how it ended

I will just write a couple of things about what happened because it is not my intention to go into the details of how things ended with my former owner.

I will just say that he has fundamentally betrayed my trust in a way that I never could have imagined.

I have known him for close to 6 years and I have exposed everything about myself to him. I had full trust in him only to find out that in the last few months he was lying to me for one of the most nefarious reason I can think of.

This has effectively put an end to our relationship but more than that, I think it has affected my ability to fully trust people.

The day I found out, I was out in the street and I was so disgusted that I felt repulsed by everyone around me. I didn't want anything to do with anyone else. I didn't want to talk, or touch, or be in the vicinity of anyone else, other than my partner who has supported me through this.

This was a couple of weeks ago and was the culmination of a couple more weeks of intense pain. 

Fortunately, my ostrich like ability to put things behind me, ignore them, put them in a box and hide it, pretend they never happened, has helped me feel better about this whole thing. I've started to look around me again, and don't feel so repulsed anymore.

But I do feel cheated out of more than 5 years of my life, being involved with someone who turned out to be a pathological liar.

I'll leave it there. The negativity. This is the last I shall speak of this.

I'm just trying to figure out what to do with myself now...

Derailed

Being a slave is not always a bed of roses. It may sound like a funny statement but when you're someone who's wanted to be a slave from your early childhood, once you find yourself in that role, not everything is as you've dreamed.

This blog is full of all the things i have found hard over the last few years (dealing with pain, commitment, feelings of abandonment…) but probably the hardest is dealing with absence gracefully.

I came across this statement the other day:

Jealousy and possessiveness of one's Owner are not becoming in a slave. It's you who are owned, not He. While any human may FEEL these emotions, a slave does not act upon them. It may be how you handle these feelings when you experience them that speak for your maturity and growth in your slavery.

Well, this is certainly the hardest thing to do for me. It is and it has always been.

At times i ache to see Master, it's a craving within me that's hard to contain. I want to text Him, call Him, email Him, until i can finally see Him. But i can't and i mustn't. It's hard to hit that balance between letting Master know that i miss Him and staying out of the way while He doesn't need me and yet that's exactly what i have to do.

The last couple of weeks i've been called upon by Master a couple of times, once for my usual overnight duties and the other to be of use to Him during the day for something that He needed done. Spending the whole day with Him was fantastic, seeing Him take advantage of the slave body He owns made me feel useful to Him and i was rewarded with a full day in His presence and several phone conversations on the same day and the day after.

i love and worship my Master and every time He so much as looks my way i feel overwhelmed with a desire to make Him happy to own me.

Which is why i have to master the skill i quoted above: overcoming my emotions so that no action results from them and they do not inconvenience Master.

But today Master informed me that He will have no use for me over the next couple of weeks while He is busy with something and maybe because i've been spoilt with so much of His attention lately, i felt really sad to hear that. But even that sadness makes me feel like i'm not serving Him well. What is there to be sad? If Master doesn't need me, he doesn't need me. Why should i be sad that He doesn't have what He doesn't need? Why can't i stop seeing this from my own point of view and focus instead on Master the way a proper slave would?

Any time i don't see Master because He doesn't need me is time i am serving Him. I don't have to always be in His presence to serve Him, i can serve Him by simply being ready, willing and available to Him at all times.

Yet i always catch myself off making this same mistake. It's as if there were two seemingly parallel tracks I can go down and i keep ending up on the wrong one so that i have to forcibly stop myself, carry myself over to the right one and resume my journey. In the meantime, every time i do that, i feel that i have failed in my service to my Owner.

bad news

Just found out i won't see Master for at least the next two weeks. I've gone through long periods without being able to see Him but lately i have such a need to be with Him that this latest news has left me feeling really low. It's like i'm bursting with a desire to see Him and it's so overpowering i'm having some difficulty keeping it in check.

I'm just feeling really upset now...

am i an emotional masochist?

I remember in the time i was "on the market" looking for an owner i was often backed into a corner having to itemise and categorise my interests, i.e. what i'm "into".

People came to me asking what i wanted to do but all i really knew was what i wanted to be, or rather, as i started seeing it in time, what i felt that i was: a slave.

But the list was difficult to escape. I had, for instance, to make my limits known. And one limit i knew i had to mention was pain. This is not a limit intended in the sense of "i will not do that". I certainly don't enjoy it but mostly it's quite simply a physical limit: there's only so much pain i can take. I never really presented this as a hard limit though, at least in time as i came to see myself having less and less of a say in what happened to me and i stopped thinking it was proper for me to place any hard limits.

For example, at the time i was D's, he was definitely uninterested in making too many concessions when indulging his love of inflicting pain on me and apart from wimpishly begging him not to, i ultimately loved knowing that i had no say in this. In fact, i think i actually came to enjoy that pain somehow.

Clearly my portraying myself as a total slave who places no limits on his Owner could be perceived as fake and hypocritical since there have been situations where i have walked away from men who were interested in owning me so i obviously took a decision or two for myself but those situations were more to do with perceived compatibility than activities i just wouldn't want to get involved in. Again, you might say that the line is blurry: if a prospective owner would have asked me to jump out of a window i would have walked away because i would have thought there was little compatibility because he wasn't a man interested in his slave's safety (or survival, in this case) but you might, if you will, say i wasn't "into" jumping to my death or that jumping to my death was a hard limit, thereby making it about specific activities.

Whatever that may be, my constant itemising my interests led me to face up to the fact that pain was not my thing. And the more you say something, the more you believe it: i am most definitely not INTO pain and i came to see myself as "not a masochist". This self definition has stuck with me all these years but in these days i am starting to re-evaluate this statement or at least fine-tune it. I certainly don't enjoy the pain physically, but do i enjoy it some other way? And mostly, what about emotional pain? I can definitely take it physically (if that even means anything) and i'm starting to wonder if i'm actually a little addicted to it.

I have a very strong emotional response to being a slave. It's not just about sexual arousal, although that's a clear by-product of it. Most importantly i experience great emotional turmoil as a result of exploring the submissive side of me and allowing it to come out.

This emotional response is often very difficult to manage for me and, sometimes i fear, maybe for my Master as well. I'm always going to want to see my Master more than He is able to, or otherwise wants to. Probably most non-live-in slaves (and some pets) experience something very similar. You don't see your Master all the time, maybe not for a long time, and you miss Him madly. What do you do?

My lack of direction on the issue is probably what causes me to jump between the two options i have and, quite possibly, what causes me to perform poorly.

Poor performance through lack of instructions is something I encounter sometimes. It's quite similar to when i must kneel for long periods of time. I generally kneel and rest on my heels but Master hasn't instructed me as to whether my feet should rest with the top against the floor or if i should pin my toes to prop myself up higher. This results often in my switching repeatedly between the two positions as they become uncomfortable and worrying that this frequent movement may not be proper posture and might quite possibly have earned me a few strokes from a less understanding master. Although Master doesn't control my every movement, i still want to give Him the most impeccable service and this probably isn't it.

Well, my uncertainty about how to deal with my emotions leaves me following the exact same pattern. i could write to Master endlessly about how much i want to see Him but i tell myself i mustn't bother Him, but i also must contact him daily as part of my routine giving Him some information about my day so, when that channel of communication is open, i suppose i let some extra information slip in, like how much i'm looking forward to seeing Him next, or how much i miss Him, or how much i really miss Him or how much i wonder when i'm going to see Him next or how much i really wonder when i'm going to see Him next or, i don't know, when am i going to see Him next. It's easy to get carried away, and i do, and Master hasn't told me i must keep these questions to myself -- in fact He encourages me to let Him know what's going on with me. But at the same time, He doesn't frequently engage in conversation with me on this or answer my questions and this often causes me some heartache and loneliness. Some emotional pain. Pain that i try to learn to live with.

Master has told me once that He expects me to learn to manage these emotions as part of my service to Him. It should be a no brainer that Master contacts me when He wants to and i have no say in that. Why can't i get into my thick skull how a proper slave behaves then? Perhaps I revert to a kind of pup-like behaviour from time to time.

I must say sometimes i even fall into a very "un-slave-like" mood where i ask myself why i must daily keep Him informed of all that i'm up to when He leaves me stewing in my own loneliness and lack of contact for days. The answer to this question is obviously very clear: because i'm His slave and i do what He tells me and He what He wants but the question remains: how do you deal with the pain?

The issue is further complicated by the fact that on some level i probably even enjoy that pain: being ignored until He chooses to see me and having to put myself, my needs and my desires on a shelf because all that matters is Him allows me to experience the reality of my slavery and is a powerful reminder that fuels again my emotional response like a self-feeding fire caught in a perpetual circle.

I think by ignoring me more these days Master is trying to teach me what kind of slave He wants me to be and he's giving me the opportunity to learn to manage my emotions. I'm His so i need to learn to be loved when He says and ignored when He says. And be grateful for any opportunity He gives me to please Him. That i am, i don't have to be taught to be grateful for His attention but the first part of the deal i'm still struggling to fully get to grasps with.

identity and exclusivity

When my partner and i first got together i was very young. At the time i hadn't given the prospect of actually becoming a slave any thought. I had always fantasised about it, but it was that: just a dream. I had never thought it might be possible without anyone inventing a time machine. This was before the internet became a dating tool. In those days you met who you met without refining by dropdown filters on a search page. Weren't we savages back then?

When i first came out to my boyfriend as a submissive it was a couple of weeks into our relationship. It was very hard for me to get it out as i had never really told anyone. The night i told him it was all a big drama, i ended up crying, i was ashamed, i thought i was disappointing him by being so weird. He was a bit shocked at first -- again, you must remember that this was before the internet could bring everything you've never wanted to know right there on your desktop -- but quickly came round to it and said he would "work around it", or something to that effect.

Working around it was great news for me at the time. It meant my submissiveness might actually be acknowledged in my life. Over time it became clear that this solution was not ideal. My dream was to be someone's slave and to be submissive to someone who's letting you serve them to make you happy has nothing to do with it. Yet, in those rare moments when i could be submissive, i was feeling something i had never felt before. I could be myself.

It's no coincidence that i talk about "coming out" because it's very similar to the way gay people feel when they can be openly gay and have people acknowledge that about them. It's incredible how important that is for us as people: to have our identities acknowledged. People who so squarely fall into the mainstream (if they are really out there) can't really understand what it feels like to not have that.

But over time, acknowledging it with my boyfriend alone was not enough, especially because i was never his slave although i was submissive sexually. But he didn't want an exclusively submissive sexual partner and having to go outside of that area made me a little uncomfortable.

Over time our relationship became open and i started exploring outside the nest. In this context i met people who knew from the start of my submissive nature and could relate to me on that level.

I think it's impossible to describe how liberating it feels to be open about it (which is also the main reason behind this blog). Talking to other submissives, for instance, can sometimes evoke a connection that is almost fraternal and translates an understanding that goes far beyond what words can express. And talking to a dominant man, who knows me as a submissive, puts me face to face with my very nature. It's primal, it's palpable tension and the pull is sometimes irresistible. it's lambs and wolfs, humans and vampires, moths and flames, planets and black holes…

That's what has made it hard over the years to find a Master that could make me a happy slave after going through many situations that were wrong for me but that sometimes i could not pull myself out of. Some men tried to enslave me and i tried to resist it, but found it hard sometimes, creating situations where it was unclear to them what i actually wanted.

The concept of a happy slave may make some readers smile incredulously. Does a slave have a right to aspire to be happy? Isn't that a contradiction of a slave's duty to quietly and promptly obey?

Perhaps… Perhaps i'm not a good enough slave in that sense. I do believe that a person's submissive nature doesn't preclude their right to aspire to be happy in their service to their owners and i'm very happy to finally be orbiting around that happiness.

I say orbiting because i'm obviously floating between my partner and my Master.

My partner and i always stayed together because, apart from some lack of sexual compatibility, we are deeply in love with each other and even now, in our second decade together, we can't stand to be apart for too long.

But over the years our relationship has evolved towards what was right for us. Our sex life stopped being central in our relationship until it became something that's external to it and doesn't involve each other anymore. These days my sexual life is completely in my Master's domain and serving Him sexually is all the sex i want or need. Or get, for that matter...

I suppose it is a little frustrating at times, considering that i don't see Master very frequently, but what slave can claim a right to not experience some frustration from time to time. Besides, i wouldn't want it any other way. The knowledge that i am exclusively reserved for Master's service makes me very happy and, most importantly, makes Him happy. My lack of sexual activity makes it all the more special when Master chooses to have me serve Him as it truly does make it all about Him.

I also love knowing that exclusivity obviously only goes one way. I never signed up for an equal relationship and i'm happy not having one. All i need is His continued desire to keep me for His exclusive service and use, to continue feeling his dominion over me and be allowed to express my identity to a Man who understands it, appreciates it and knows what to do with it.

all about my Master

A few days ago, i asked Master if He would allow me to write a little more about Him in this blog.

I have now been His for over 2 years. Two years and a quarter, in fact. Over this time, i have never written much about my slavery mainly because, as i've explained before, i felt that it wasn't really mine to talk about. In order to write about it, i have to write about my Master and i wasn't really sure He would want me to or that i should even ask. I always hesitate to ask something of Master, unless i have to. My reasoning is that if i have to ask, it is not something that He has wanted in the first place and asking for something for myself is not adequate slave behaviour.

i suppose we could call this a guideline, rather than a strict rule: i'm in no way claiming that i have never asked Master anything that he hadn't initiated first but i suppose i try to limit the extent to which i risk being a nuisance for Him and this request was never pressing enough to float to the top of the list of things to ask.

As it turns out, over 2 years and a quarter, the question has made its way to the top of said list and Master has allowed me to write a few things about Him which means i can now blog a little about my current situation.

As readers of this blog will know already, in the past my search for a Master has been hindered by the fact that i am not unattached. Although my partner of many years is aware of my submissive nature and understands my need to make it part of my real life, this has limited the number of Masters who have been interested in taking me as their slave. Personally, i have little interest in one-offs, role-play or "scenes" and was always seeking a deeper connection that would link me to the man who'd take me in hand but the masters who sought a slave like me, also wanted a live-in situation or an otherwise full-time arrangement.

Lucky for me, this has not been an issue for my Master because He cannot actually have me around all the time as he is also not unattached.

In fact, i am available to Him much more than He can even have me around which, although frustrating at times, means that i'm always available for Him when He wants me to go and serve Him and obviously this is the way things should be.

But this time around is not only a first in the sense that i am able to feel i can actually satisfy the Man who owns me in terms of His expectations with regards to the time He wants me with Him, He is also very different from any master who has tried his hand with me in the past in a number of ways, the most noteworthy of which is the fact that He is straight.

i must admit it was always a fantasy of mine to serve a straight man. i suppose the reality of it is different from the fantasy, as i will explain in a minute, but it's still a pretty strong factor playing on my mind as it is one additional element emphasising the difference between us.

My Master and i were born within a matter of days of each other at the opposite ends of the world. I think this similarity and opposition between us is quite emblematic of everything about us as it symbolises how we are at the same time very similar and very different from each other: in fact we could potentially have been the same type of person, but we're not: He's dominant and strong-willed and i'm quiet and submissive, He's stronger and i'm weaker, He's straight and i'm gay, He's my Master and i'm His slave.

It just all feels right.

Our personalities complement each other so well. From my point of view, He's everything that i am not and i love serving Him for that and can't thank my lucky star enough that He has chosen me, of all people, to be His slave.

I must admit that i like the fact that He is this "unsuspectable" straight married man out there in the world and i am -- unbeknownst to all -- His adoring slave.

I think the main bonus of my Master being straight is the fact that He is obviously completely disconnected from the "gay scene" which is an environment i have always found quite off-putting. I do like to hang around at the occasional gay bar for drinks and such but i have never liked the whole cruisy side of gay life and the superficiality that often seems to pervade it.

But His sexual orientation obviously also affects the way in which i serve Him, which, again, is very different from any Master who's owned me in the past. Initially, sexual service was not a strong part of the reason why Master wanted to own a slave but pretty quickly He began making use of me sexually. Sex with Master, however, is very different from sex with any other man before Him. His excitement comes not from any sexual objectification of me personally but purely through the power relationship: the knowledge that my body is His to use however He wishes and sex is but one of those uses.

In my case, obviously, it's a little different: i am very attracted to Master, i'm excited any time i'm near Him and love serving Him in whatever way He wants. I suppose this is one further difference between us that sees me being in a weaker role. This lack of sexual objectification on His part, however, is something i hadn't considered or worked into my previous fantasies about serving a straight man and it was initially something i was unprepared for.

I had never consciously thought about it before but a gay Master will look at a male slave differently from a straight Master. This is so obvious to say now, but before Master came around, i had never thought about it. That sexual tension is something that is clearly there with a gay Master and doesn't need to be spoken but the minute it's not there, you are definitely aware of its absence and a slave's nakedness can become much more naked.

I'm in no way implying that i feel rejected by Master but i think that in this context a slave becomes a lot more like a pet -- which incidentally is what Master likes to call me sometimes. He calls me His pet. And i truly feel that way 100%.

In this context there is no overlapping between the relationship we share and the ones with our respective partners because they could not be any more different. Of course i love my Master very much, but in an entirely different way from the way i do my partner. My Master is not my partner: He is my Owner, the man i lovingly serve and worship. And similarly i also feel His love for me, which i'm well aware, is very different from the love He has for His wife.

This leaves no room for any kind of jealousy. The simplicity and linearity of these feelings is what makes my slavery so special: there are no uncertainties, no mixed signals, no doubts, no scope for the relationship to develop in unforeseen directions.

All there is here is one Man and His slave.

absence

Some time ago, on the Slave Register, a slave asked: how much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub. The slave in question was feeling a little frustrated by what little time her master was spending with her and was looking, i suppose, for someone to confirm that something was wrong with her situation.

I felt that this topic was very well within the remit of my expertise and replied to that post in the way that rings true to my heart: as happy as i am to spend time with my Master, i find a way to enjoy spending time away from Him, and that is by knowing that at any time i'm keeping myself available for when He calls on me. At any given time, i'm satisfying my role as His slave by being ready to serve. This is the way things go between us: when He wants to see me, He calls me and i go to Him. When i want to see Him, I gaze outside my window longingly and hope He'll call me to Him.

The fact that my method sucks and His gets me to His front door when He wants is part and parcel of the disparity between us, so something that i can't be upset about. The fact that i have no way of controlling when i see Him and He can see me whenever He wants defines our relationship and reinforces my service to Him. This is the way that i find to "enjoy" the long periods of time i sometimes have to spend without seeing Him.

Well, that is the theory. And i can live by that theory most of the time, but sometimes things get that little bit harder. And when they start to get hard, they spiral downwards pretty quickly until i find myself unable to refrain from sending Master messages hinting to the fact that i'm anxiously waiting to see Him. Is that passive-aggressive? I don't know. Maybe just passive. I have no other way to channel the emotions stirred up by my desire to see Him when they start to get out of control.

Absence, like chastity, is hard to manage because it's characterised by a void, a negative space, an emptiness which, by its very definition, gives you nothing to hold or focus on, which means you have to create that certain something to work with, such as in this case is represented by the service, the obedience, those containers that transform the void into something you can handle and better manage. Without them, you're just moving around in empty space with nothing to hold on to.

reconnecting

Feeling a bit low today. I haven't seen Master for a while and we haven't been in touch very regularly.

I sometimes feel a little overwhelmed by feelings of abandonment. Master has reassured these fears of mine several times and has never hinted to wanting to let me go, which is why I try to work through them on my own. In fact, I know that there are constraints to His ability to see me and I've been working hard at trying to control these emotions. I guess sometimes I have this need deep within me that comes out and I need contact, I need to see Him, or talk to Him, or something…

I've felt unable to write much about the way things are going because I don't feel entitled to discuss things that involve Him and it's difficult to talk about my ownership, without talking about my Master.

I keep promising myself that I'll write more about this but then, whenever I do, I come to a point where I feel I should stop. I don't know how to continue without invading a space that doesn't feel mine to discuss. I don't know how many posts I've started and left unfinished.

I'm trying, these days, to re-approach the idea of blogging again.

Give me some time…

brand new

My posts have definitely gone down in frequency. One a year. I suppose being owned focusses your attention on your Owner rather than on writing about submission.

Today I'm marking 2 years from the day my Owner first took me on as His slave. To commemorate the event my body has received a first brand. Not a permanent one yet, but one nonetheless that visually marks me as my Owner's.

It is my greatest joy to carry my Master's mark and to see Him smile as he proudly looks at it.

a long delayed update

I almost made it a year without writing on this blog. I just checked it the other day and realised with some surprise that some people still visit from time to time and i thought it would be a good time for an update.

I am still wearing my collar and i have now been owned for over a year. Frankly I would say that this is it for me: i have definitely found my Master. I have given myself to Him as a slave and unless He decides to set me free (and He says He has no intention of doing that) i don't wish to even have a way out of my slavery. I don't get to see Him as often as i would like because He has other things in His life that take up His attention and as His slave i'm aware that waiting to be needed is part of my life but i'm more than happy to simply make myself available when He wants and has time to see me.

Of course i love slavishly waiting for Him to summon me and the time i do get to be with Him i am deliriously happy.

Kneeling at His feet, lovingly massaging them while He rests or is otherwise engaged is a moment of great happiness for me, when i feel right. When i get to show Him how much i love and worship Him. And i do. So much.

i haven't seen Him for a few weeks now and have missed Him terribly, but in just a few hours i'll be on my knees again, before the Man who owns me.

the orbit

Things continue to run beautifully. I see my Master regularly at least once a week and spend every other weekend with him. All the time i spend with him is a precious gift and his presence is enough for me to feel whole. It's as if he had a magical aura that could fix me, heal me.

As far as I am concerned, i think that this is it, i am now his. I have discovered a whole new dimension of devotion in feeling completely safe and protected. Trust is not even the word that describes it, because i trust him even more than i trust myself, feeling safer in his hands than my own.

I feel like a satellite that gravitates around him, held close by his strength defining my orbit.

Every day i have to pinch myself to realise that he truly has picked me to be his slave.

heavenly

Heaven, i'm in heaven... You know the song?

Well, I hate to brag but this is exactly how i've been feeling on the weekends I've been spending with my new Owner.

Yes, owned again and this time I'm on cloud nine. I'm sorry it has taken some time to update the blog with such major news. I'm going from a rather negative post to this. Well, such is life sometimes: full of surprises and unexpected turns. One of these surprises was meeting the man who has taken me on as his slave and filled my days with this intoxicating sense of safety and belonging.

A couple of months ago a dominant I was talking to said to me that previous Masters had "damaged" me. I didn't give this theory much credit at the time but now, as I'm confronted, day in, day out, with a Master who keeps filling me with an overpowering desire to keep serving him and belong to him, i have to reconsider my initially dismissive judgement, as an undefined something within me continues gnawing at my insides, making me fear that things will go wrong.

It seems i can't stop worrying about the way things will evolve. In spite of being reassured by events that nothing is going wrong, my insecurity keeps rearing its unattractive head and I keep fearing that I'll say or do something that will make him not want to continue owning me, leaving me lacking the protection and guidance that i'm beginning to grow familiar with, as it starts to permeate my everyday life.

So i guess that, despite my heavenly mood, i still haven't been able to fully relax and enjoy the sense of finally being welcomed into a space that is 100% me.