Derailed

Being a slave is not always a bed of roses. It may sound like a funny statement but when you're someone who's wanted to be a slave from your early childhood, once you find yourself in that role, not everything is as you've dreamed.

This blog is full of all the things i have found hard over the last few years (dealing with pain, commitment, feelings of abandonment…) but probably the hardest is dealing with absence gracefully.

I came across this statement the other day:

Jealousy and possessiveness of one's Owner are not becoming in a slave. It's you who are owned, not He. While any human may FEEL these emotions, a slave does not act upon them. It may be how you handle these feelings when you experience them that speak for your maturity and growth in your slavery.

Well, this is certainly the hardest thing to do for me. It is and it has always been.

At times i ache to see Master, it's a craving within me that's hard to contain. I want to text Him, call Him, email Him, until i can finally see Him. But i can't and i mustn't. It's hard to hit that balance between letting Master know that i miss Him and staying out of the way while He doesn't need me and yet that's exactly what i have to do.

The last couple of weeks i've been called upon by Master a couple of times, once for my usual overnight duties and the other to be of use to Him during the day for something that He needed done. Spending the whole day with Him was fantastic, seeing Him take advantage of the slave body He owns made me feel useful to Him and i was rewarded with a full day in His presence and several phone conversations on the same day and the day after.

i love and worship my Master and every time He so much as looks my way i feel overwhelmed with a desire to make Him happy to own me.

Which is why i have to master the skill i quoted above: overcoming my emotions so that no action results from them and they do not inconvenience Master.

But today Master informed me that He will have no use for me over the next couple of weeks while He is busy with something and maybe because i've been spoilt with so much of His attention lately, i felt really sad to hear that. But even that sadness makes me feel like i'm not serving Him well. What is there to be sad? If Master doesn't need me, he doesn't need me. Why should i be sad that He doesn't have what He doesn't need? Why can't i stop seeing this from my own point of view and focus instead on Master the way a proper slave would?

Any time i don't see Master because He doesn't need me is time i am serving Him. I don't have to always be in His presence to serve Him, i can serve Him by simply being ready, willing and available to Him at all times.

Yet i always catch myself off making this same mistake. It's as if there were two seemingly parallel tracks I can go down and i keep ending up on the wrong one so that i have to forcibly stop myself, carry myself over to the right one and resume my journey. In the meantime, every time i do that, i feel that i have failed in my service to my Owner.