over him

A few days ago I met L for a drink. I felt fine this time. I have been feeling fine most times I've met him recently, but maybe with a slightly sad aftertaste. This time, though, there was none of that. i think i'm over him. We chatted casually and i felt fine all along, maybe because we never touched upon the unmentionable topics: slavery, ownership, etc. It's definitely best to leave things that way. I don't want to know that about him anymore.

When i look into his eyes, i am reminded of all the crap, the sadness, the feelings of inadequacy, the loss of self-esteem, but it's somehow distant. I poke at it hesitantly with my memory trying to see it again, like you do leaning out over the edge of a tall building: to feel the pull of the void below you, to know what it's like. I tease myself with it and i stare out into my own void. It's my own little freak show and i'm jealous and protective of it. But when i do that, i look into the eyes of a man i don't really understand, with desires i don't understand. Just like i don't understand my relationship with him. i can't grasp him, and when i think i can, i can't help but feel that maybe i imagined the person i was in love with. That's when i think that i'm over him.

When he left to go to the restroom his jacket was right in front of me. i looked at it, like this part of him that he had left behind for me. I stared intently into its collar and had the urge to bury my nose hard into it and inhale through its fabric like it was my last ever chance to breathe. It was an urge of possession, breathing him in, all in, like he could never escape that way. i would inhale and never stop inhaling, until all the tiny little particles of him that have escaped him through the pores of his skin would be thousands of miles trapped inside of me, buried in my lungs, and i could cherish and hold them for ever.

i'm over him. i'm totally over him.