the visitor

At times i feel as though i'm walking a fine line between sanity and insanity, happiness and depression and it takes very little for these dimensions to come dangerously near or even clash. Keeping these emotions up in the air means i'm one of those toys that move responding to music and a sad or happy song is sometimes all it takes to determine my state of mind.

Fortunately escapism is something i've always been fairly skilled at but I've practiced it so unmodestly in the past that i sometimes have to wonder: what is my reality and what is the world i escape to? Am i the slave who's too afraid to give into his desire for a life of submission and hides in a vanilla touchy-feely relationship or am i just a regular guy who escapes the responsibilities and stress of everyday life by seeking a bit of thrill on the side? Am i both? Neither? I am really frankly incapable of finding an answer to that question.

All i know is that from time to time i'm overwhelmed by such sadness that i find myself unable to cope as i feel that too much is missing from my life. A desire to end things is something i'm not unfamiliar with, as any careful reader will have detected, but it's something i've come to experience as though it weren't even me. I know it comes and i know it goes. So, when it's here, i don't do anything to fight it. I observe it as though it was a visitor sitting across the table from me. We sit together and make polite conversation, until the moment comes for my visitor to leave again. But until the time comes for us to part, his presence here spells the greatest sense of emptiness for me. A familiar sense of emptiness, but emptiness nonetheless.

By the way, i have company, i should go.