pictures of you

It continues to be hard to find the determination to put too much effort in gym training. I manage to drag my tired arse there but as soon as i start and thoughts begin to flow through my head i start feeling that i don't care and it's difficult to continue.

At times i'm more upset than others, sometimes i feel that if things are not going to happen and i'm not going to get to see him, it doesn't matter, it means he doesn't really want it and it's ok if i can't give him what he doesn't really want but at other times i'm overwhelmed by this terrible sadness that grips me and suggest that all the expectations, the things we've said to each other, it's all going to vanish into nothingness.

Yet i can't simply say it's over, i feel that i have to ok it with him. He has to tell me that it's over, and then i'll know it is. In the meantime, i miss him so badly and how much i miss him now pales to nothing next to the thought that we might not actually meet at all. It gives me a great sense of loss. I realise it sounds stupid - i'll never meet someone i've never met, but it makes me feel terrible. The way he talked to me, i thought he was the other side of my medal, my opposite, and i thought he would become so much more. But i'm just left with this messy mix of feelings turning from sadness, into resignation, then anger, then confusion.

Ironically, as i write this, an old Cure song's playing

i've been looking so long at these pictures of you
that i almost belive that they're real
i've been living so long with my pictures of you
that i almost believe that the pictures are all i can feel