my 50s

Recently i have been looking at the idea of being a slave in a new light. Certain situations where i end up feeling hurt bring me to question this longing. Is the desire to put someone ahead of me really a consequence of thinking lowly of myself or simply a desire to please someone else. Why such a desire to please someone else? Why is the notion of simply going after my own sexual pleasure so unappealing from me? Why such a desire for acceptance, for being thought of as valuable property? Why should someone else be more important than me? Why would their orgasm be more important than my own?

These are the questions going around my head most of the time. At times i say to myself that for me it is not about sex at others i'm a little more self-critical and think that maybe i'm flattering myself with delusions of depth and it's really all about sex, even if a non-sexual or negative sexuality.

What i know is that in some way being a slave defines me. During my first preliminary session with my therapist, i nut-shelled the story of L and how i'd been ready to drop out of most things going on in my life to be with him and serve him. She said "you must have felt very lonely to consider throwing everything away on the basis of a sexual preference". Two things struck me about her words. The most obvious that i had felt very lonely. The second, more subtle, didn't seem so important, yet hit me right away. The fact that i was willing to throw everything away on the basis of a sexual preference. Obviously, it appears, i don't think of it as merely a sexual preference

During my trip to china i met guys who are gay and go through their lives never coming out to their families and friends. You don't need to go all that far, even here in the UK there are people who never come to terms with being gay, or rather they never come out, never acknowledging it as a part of them. They don't think much of it and lead an apparently straight life. Kind of like what i imagine people would have done in the 50s. It's not really a question of pretending, i think, probably a good number of them don't think it defines them to the point that they have to make an issue of it with a big coming out. So they don't, maybe they get married, they might chat online and have gay sex occasionally but ultimately for them gay is not what they are, it's what they do, or rather who they do. the only space for any gayness to come out is in the bedroom, and possibly not their own. Hard core gay activists will probably tell you they're in denial, they can't face being gay. but is that so? Or do we see gayness where there is nothing to see?

Well, gayness definitely exists. Whether it existed before we realised it did is a different matter altogether.

So which is it? is it identity or sexual behaviour. i welcome opposed opinions but i think the gay identity as we perceive it today is pretty much a product of our time and our culture. Does a gay identity even exist, or do we simply think it exists? personally i have internalised the idea that being gay is a part of my personality, i don't see it as the main part of it but it's certainly there and i make a point of not hiding it whilst at the same time not forcing it on people. i won't let people assume i am straight if it seems they're going that way, i won't be vague about whom i'm going to see in China if and when they ask, but i won't, say, fight for gay rights in the work place, i'll simply expect there not to be any discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation because... i guess i don't see why there would have to be.

I think that this approach does some good to the gay cause because it allows it to get treated it as it should be treated: as a non issue. By denying it, you make an issue of it for yourself and by stressing it you make an issue of it with other people. I'm just gay. Big deal.

Now, to come to issues more appropriate for this blog, the sexual behaviour vs personal identity debate can be transferred, as is, onto the slave/master platform. And it fits very nicely, too. i will definitely find it inappropriate to mention at work that i'm a slave. i would consider it discussing my sexlife in a context where it doesn't belong. But this inappropriateness might also disguise the fact that i'm simply ashamed of it, that i fear the way people would react to this. Maybe i'm once again choosing not to make an issue of it or i'm relegating it to the "sexual preference" category.

In a way being a slave really is a bit like being a gay man in the 50's. you will not discuss it with people outside a specific circle because you will normally see it as an element of your personal life that's inappropriate to disclose to just anybody. You might decide not to let it be a predominant element in your life, it's something you do on the side of your socially more acceptable vanilla-gay relationship.

Maybe it's a matter of where you draw the line between sex and self. But talking of lines implies that these two categories come in contact somewhere and are different degrees on the same scale, like there is an evolution from one stage to the other. Who we are as people and where we are as a society can be defined in terms of whether you classify a BDSM slave identity as a sexual preference or a character trait. i'm male, next i'm gay, next i'm a slave. Or, if you believe a slave's "slaveness" has an even more profound effect on his life than his sexual orientation, it could be slave then male and gay.

i'd certainly be very bad at making the case for M/s identity to be acceptable as an appropriate topic when discussing someone's personality. Oh, he's a funny guy, warm, outgoing, and makes a great doormat. but that's because i'm generally quite bad at selling anything. i never try to explain or convince people of anything. to give you an example, i'm a very convinced, satisfied and extremist mac user. i actually feel queasy when confronted with a windows machine but i will not, as many of my fellow macphiles, get into a fight to defend the power of the apple. maybe because i'm a submissive and i will not try to enforce my point on anyone else.

in the same way i'm also not going to convince people that there's a lot more to being a slave or a master than meets the eye. if they don't understand it, if they don't know it, i have no interest in explaining it to them. I'm not a prophet, a preacher or an evangelist. and i don't see it as my mission to spread the message to anybody. Maybe it's arrogant of me: assuming that they wouldn't understand but i'm not really willing to fight this battle. Not now.

But does this not mean that i'm living in that exact same situation as a gay man in the 50s. Am i not saying that the world is not ready to hear this? The line is still on sexual orientation and so i'm on private mode. And if i find it sad that a gay person should feel it inappropriate to disclose his gayness to the world isn't it equally sad that it should be inappropriate to be a slave?

i have recently been exchanging emails with someone who's been telling me things that are refreshingly new to me. Specifically he has been telling me some real shocking stuff. He says that being a slave is a great thing to be. Well, i guess i was surprised to hear that and even more surprised at experiencing my own surprise. It appears that i'm a self-hating slave, living in my own 50s wasting time feeling guilt and shame about not being the predatorial sort of fellow i feel that i should be.

The lesson is that i should embrace being who i am instead of trying to forcibly conform to roles that i don't fit in. This will not suddenly change everything for me. This not being hollywood, i guess it will take a bit of time for me to take this all in and maybe one day experience the liberal 60s.