Recently my journey has taken me to a point where I can comfortably see my purpose as that of serving men without the need to centre that on any particular man. I have started to think of my submissiveness as my inner nature, something that defines me, and perceive myself as sitting on a lower level than the men I serve. I'm content with accepting this fact. The question ensues: am I simply turned on by seeing things this way or do I actually think that? Do I really think that I'm lower than and inferior to the men I serve? On some level I feel very comfortable with accepting that, but I'm not 100% sure of what that actually means. In the interaction, it's pretty clear: one party gets to be served, experience pleasure and control the other who is there to provide pleasure, serve and generally be of use. The existence of a clear hierarchy makes it clear that one man is above the other, hence we have a relationship of superiority/inferiority.
But does that mean that I am always inferior? Could it never be me taking the superior role? I would certainly be uncomfortable with that role and I wouldn't want it. Does that close the matter and make me inferior then?
Maybe I'm only inferior on this primal instinctive sexual level. I don't think I'm a person unworthy of living, being happy or anything like that but I do find my joy in the service of men, in seeing them as above me.
The young man I've been talking to certainly connects with me on that level. He's not abusive in any way but, like me, sees me as inferior to him, like a pet human he would like to own, to have a bit of fun, experience power over another human being and generally use me to improve his life. It's a very utilitarian approach to ownership and one that I can understand very well. From my point of view, however, a Master means the beginning and end if it all, it means allowing myself to once again experience loyalty and devotion, being exclusive and all the rest. Am I ready for that again? Am I willing to put myself through all of that again?
Over the last few months I've made a few "friends". It's all very non-committal and I must admit it doesn't leave me thoroughly fulfilled. I yearn for a stronger connection but serving is maybe its own reward. Do I need to seek fulfilment? When they need me, I'm there, they generally leave satisfied and show that to me by wanting to come back again. Should I seek more? Can't it be enough to know that I have served even if the person I have served doesn't see me as a servant? Should I seek "the Connection" with an Owner? Do I need a man to acknowledge that he sees me as below him? Isn't it enough that I know this about myself? Should I draw the line at service or should I seek to be owned once more?
As always I have way more questions than I have answers.
3 comments:
Hi there. Nice post. I’ve also wondered (as a fellow sub) whether Master / slave need necessarily also pan out as superior / inferior. Although serving masters or tops has for me definitely meant putting myself (literally) at their feet, I don’t think this means equating the radical asymmetry of roles – which is essential for power to flow between master and slave – with being any less worthy. And respect surely has to flow both ways, even if the nature of it is different for each party. When I surrender myself to a Top I want to give him a self that is worth something – otherwise what’s the point? And a Top that doesn’t respect his sub in his willingness to surrender is maybe not to be trusted.
Anyway, these are just a few ramblings. If you’re interested, I’ve also blogged about this at http://subodyssey.wordpress.com/2014/06/02/self-respecting-slave/
All best
Sub-O
Hi, thank you for your comment and sorry about taking so long to reply. I did have a look at your blog at the time but I notice that it is now hidden, which is a shame. I wonder why you've decided to do that. It's a shame that BDSM pornography is so widely available, while careful thoughts on the same subject need to be hidden behind a password. I'm sure you have your reasons for it but this means I cannot follow your writing which I remember was very interesting. All the best.
I think it's important for a dom/sub pair to establish what the nature of the superior/inferior dynamic is. Some subs revel in the feelings of inferiority, either because it's a break for their normal social role or because it confirms feelings they have that cause them shame (being given permission to feel inferior can be very liberating). But there are many forms of inferiority--the hired servant, the treasured pet, the obedient servant, the military follower, the devoted knight, and so on. One of the best cinematic depictions of submission I've ever seen is Sam in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Sam is clearly devoted to Frodo and chooses to make his needs (such as survival) inferior to Frodo's need to destroy the Ring. The scene at the end of the first film, where Sam nearly drowns trying to reach Frodo's boat, always chokes me up. But Sam's inferiority is of a very different type than the classic BDSM slave.
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