four

The number of cigarettes i smoked today. 4 up from yesterday, but only 1 more than my last lowly day. It happened this morning when it occurred to me while regurgitating one of David's messages that "i'll be gone from this Friday till next" didn't mean he had distractedly forgotten to type the day he'd return but that he'd be gone a whole week. i started feeling this sense of nausea gripping me from the inside as i realised that the number of days that we actually have available to meet, if he wants to, is getting uncomfortably low and i had to get away from the office to get some air. Air.

A few years ago, during the whole L disaster, that's when i took up smoking again after keeping off it for about 10 years. And it took me about a year to quit again. It's a horrible habit, i know, but what can i say, it truly comforts me in certain moments. More so if you don't normally smoke, you feel the effect right away, your blood vessels decontract and you get a bit of a head rush. We are after all constantly reminded by the media that it's a drug and everyone knows that sometimes a poor soul needs drugs.

There's also something else, and i thought of it this morning as i was considering whether i'd be blogging about this. Am i really 100% honest on here? Or do i filter out what would make me appear at my most pathetic? Like suicidal thoughts. I think of that. And this morning I really would have wanted an easy way out of everything. Something that would make me sleep and gently slow down my heart rate till i can finally relax and let go.

And i so hope no one will have the great idea of sending me a message telling me how it's not worth it. I truly don't want to hear that. But what struck me this morning, as i was having my solitary cigarette on the pavement outside my office, is how there's really no joy in my life at the present moment. Sure, i do fine, i have nice people around me, i'm not starving or have any deadly disease. But i'm talking about joy. There is none in me. And the joy that i suddenly felt talking to David, that crept up on me unannounced and startled me, that's a drug that you truly ought to be wary of and that's what's now turning into this sour disappointment.

So you see, when this is what's flowing in your veins, when these are the thoughts that you start your day with - whatever harm a cigarette can do to you doesn't seem so serious to make you question your right to allow yourself that little comfort.