journeys

On the train today i saw a kid travelling with his mum and dad. His father was telling him the names of the stations we'd passed. He had no idea where he was and seemed amused hearing the names of the stations. I envied him. I remember what it's like travelling not knowing or caring where you're going because you only need to follow who you're with, trustful that they know best.

Yesterday things ended with my Glasgow Master. Unfortunately i had lost faith in his knowing where we were going. I felt horrible ending things but i eventually figured out i had to. I felt that i was disappointing him and it made me feel terrible. I think at a certain point, a little later than most people, my self-defense / preservation mechanism kicks in and i have to rescue myself from emotional disaster. I tried to explain my reasons and asked him to let me go. He wanted me to wait further but as it became clear that he wasn't sure what i should wait for, i just had to ask that he releases me.

The truth is i can't wait. i do wait but i'm an impatient person by nature and i value someone who's equally impatient, who wants regular strong contact, who bursts into my life, not invading it aggressively but actively deciding to be part of it. Someone who shows me that i can allow to invest emotionally because he will recognise and appreciate the honesty and intensity of my devotion and my spontaneous and natural desire to be responsible for taking care of his needs. As much as i had grown to have strong feelings for my now ex-Master, i felt deeply unhappy about his distance -- not only in terms of geography. He did tell me abundantly how he appreciated my devotion to him, but somehow i couldn't feel it anymore based only on words that were not followed by anything more.

And so it ends, i had to look up and find out the names of the stations for myself and try to figure out where we were. It turns out i have a bit more of my journey to do on my own before i can once more sit comfortably next to someone else who'll take charge of me again.