dilemma

The young Man's interest in owning me has raised the issue of whether I want to be owned again. I definitely wasn't interested in the idea until I started talking to him but even now I'm still fighting it. After losing my collar a year ago with so much heartache, I was completely uninterested in re-experiencing ownership and being someone's slave. 

Recently my journey has taken me to a point where I can comfortably see my purpose as that of serving men without the need to centre that on any particular man. I have started to think of my submissiveness as my inner nature, something that defines me, and perceive myself as sitting on a lower level than the men I serve. I'm content with accepting this fact. The question ensues: am I simply turned on by seeing things this way or do I actually think that? Do I really think that I'm lower than and inferior to the men I serve? On some level I feel very comfortable with accepting that, but I'm not 100% sure of what that actually means. In the interaction, it's pretty clear: one party gets to be served, experience pleasure and control the other who is there to provide pleasure, serve and generally be of use. The existence of a clear hierarchy makes it clear that one man is above the other, hence we have a relationship of superiority/inferiority. 

But does that mean that I am always inferior? Could it never be me taking the superior role? I would certainly be uncomfortable with that role and I wouldn't want it. Does that close the matter and make me inferior then? 

Maybe I'm only inferior on this primal instinctive sexual level. I don't think I'm a person unworthy of living, being happy or anything like that but I do find my joy in the service of men, in seeing them as above me. 

The young man I've been talking to certainly connects with me on that level. He's not abusive in any way but, like me, sees me as inferior to him, like a pet human he would like to own, to have a bit of fun, experience power over another human being and generally use me to improve his life. It's a very utilitarian approach to ownership and one that I can understand very well. From my point of view, however, a Master means the beginning and end if it all, it means allowing myself to once again experience loyalty and devotion, being exclusive and all the rest. Am I ready for that again? Am I willing to put myself through all of that again? 

Over the last few months I've made a few "friends". It's all very non-committal and I must admit it doesn't leave me thoroughly fulfilled. I yearn for a stronger connection but serving is maybe its own reward. Do I need to seek fulfilment? When they need me, I'm there, they generally leave satisfied and show that to me by wanting to come back again. Should I seek more? Can't it be enough to know that I have served even if the person I have served doesn't see me as a servant? Should I seek "the Connection" with an Owner? Do I need a man to acknowledge that he sees me as below him? Isn't it enough that I know this about myself? Should I draw the line at service or should I seek to be owned once more?

As always I have way more questions than I have answers. 

the big C

There's been a little development lately.

In spite of my focus on providing service as a pleasure slave, I have recently been talking a lot to one particular man. A conversation that was initially about a very casual encounter, has evolved into something that's about as deep as I've gone with anyone in a long time and has brought up ownership again.

The man in question is much younger than me which has both fascinated me in terms of his enthusiasm and strong opinions and given me pause for thought. I have literally witnessed his discovery of his desire to own another human being.

As usual, when what happens to me involves someone else, I am reluctant to provide too much information about them other than what affects me directly and the thing that's definitely had a considerable effect on me is his growing interest in chastity.

From the beginning of our conversation he's been pointing out that if I'm interested in being a submissive and serving men, I should deny myself pleasure as much as possible. This has resonated with me a lot. I've always had an interest in the idea of chastity and have always thought that my own orgasms were a bit meaningless but I've always had, primarily, a weird physical response to it (ranging from discomfort to mild pain) and, secondarily, not much will power.

When chastity has been imposed on me by a man who had taken charge of me, I have accepted it and honoured the wishes of my betters (usually unaided by any device) but, to be perfectly honest, it has never occurred to me to self-impose chastity on myself.

And when this young man talks about chastity, he means Chastity with a capital C: permanent with no exceptions, no orgasms, no cum release, no prostate milking. The idea is that if you are a submissive you shouldn't be seeking pleasure for yourself or release any cum. You should give Men pleasure and that only Men should produce cum.

Is this an extreme position? I can't even tell anymore. It makes sense to me and it's humbling when someone considerably younger makes you open your eyes to something that you should have been onto for a while.

The question of whether permanent chastity is unhealthy is one that I haven't been able to find a definite answer to. Some advocate for the need to milk the prostate occasionally where others are sceptical of its importance.

Although any talk of ownership is currently on hold, I have been adhering to this new hardline for now coming up to 3 weeks. I had committed to those initially while ownership was being discussed. Even though it got postponed, I'm still sticking to my end of the bargain.

The first 10 days were probably the hardest but I seem to have settled into a good groove now and it does feel proper to focus on a Man's pleasure without seeking out any happy time of my own. This way, happy time is only when the Man i'm serving is experiencing pleasure and it feels good now to be focusing on that exclusively and accept that that's all there is for me.

I think very often people fetishise chastity -- I've done that for a long time too: you put on a chastity device and it's so hot you end up taking it off to have a wank. Waa-waa (sad trombone). I'm not claiming that this will be forever but for the moment it suits me fine and when I reach my mandatory 3 weeks, I'm not sure I will be in a hurry to stop. This constant state of horniness/frustration is a bit like being on a high. The hormones flow through me like drugs keeping me hypersensitive and making me refocus on my own life purpose as a submissive.