a wee bit better

Finally back in London, i left the lowest of my moods up in Scotland. Still on the plane the disappointment of my Master not showing up the second night and not getting in touch for the following 24 hours i was in Glasgow was hurting but coming into London i started drawing strength from the familiarity of the surroundings and i immediately felt better. In Glasgow i had ended up feeling very lost and, i guess, abandoned. But at Liverpool Street I came out for a cigarette and the Gherkin was there, everything was familiar and i kept feeling reinvigorated. Ironically a couple of Scots who had got lost came up to me asking for directions.

When i was a teenager, i had a friend who had "found her energy centre" under a fountain in the middle of a square near where she lived. For this reason she never used to travel too far from it, even leaving the city was something of a challenge. I know, that's the sort of folks i used to hang out with. Explains a lot, doesn't it? As much as i used to find it quirky at the time, i could sort of understand it better last night.

Leaving behind me the fantasy of this ownership that, i'm afraid, won't come true, I came home to my flatmates watching My Fair Lady - and, i know, this is the most unlikely quote you would expect on a bdsm-leaning blog but Eliza Dolittle was actually singing it for me: Words! Words! Words! I'm so sick of words. Don't just talk, show me.

The trip has revealed to me what i was afraid of: that he won't make it happen. Even being in the same city made little difference. I suspect he's a young man who isn't sure of what he wants or how much he wants it and it now seems ill-advised to put myself in his uncertain hands. It makes me sad to abandon this image of him that i had become so attached to and the blindfolded part of me still hopes that he'll get back to me with reasons for the past and a plan for the future - but that little portion of me that actually tries to look rationally at what goes on around me is telling me that my Owner doesn't own me anymore.