Over the last month i have been missing C. Very much in fact. The therapist has been telling me these are displaced feelings, i think that's what she called them. I seem to think i'm upset about missing C when in fact my feelings are about something completely different: they're about me missing my boyfriend. Apparently it's a decoy i use in order not to deal with the real problems and a way to channel my emotions where i feel they're easier to manage.
She either gets me way better than anyone could or she doesn't have a clue what she's talking about. Either way, it's hard for me to relate to what she tells me for the simple reason that it's not a me i recognise. But apparently, according to her, i live in this bubblewrapped universe where i don't let anything get to me and i dissociate from anything upsetting to the point that it's as if it wasn't even me.
I don't know if all of this is true. Of course i miss my boyfriend, he's thousands of miles away. But that doesn't mean that my troubled slave self doesn't also miss C and the idea of safe ownership. To me he is the first time that i felt happy being a slave, that i felt protected, secure and happy to serve. He was the first master who kissed me, who allowed me to feel emotionally attached, who justified and received all the feelings that being his slave awoke in me. The first time i didn't have to feel ashamed for wanting to be a slave. With him i just felt right.
Ultimately, though, all these emotions came to a disastrous end when he let me go etc etc. To this day i keep in touch with him and when times are a little difficult i look back with a little melancholy to when he used to own me and i could find calm on my knees at his feet. These days i'm trying to see him, to escape unhappy moments artificially recreating some of this past glory. It's all false of course, just a fantasy. i'm aware of that, and i hope that makes it ok. i wonder if he knows how he's come to embody all of this for me. I try not to burden him with this stuff. i just need to feel safe again.
1 comment:
Everyone lives a Hermetic fantasy or 'reality' these days. With all the superfast electronic ways of communicating and voyeuristic psychologies at play, I don't know a person who isn't insulated and removed from their reality. It's how the government likes us to be as well. We live a largely SciFi lifestyle these days. It's not so much a tragedy as it is a thing to make peace with. I think it's beautiful that you try to find the most ethical way to face that fact.
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