Today i spoke again to my Owner and for the first time i felt doubtful. I had doubts about the way things are turning. The balance is shifting in a way that i can't handle very well. I'm starting to feel like i'm making requests of him, things like deciding of changes in his life that would allow him time and space to own a slave. i don't want to be behind that decision and i do try not to put any pressure with regards to it in terms of time but then he seems overall less involved in this than he used to be and all i try to do is understand not the logistics but if the desire is still there to own me. And it's difficult to get a clear answer. It makes no sense to say, ok, I own you, see you around. And in trying to understand, i feel like i'm nagging. And it seems that i have these feelings for him and he merely allows them to exist because he is amused and entertained by them but he is not really on the other side of this. Fuck, why do i have to be such a girl? But ultimately he has awoken all this stuff in me and now has left me to deal with it. The million options and decisions are making me go haywire. i'm sickened at the thought of having to "lead from the bottom". But he's become more passive. i've taken my first assertive step deciding to go to Glasgow of my own accord. It's a weird dynamic now that i don't know if i really want to be a part of. I want to be owned by someone who tells me how things are going to run, who takes the decisions and who is clear about what he wants. But now it's a vicious circle, i become like this and i don't understand where i stand. And i don't like me this way because the slave gets trampled on by the more assertive part of me. The part of me that comes out and says: it's always easy to get on with the slave that says nothing at all, takes everything that's thrown at him. But at least throw him something. And then i start writing paragraphs this long that make no sense. It's not a good sign.
But right then he calls me puppy and i melt and i just want to kneel, look up at him and wait.
1 comment:
What the fuck?
Stop being so goddamn self-critical for a minute and take a step back and look at the evidence.
Far from not making sense, your long paragraph makes perfect sense. It's describing a relationship which is classic "other woman" behaviour -- i.e.. what happens when a woman is dating a married man... even to the extent where your Owner is acting out the "married man" role. Ask yourself - is that what you want?
That aside, if you choose not to see it in that light for whatever reason, here's some more about what's happened..
First, you seem to have forgotten that you're dealing with someone who is 25. Not 30, not 40, but 25. Do you remember what you were like when you were 25? You probably were a lot more self-critical then than he is, but of course there's going to be an element of difficulty getting a straight answer... it's not like he doesn't want to... it's just that he doesn't know how!
And, you can't tell him. You need him to know, yes, but you can't be teaching him the basics... for the very reason you've identified... the moment you start, you'll never end... and the balance of power will have shifted.
Of course he's less involved than he has been in the past... he's told you (in a very Scottish way) on several occasions that he's in it for the fantasy, not the reality, but you're still there trying to make the reality happen.
He doesn't have the life experience to say to you in a way that you're going to understand that you're flogging a VERY dead horse... so, he's going to kick back and enjoy himself.
He's realised a LONG time ago that a little goes a long way... and that there's very little he has to do to keep you interested. And why not? it feeds his ego... and allows him to explore feelings and thoughts he's had that aren't ready for reality as yet.
And if you can realise that he's not prepared to deal with the reality of the situation in HIS life... how can you possibly expect him to have what it takes to deal with the reality of the situation in YOURS?
He's saying to you - in a very Scottish way - and by the way, it doesn't even have to be that he's Scottish, but all it is is that he has to live there... that he's just not interested. It may seem cruel and inhuman, but in the same way that most British people don't want to embarass others by speaking the truth, Scottish people in particular will never dump anyone... they just have less and less contact until the other person gets the point.
Anyway, there's no use berating yourself "being such a girl" -- you're not a girl... you're a slave, who very much and very badly wants his owner to give what he's been promised.
In my last reply to your post, I mentioned that one of the things that would come out of this experience is an awareness of your needs. Here's a sentence that sums a bit of it up quite nicely: " I want to be owned by someone who tells me how things are going to run, who takes the decisions and who is clear about what he wants."
ANYONE can fake being a Master... even you could do it if you put your mind to it... the proof is whether the actions follow the words... and even if they do, what helps you decide between a couple of genuine Masters is whether they give you what you want and need.
SO.. here's the first time where you've identified very clearly what you want.. in the absence of anything else (and I would expect there are a lot more of these if you only thought about it) does your current owner give this to you? If not, he has no business being your owner.
Once in a while, mistakes do happen... we're all human... but if you start out with a tick sheet, it's a lot less likely to. Sure, there's always an element of ignoring the tick sheet and just going with the flow... (because sticking strictly to a tick sheet will mean that nothing ever happens)... but at the end of the day/week/month... there has to be a minimum standard maintained.. and in these experiences, this is where you learn what makes up your minimum standard.
Now... the rest of your post deals with a different subject - and it's as a result of that subject that I've decided to write you directly for that bit.
But, before I do, to wind up this thought... I'll just point out something... here we are several months later, and you're finding yourself going through exactly the same process as happened with the guy in Brighton.
I expect, when all is said and done, the results will be similar.
What *I* would be wondering is what it is that you need to do or learn so as not to have to go through this again. There are clearly things you could identify about what it is that turns you on, or that attracts you in the first place... surely it's not random that you've ended up in the same situation twice (and more) in a row now... so, if it were me, I'd be looking for similarities at this point.... while you still have access to the person whom attracted you.
I would also consider a time for reflection.. without any committments whatsoever.. even if that means breaking promises... to see what it is that you can learn from these lessons before you go out to try again.
One of the things you might consider is whether or not you're attracted to inaccessibility... or perhaps you give Masters who are inaccessible to you more of the benefit of the doubt than you do ones whom you might easily meet. Perhaps it's the sense of drama that attracts you... jumping off a plane into Master's waiting arms..
In any case, I know you don't see this as OVER as yet, but think about it this way... are you really going to find something different in your Owner's behaviour that is SO different from your Brighton experience so as to give food for some hope that it's going to work out differently this time around? If so, identify what that is and focus on it. If not, quit wasting your own time and his.
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