mistakes

Can you ever really cleanse yourself of your mistakes?

Some time ago, owned by D, i realised how painful it was for me to mess up. Not painful on account of the punishment, which was always delivered swiftly and vigourously but because of my own inability to let go and put it behind me. Disappointing a master is something which leaves you feeling mortified, it's as if you had lost something you will never be able to regain. D would say that the punishment would wipe the slate clean and the offence would be forgotten but for me forgetting was rather more complicated. Like any other wound it takes time and time alone to heal. D would say "i tell you it's ok, so it's ok, it's forgotten" and i couldn't really argue with him over this, except for knowing within me that it wasn't forgotten.

Now, in these situations you really don't want to turn things into a therapy session in order for you to try and feel better, this is really not what it should all be about, but it's nevertheless hard to simply overcome this heaviness that makes you feel like it's all over and you're never going to regain your Master's trust. Gone are the days when after upsetting a parent, they would smile, tell you it's ok, and you'd feel good again. You'd think a Master would be able to command that same level of control over your feelings so why won't the sadness just go away?

Maybe it's because at that point it's really not about your Master anymore, you're angry at yourself so it's not your Master who must forgive you but you must do it yourself. Can you find it within yourself to have the generosity and compassion to forgive yourself for disappointing the person whose needs and desires you want put before anything else? Clearly not quite yet.