spring update

It's been a long time again since i last blogged. I suspect the last of my readers will have deserted me by now but just to surprisingly entertain any casual readers i thought i would use the opportunity of being stuck on a plane seat for a couple of hours to post a little update.

It's often said that misery benefits one's artistic spirit, and far from claiming any artistic value for my humble online ramblings, i can't deny that the main reason for the lack thereof is a sharp drop in my MI (Misery Index).

On the 19th of April i have commemorated/remembered/acknowledged (if celebrated is to big a word for it) my first 3 months with my Master. "Q1" has been a great time for me, one that has seen me find, maybe for the first time, some stability and security in my submissiveness. I regularly spend weekends, and some other days, with my Owner and the way in which his presence has neatly become integrated into my life, whilst allowing me to become part of his, has been the reason for a great deal of serenity for me.

There isn't a lot that i feel i can bring up on here. It's not my habit to discuss, or disclose, what my Owner likes to do with his slave. I can simply say that he has focussed my submissive urges turning them into a positive energy that these days enriches my life and shapes it fundamentally. I'm lucky to love my Owner very much and feel his care and affection towards me.

That's all i need to not want to be let free ever again.

the orbit

Things continue to run beautifully. I see my Master regularly at least once a week and spend every other weekend with him. All the time i spend with him is a precious gift and his presence is enough for me to feel whole. It's as if he had a magical aura that could fix me, heal me.

As far as I am concerned, i think that this is it, i am now his. I have discovered a whole new dimension of devotion in feeling completely safe and protected. Trust is not even the word that describes it, because i trust him even more than i trust myself, feeling safer in his hands than my own.

I feel like a satellite that gravitates around him, held close by his strength defining my orbit.

Every day i have to pinch myself to realise that he truly has picked me to be his slave.

heavenly

Heaven, i'm in heaven... You know the song?

Well, I hate to brag but this is exactly how i've been feeling on the weekends I've been spending with my new Owner.

Yes, owned again and this time I'm on cloud nine. I'm sorry it has taken some time to update the blog with such major news. I'm going from a rather negative post to this. Well, such is life sometimes: full of surprises and unexpected turns. One of these surprises was meeting the man who has taken me on as his slave and filled my days with this intoxicating sense of safety and belonging.

A couple of months ago a dominant I was talking to said to me that previous Masters had "damaged" me. I didn't give this theory much credit at the time but now, as I'm confronted, day in, day out, with a Master who keeps filling me with an overpowering desire to keep serving him and belong to him, i have to reconsider my initially dismissive judgement, as an undefined something within me continues gnawing at my insides, making me fear that things will go wrong.

It seems i can't stop worrying about the way things will evolve. In spite of being reassured by events that nothing is going wrong, my insecurity keeps rearing its unattractive head and I keep fearing that I'll say or do something that will make him not want to continue owning me, leaving me lacking the protection and guidance that i'm beginning to grow familiar with, as it starts to permeate my everyday life.

So i guess that, despite my heavenly mood, i still haven't been able to fully relax and enjoy the sense of finally being welcomed into a space that is 100% me.

the visitor

At times i feel as though i'm walking a fine line between sanity and insanity, happiness and depression and it takes very little for these dimensions to come dangerously near or even clash. Keeping these emotions up in the air means i'm one of those toys that move responding to music and a sad or happy song is sometimes all it takes to determine my state of mind.

Fortunately escapism is something i've always been fairly skilled at but I've practiced it so unmodestly in the past that i sometimes have to wonder: what is my reality and what is the world i escape to? Am i the slave who's too afraid to give into his desire for a life of submission and hides in a vanilla touchy-feely relationship or am i just a regular guy who escapes the responsibilities and stress of everyday life by seeking a bit of thrill on the side? Am i both? Neither? I am really frankly incapable of finding an answer to that question.

All i know is that from time to time i'm overwhelmed by such sadness that i find myself unable to cope as i feel that too much is missing from my life. A desire to end things is something i'm not unfamiliar with, as any careful reader will have detected, but it's something i've come to experience as though it weren't even me. I know it comes and i know it goes. So, when it's here, i don't do anything to fight it. I observe it as though it was a visitor sitting across the table from me. We sit together and make polite conversation, until the moment comes for my visitor to leave again. But until the time comes for us to part, his presence here spells the greatest sense of emptiness for me. A familiar sense of emptiness, but emptiness nonetheless.

By the way, i have company, i should go.

security alert: red

My second life (SL) is going great. I have been bought by the best Master a slave could hope for, i've moved into a kennel which he has built in a corner of his bedroom where i can watch him sleep through the bars that fence in the confined security of the space that he has given me inside his home.

But when, going through security at an airport, you catch yourself cherishing the touch of the security guard who's searching you for concealed weapons, that's the time you start to wonder if you might not be in the need for more real-life physical contact.

Before going off on holiday over Christmas, i had agreed with a dominant man that, come January, i would go to see him and serve him. When he contacted me today, i wasn't in the mood because what i really felt i wanted was to spend time with my SL Owner. But i willed myself to accept, on account of the security guard incident, yes, but also because my time in SL has been showing me the joy that i can draw from simply being available to serve the needs and desires of others.

I started preparing my body for service, going through some standard steps to ensure offering a Master a more pleasant service and the simple act of doing this was enjoyable. You handle your own body as a gift that you can offer somebody to use and the act of giving is what gives a slave joy. All along, I was thinking about my SL Owner who i've discussed this with and felt bad about the thought of serving someone else, but i made myself see the line that separates my first and second lives and i resolved to continue.

It was only because of an unpleasant message i received from the man i was supposed to serve that i eventually decided to cancel my visit. It became very clear that we had different ideas about what it is to serve and to deserve enjoying service. You see, it's not enough to have a slave's heart for the interaction to work. It's important for the dominant to understand what it is to use a slave, what makes a man a Man (and another man a slave) and, just to be clear, it generally has little to do with being abusive or talking dirty and doesn't require disrespecting anybody.