un-juggling and uncompromising

i'm back to not juggling at the moment. Although my experience shows me that juggling and double chatting/dating/hooking up is not a huge deal because finding a master that brings out my desire to submit is definitely a rare event these days, i also know that it does happen and it has happened so i have this resolute determination to not submit to someone unless it feels right. Sounds stupid? Looking for Master Right... i guess but probably i don't need anything else as bad and i don't see any need to make a compromise and get into something i'm not convinced about. Un-juggling means that things tend to go rather slowly but i am positively scared by the prospect of meeting two people that awaken the slave in me and having to take that choice. i approach any such encounter with a sense of duty and if i offer myself as an available slave, i must be available at that moment in time. i don't want to have to seek dismissal by a master because a better one has come along. That shatters my idea of loyalty and devotion which is ultimately the thing i am looking to awaken.

But avoiding the horror situation of having to choose between 2 potential imaginary masters i might be interested in evokes a different sense of guilt for this: the list situation. The current setup implies that i have a list in my head. Once i've committed to meeting somebody, i don't arrange to meet someone else. But it doesn't exactly feel right to keep masters in a list. I guess to be a proper slave i should maybe give myself away on a first-come-first-served basis. No pun intended. Really. But that doesn't seem to be the best course of action. My experience, again, teaches me that waiting too long and assuming too much on the basis of a chat is generally a bad idea. But i can't help doing that.

So my mind, as always, spins out of control on this sort of thing. My friend J suggests that i take a slave holiday weekend, serving him along with his actual slave putting on hold this need, imposed by circumstances, to take decisions. Seeing it in this light does make it sound appealing but can i serve on a strict time basis feeling no devotion and no commitment? Maybe happy slavery is exactly there, in this unburdened letting go without there necessarily being this whole meant-to-be dimension. If this is right, I've definitely been looking in all the wrong places, confusing slavery with relationships. But can i do this? i don't know. it seems i have to reach this cataclysmic mental dimension before i can put my mind at rest, i have to let it spin out of control until all the hinges come loose and i can finally take it out of service.

But the suggested weekend is a long way away and in the meantime i can only keep spinning