the truth

Should you follow heart or reason? Go where your heart takes you, we've all heard that. i certainly don't do much of that. I go where my head takes me, i.e. all the wrong places. In the Big Chill, JG tells us that rationalisation is more important than sex: we can go for days without sex but not even a few hours without rationalising. But defending the concept that the truth is whatever you can argue more forcefully, a few centuries before mr BP gave us one of those little pearls of wisdom, a quote, a little cheesy by today's standards, but nevertheless something that from my teen-age years has sort of offered me an escape route, an alternative way and hinted to the existence of something that can't be fully grasped and rightfully so. Le cœur a des raisons que la raison ne connaît point - the heart has reasons that the reason doesn't know. Can that really be true?

all hail the skate

i'm developing a brand new fetisih. Inline skates. It could develop as a branch of sportskit fetishes.

Since allowing myself to seriously indulge my rollerblading interest, i have started to focus more and more on the skate itself. The rigid shell, the steel frame, the mechanical beauty, the smooth movement, the heat, the exhaustion, the hinting to a fusion of human and robotic into a cyborg-like being. It's all taking shape as a stronger and stronger focus of my attention.

I have even emailed gaydar's customer support asking them why they list sports such as skiing, skateboarding and ice skating but not inline skating. They keep ignoring me.

on belonging

i miss D, i've said that. Then guess what, L pops up, a few stupid words and i miss him too. Then C is online. We chat a little. And i miss his presence in my life and the security of those days. This is why i don't let myself trust my feelings and why i don't take decisions based on how i feel.

What should i make of that? Ok, i miss three people instead of one, i guess that's not so bad. it's a desire to have some reality out there, some reason to belong.

These days i'm following the world cup when i've never really cared at all about football. If you call my bluff i'll probably admit that i still don't and yet today i was actually wearing a blue t-shirt with the letters I-T-A-L-I-A on it and i went to watch the game with a few other fellow countrymen (and a czech chick). If you try and convince yourself long enough that you care, in the end you start to believe that you do and you suddenly have found something else going that you can call your own, that you can feel attached to.

I'm a bit tired of living in my stupid head i just want to do meaningless stuff because the fancy takes me even if that's just watching some sport event on a big screen with other people who also think they care so we can all feel happy and hug because our team has won.

sparklelust

i have met D on the street the other day. My ex-master, D. By chance, in the street. It was so nice to see him and at the same time so sad. i felt so strongly drawn to him, i was longing for some contact even something hardly noticeable, grazing against each other, some skin on skin, but it was all perfectly nice and perfectly appropriate. i miss him.

Looking for action now

i feel very removed from the business of online interaction. Reconworld. After discussing with a friend how he tends to get stood up a lot by people he has met online and how this doesn't seem to happen to me that much, we've realised that, well, i don't really meet a lot of people and when i do it's never as a spur-of-the-moment must-have-you-now one-off fuck. Am i less spontaneous than that? Probably. A lot less. It's one thing meeting somebody in a real life situation and going off to do whatever it is that people do when they fancy each other. Quite another sitting in front of a computer and agreeing with one another on the basis of an online pic that you are actually going to go outside to have sex with this person who maybe used to look like the 5 year old picture he's attached to his message.

I suppose I should like this: the meat market approach to sex, but i don't. I guess i can see the interest in being approached as some piece of meat but i can't do the same to a master, it's completely meaningless to me. Unsurprisingly, giving up your own pleasure to purely focus on someone else's tends to be more rewarding when that someone else is somebody that you... i don't want to say "care about", but at least have some kind of human contact with.

I don't know, perhaps I'm all wrong. I can already hear the comments coming about this saying: if you are a slave, why should it matter that this is rewarding to you? So I have to ask myself: should it? Maybe then i'm not really a slave. Ultimately I'm being asked to take a decision, so, up until the moment that decision is taken I must exert some degree of free will and this is what comes out of that.

Wanna fuck? No, thanks. Truth be told, if i get an urge for such meaningless release of fluids, i'd much rather have a wank and be done with it.