dilemma

The young Man's interest in owning me has raised the issue of whether I want to be owned again. I definitely wasn't interested in the idea until I started talking to him but even now I'm still fighting it. After losing my collar a year ago with so much heartache, I was completely uninterested in re-experiencing ownership and being someone's slave. 

Recently my journey has taken me to a point where I can comfortably see my purpose as that of serving men without the need to centre that on any particular man. I have started to think of my submissiveness as my inner nature, something that defines me, and perceive myself as sitting on a lower level than the men I serve. I'm content with accepting this fact. The question ensues: am I simply turned on by seeing things this way or do I actually think that? Do I really think that I'm lower than and inferior to the men I serve? On some level I feel very comfortable with accepting that, but I'm not 100% sure of what that actually means. In the interaction, it's pretty clear: one party gets to be served, experience pleasure and control the other who is there to provide pleasure, serve and generally be of use. The existence of a clear hierarchy makes it clear that one man is above the other, hence we have a relationship of superiority/inferiority. 

But does that mean that I am always inferior? Could it never be me taking the superior role? I would certainly be uncomfortable with that role and I wouldn't want it. Does that close the matter and make me inferior then? 

Maybe I'm only inferior on this primal instinctive sexual level. I don't think I'm a person unworthy of living, being happy or anything like that but I do find my joy in the service of men, in seeing them as above me. 

The young man I've been talking to certainly connects with me on that level. He's not abusive in any way but, like me, sees me as inferior to him, like a pet human he would like to own, to have a bit of fun, experience power over another human being and generally use me to improve his life. It's a very utilitarian approach to ownership and one that I can understand very well. From my point of view, however, a Master means the beginning and end if it all, it means allowing myself to once again experience loyalty and devotion, being exclusive and all the rest. Am I ready for that again? Am I willing to put myself through all of that again? 

Over the last few months I've made a few "friends". It's all very non-committal and I must admit it doesn't leave me thoroughly fulfilled. I yearn for a stronger connection but serving is maybe its own reward. Do I need to seek fulfilment? When they need me, I'm there, they generally leave satisfied and show that to me by wanting to come back again. Should I seek more? Can't it be enough to know that I have served even if the person I have served doesn't see me as a servant? Should I seek "the Connection" with an Owner? Do I need a man to acknowledge that he sees me as below him? Isn't it enough that I know this about myself? Should I draw the line at service or should I seek to be owned once more?

As always I have way more questions than I have answers. 

Derailed

Being a slave is not always a bed of roses. It may sound like a funny statement but when you're someone who's wanted to be a slave from your early childhood, once you find yourself in that role, not everything is as you've dreamed.

This blog is full of all the things i have found hard over the last few years (dealing with pain, commitment, feelings of abandonment…) but probably the hardest is dealing with absence gracefully.

I came across this statement the other day:

Jealousy and possessiveness of one's Owner are not becoming in a slave. It's you who are owned, not He. While any human may FEEL these emotions, a slave does not act upon them. It may be how you handle these feelings when you experience them that speak for your maturity and growth in your slavery.

Well, this is certainly the hardest thing to do for me. It is and it has always been.

At times i ache to see Master, it's a craving within me that's hard to contain. I want to text Him, call Him, email Him, until i can finally see Him. But i can't and i mustn't. It's hard to hit that balance between letting Master know that i miss Him and staying out of the way while He doesn't need me and yet that's exactly what i have to do.

The last couple of weeks i've been called upon by Master a couple of times, once for my usual overnight duties and the other to be of use to Him during the day for something that He needed done. Spending the whole day with Him was fantastic, seeing Him take advantage of the slave body He owns made me feel useful to Him and i was rewarded with a full day in His presence and several phone conversations on the same day and the day after.

i love and worship my Master and every time He so much as looks my way i feel overwhelmed with a desire to make Him happy to own me.

Which is why i have to master the skill i quoted above: overcoming my emotions so that no action results from them and they do not inconvenience Master.

But today Master informed me that He will have no use for me over the next couple of weeks while He is busy with something and maybe because i've been spoilt with so much of His attention lately, i felt really sad to hear that. But even that sadness makes me feel like i'm not serving Him well. What is there to be sad? If Master doesn't need me, he doesn't need me. Why should i be sad that He doesn't have what He doesn't need? Why can't i stop seeing this from my own point of view and focus instead on Master the way a proper slave would?

Any time i don't see Master because He doesn't need me is time i am serving Him. I don't have to always be in His presence to serve Him, i can serve Him by simply being ready, willing and available to Him at all times.

Yet i always catch myself off making this same mistake. It's as if there were two seemingly parallel tracks I can go down and i keep ending up on the wrong one so that i have to forcibly stop myself, carry myself over to the right one and resume my journey. In the meantime, every time i do that, i feel that i have failed in my service to my Owner.

how a slave performs a task

I often find myself in the morning in that space between sleep and wake where you can gently push your thoughts in one direction and see them turn into some kind of dream. In fact i'm not always sure when thoughts have originated in another dream and when I've been the one to voluntarily initiate them.

This morning, i half-woke up with images in my head of a large cage that slaves could be kept in waiting for an interested buyer. At some point i was in there with other slaves and i was being bought to be used to serve customers in my future Master's tavern (!).

I think this imagery links back to when i was spending time in Second Life serving as a Gorean slave. Serving drinks and generally ensuring the comfort of the Free was part of what my service sometimes entailed and i think much of my dream scenario was roughly based around those situations.

In my dream i remember taking two guests' orders and then scurrying off to get the two men their drinks. As i did so, i would ensure the glasses were impeccably clean and the drinks would be at the right temperature.

This prompted me to reflect on something regarding my perception of what a slave does. A slave shouldn't mechanically perform a task he is assigned because he fears the repercussions of disobedience. I think a slave should put everything into performing any task as best he can out of a genuine desire to ensure the person he is serving will be fully satisfied with the service they receive.

It is almost a question of finding pride and joy in your service. A slave should love to serve and please and should understand that to be his purpose in life. A slave should always want to make sure that whatever task he was given, he couldn't have performed any better.

This ensures the person he is serving always receives the best possible service. A free person shouldn't have to worry about the details of a task they assign to a slave, only that the outcome is as expected, if not better.

Yes, these are actually the thoughts in my head before i've even got out of bed.

I generally try to put this kind of thinking into serving Master. Unfortunately i don't spend as much time with Him as i would like, so the opportunities to do that are limited, but when i am with Him, the desire to see Him pleased is overwhelming.

One of the things that Master enjoys is to have His feet massaged while he is resting or is busy with something else and this is one of the tasks He likes to have His slave around for. Master often has me do this for Him and i have to say that i experience such a sense of purpose when i kneel at His feet and silently take care of this task for Him. I truly feel that in this role, i am allowed to express to Him how much i love and worship Him and i like to put all i have into doing this for Him.

That same degree of attention is what i think a slave should have in any task he is given and that is usually the standard i strive for. I'm not saying that my service is always impeccable: i do get physically tired and my service will be negatively affected by that but i think that the pleasure of serving and truly be useful is what makes me the kind of slave that i am.

all about my Master

A few days ago, i asked Master if He would allow me to write a little more about Him in this blog.

I have now been His for over 2 years. Two years and a quarter, in fact. Over this time, i have never written much about my slavery mainly because, as i've explained before, i felt that it wasn't really mine to talk about. In order to write about it, i have to write about my Master and i wasn't really sure He would want me to or that i should even ask. I always hesitate to ask something of Master, unless i have to. My reasoning is that if i have to ask, it is not something that He has wanted in the first place and asking for something for myself is not adequate slave behaviour.

i suppose we could call this a guideline, rather than a strict rule: i'm in no way claiming that i have never asked Master anything that he hadn't initiated first but i suppose i try to limit the extent to which i risk being a nuisance for Him and this request was never pressing enough to float to the top of the list of things to ask.

As it turns out, over 2 years and a quarter, the question has made its way to the top of said list and Master has allowed me to write a few things about Him which means i can now blog a little about my current situation.

As readers of this blog will know already, in the past my search for a Master has been hindered by the fact that i am not unattached. Although my partner of many years is aware of my submissive nature and understands my need to make it part of my real life, this has limited the number of Masters who have been interested in taking me as their slave. Personally, i have little interest in one-offs, role-play or "scenes" and was always seeking a deeper connection that would link me to the man who'd take me in hand but the masters who sought a slave like me, also wanted a live-in situation or an otherwise full-time arrangement.

Lucky for me, this has not been an issue for my Master because He cannot actually have me around all the time as he is also not unattached.

In fact, i am available to Him much more than He can even have me around which, although frustrating at times, means that i'm always available for Him when He wants me to go and serve Him and obviously this is the way things should be.

But this time around is not only a first in the sense that i am able to feel i can actually satisfy the Man who owns me in terms of His expectations with regards to the time He wants me with Him, He is also very different from any master who has tried his hand with me in the past in a number of ways, the most noteworthy of which is the fact that He is straight.

i must admit it was always a fantasy of mine to serve a straight man. i suppose the reality of it is different from the fantasy, as i will explain in a minute, but it's still a pretty strong factor playing on my mind as it is one additional element emphasising the difference between us.

My Master and i were born within a matter of days of each other at the opposite ends of the world. I think this similarity and opposition between us is quite emblematic of everything about us as it symbolises how we are at the same time very similar and very different from each other: in fact we could potentially have been the same type of person, but we're not: He's dominant and strong-willed and i'm quiet and submissive, He's stronger and i'm weaker, He's straight and i'm gay, He's my Master and i'm His slave.

It just all feels right.

Our personalities complement each other so well. From my point of view, He's everything that i am not and i love serving Him for that and can't thank my lucky star enough that He has chosen me, of all people, to be His slave.

I must admit that i like the fact that He is this "unsuspectable" straight married man out there in the world and i am -- unbeknownst to all -- His adoring slave.

I think the main bonus of my Master being straight is the fact that He is obviously completely disconnected from the "gay scene" which is an environment i have always found quite off-putting. I do like to hang around at the occasional gay bar for drinks and such but i have never liked the whole cruisy side of gay life and the superficiality that often seems to pervade it.

But His sexual orientation obviously also affects the way in which i serve Him, which, again, is very different from any Master who's owned me in the past. Initially, sexual service was not a strong part of the reason why Master wanted to own a slave but pretty quickly He began making use of me sexually. Sex with Master, however, is very different from sex with any other man before Him. His excitement comes not from any sexual objectification of me personally but purely through the power relationship: the knowledge that my body is His to use however He wishes and sex is but one of those uses.

In my case, obviously, it's a little different: i am very attracted to Master, i'm excited any time i'm near Him and love serving Him in whatever way He wants. I suppose this is one further difference between us that sees me being in a weaker role. This lack of sexual objectification on His part, however, is something i hadn't considered or worked into my previous fantasies about serving a straight man and it was initially something i was unprepared for.

I had never consciously thought about it before but a gay Master will look at a male slave differently from a straight Master. This is so obvious to say now, but before Master came around, i had never thought about it. That sexual tension is something that is clearly there with a gay Master and doesn't need to be spoken but the minute it's not there, you are definitely aware of its absence and a slave's nakedness can become much more naked.

I'm in no way implying that i feel rejected by Master but i think that in this context a slave becomes a lot more like a pet -- which incidentally is what Master likes to call me sometimes. He calls me His pet. And i truly feel that way 100%.

In this context there is no overlapping between the relationship we share and the ones with our respective partners because they could not be any more different. Of course i love my Master very much, but in an entirely different way from the way i do my partner. My Master is not my partner: He is my Owner, the man i lovingly serve and worship. And similarly i also feel His love for me, which i'm well aware, is very different from the love He has for His wife.

This leaves no room for any kind of jealousy. The simplicity and linearity of these feelings is what makes my slavery so special: there are no uncertainties, no mixed signals, no doubts, no scope for the relationship to develop in unforeseen directions.

All there is here is one Man and His slave.