition, gives you nothing to hold or focus on, which means you have to create that certain something to work with, such as in this case is represented by the service, the obedience, those containers that transform the void into something you can handle and better manage. Without them, you're just moving around in empty space with nothing to hold on to.

reconnecting

Feeling a bit low today. I haven't seen Master for a while and we haven't been in touch very regularly.

I sometimes feel a little overwhelmed by feelings of abandonment. Master has reassured these fears of mine several times and has never hinted to wanting to let me go, which is why I try to work through them on my own. In fact, I know that there are constraints to His ability to see me and I've been working hard at trying to control these emotions. I guess sometimes I have this need deep within me that comes out and I need contact, I need to see Him, or talk to Him, or something…

I've felt unable to write much about the way things are going because I don't feel entitled to discuss things that involve Him and it's difficult to talk about my ownership, without talking about my Master.

I keep promising myself that I'll write more about this but then, whenever I do, I come to a point where I feel I should stop. I don't know how to continue without invading a space that doesn't feel mine to discuss. I don't know how many posts I've started and left unfinished.

I'm trying, these days, to re-approach the idea of blogging again.

Give me some time…

tweet like it's 1999

I know, I'm a little behind on the web 2.0 revolution. This blog has been dormant for the best part of the last 2 years but as I see that most days someone visits these pages, I'm encouraged to try and resuscitate it.

I thought a bit of tweeting might help... live updates, right there in the right hand column... I confess, I'm not sure if I'm actually going to do it and these days things are not so exciting on a day-to-day basis from the reader's point of view as they may have been in the days I was running off to Scotland but it's worth a try.

I'll throw in a new layout too...