the new

Starting again to see someone new is worrying but exciting. Worrying because these days talk of ownership seems to have the same effect on me as talk of commitment to your average stereotyped 20-something straight guy but exciting because it's meeting someone new and because it's someone exciting.

The first post-online-chat encounter is possibly one of the toughest situations to go through. The person in front of you is both familiar and unknown, a stranger you thought you already knew so much about. I've found myself in one of these situations enough times to know that you leave with a completely different image in your head than what you came with.

But images i have my head full of. All the people in my past are still lingering under my skin. I feel them and i'm very aware of them. D is the one who has fully owned me, L has broken my heart, C has showed me that a Master could care, and Mr Glasgow has given me this perfectly idealised fantasy, albeit self-admittedly erring somewhat on the cyber side of things, but matching like clockwork all of my needs and desires with his own.

i come out of all this enriched if somewhat burdened with past lives and heartaches. Letting in someone new can't be forced, it can only be felt and it's when you come out of that first encounter that you either feel it or you don't. What do i feel? i don't know. I'm following my senses and i slowly put one foot after the other, maybe skipping once or twice.

What i know is this time the new fascinates me and draws me to him, but i'm unable to understand, let alone verbalise, what exactly i'm expecting to find with him other than something new: something that i don't yet know.