chain of fool

ups and downs. constantly ups and downs. During the darker months of my depression i had left myself go because i didn't have the energy to look after myself anymore. I smoked for a whole year, i stopped going to the gym, i ate badly, i avoided my friends, i just slept, as much as i could, any time i could. i had become a vegetable, i carried on but i felt drained of all happiness, all energy, and i couldn't see a way out. i oscillated between feeling low and feeling completely lost with this fluid pain squeezing the centre of my stomach and leaving me no peace. i had thought many times of putting an end to things. I don't think i ever thought i would actually go through with it but it was the only thought that, in its immense sadness, could delineate some sort of a way out of all that.

Now it feels good to know that i'm on my way up and out of all that. I'm rising up in a helicopter and what i've left behind appears smaller and smaller down below. i'm still not happy and positive but i'm afraid i've never been that way so i should stick to obtainable goals. i have, after many attempts, managed, i think, to quit smoking. it's now been over 3 months since my last cigarette. The therapy is something that i've wanted to do for many years and is finally here. Things are happening around me and i don't fail to point them out to myself as a form of encouragement to continue on this road.

i might actually be in the process of starting up once again with my gym routine. It's still very early to speak but i'm feeling optimistic and i don't want to limit myself with regards to my hopes. But even that, i'm not yet at the stage where i can do it for myself. I see that as taking care of a body i would like to offer to a Master and i would like it to be something i can offer without shame.

Last night i did something silly. i have given myself a treat. I don't normally do this sort of things because... well, it's silly. But i thought why not and i let myself go to bed with a chain padlocked around my neck. it's just a fantasy thing and it doesn't mean that much to me really. Think of it as a security blanket, if you will. I fixed one end of the chain to one of the legs of my bed and the other was around my neck. I slept like that, turning in my bed feeling the metal on my skin, hearing the tinkling of one ring over the other, then moving in my bed and feeling the chain limit my freedom of movement. Happy to be held. Dreaming of being kept.

It hasn't meant that much really. It's been a bit of a fantasy, a game. i simply let some of my inside spill out onto my outside. Every now and then, i need to allow myself a treat.