i'm glad, i'm managing to stick to more of a regular gym schedule. After feeling low for a coulpe of weeks i've got back into the habit of training my body to make it more pleasing to my Master.
i have booked an assessment with a nice trainer at my gym to review my programme. Having to cancel my saturday appointment as per my Master's instructions, i rescheduled for next week. After booking the time slot the guy tells me it won't be with him but with some other trainer. He must have seen the disappointment in my eyes because about an hour later he comes to see me saying that if i wanted to train with him he could find me another time slot when he would be available.
i was quite surprised and taken aback by his delayed offer but was quite pleased i wouldn't have to do the assessment with some guy i didn't know.
What's this post doing on this blog? I don't know, it means i'm a little more positive and light hearted.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Saturday, February 18, 2006
irony
it's sadly ironic when you really want to please, serve and satisfy someone, make them happy, and it feels like you've managed to achieve the exact opposite.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
the bully
a couple of weeks ago i chatted after many months with someone who used to own me a long, long time ago: my first longer-term real-life master, in fact. His presence in my life was something of a short-lived, negative experience: never before had i met someone who could so skillfully manage to make me feel really shit about myself.
He has spent the last 15 months or so on some sort of death-row blocked status on my msn buddy list while i told myself i should delete him altogether. For some reason i didn't manage to delete him, however many times i considered it. i obviously seek that which destroys me. Besides, he exists in my mind landscape and there is no way for me to actually erase him even if i delete him from all my contact lists.
he is a sort of school bully: the guy that you dread running into because he's going to embarrass you in front of other people, force you to do stuff you "don't" want to do and make you feel lowly and dirty.
With him it's always a mix of being wanted and rejected. I used to look at him with a desire to please him and be wanted but he would always respond talking to me like he considered me a piece of trash. At the same time he did want me as a slave because i responded with genuine hurt to his taunts and he enjoyed that.
In this latest chat he again confused me with mixed messages. In his eyes, my submissiveness classifies me as a "looser", someone of little worth to amuse himself with. At the same time he says "you were perfect, exactly what i wanted" and i stupidly feel pleased by this remark however marked with contempt.
His approach kept me hooked for some time, yearning for his approval and consideration, something that appeared always out of reach, if not altogether out of sight. A final embrace that never came, replaced instead by cold mockery and ridicule.
Although determined to see the positive side of this somewhat twisted rapport in the satisfaction i could see it gave him, i eventually untangled myself and managed to escape from him. During the last few weeks i was his, i would feel nauseous and uneasy all day, his influence penetrated every moment of my life and i was completely unable to ever feel relaxed and at ease.
When i started freeing myself from his ownership i felt the greatest relief, like i could finally start breathing again. It took time, though. For a long period he kept trying to keep me in some sort of cybercaptivity by refusing to return my online accounts' passwords, insisting that i owed him one thing or another.
He obviously feels my own reactions are somehow inconsistent and i couldn't blame him for it. I both seek and run away from the treatment he so naturally reserves for me. I can't help it. I was genuinely pleased to talk to him again even though there is no doubt in my mind i am better off as far away as possible from this man. The last time we chatted i ended up having to block him because i felt terribly low for days and didn't dare unblock him until very recently.
There is no solution to this situation. I think he instinctively gets me without rationally understanding me at all. Even in my persistent attempt to try and make things right and get along with everybody, i can do nothing but surrender in the face of the mix of attraction and repulsion (intended as the force that naturally pushes 2 entities away from each other) that will always characterise this particular relationship.
He has spent the last 15 months or so on some sort of death-row blocked status on my msn buddy list while i told myself i should delete him altogether. For some reason i didn't manage to delete him, however many times i considered it. i obviously seek that which destroys me. Besides, he exists in my mind landscape and there is no way for me to actually erase him even if i delete him from all my contact lists.
he is a sort of school bully: the guy that you dread running into because he's going to embarrass you in front of other people, force you to do stuff you "don't" want to do and make you feel lowly and dirty.
With him it's always a mix of being wanted and rejected. I used to look at him with a desire to please him and be wanted but he would always respond talking to me like he considered me a piece of trash. At the same time he did want me as a slave because i responded with genuine hurt to his taunts and he enjoyed that.
In this latest chat he again confused me with mixed messages. In his eyes, my submissiveness classifies me as a "looser", someone of little worth to amuse himself with. At the same time he says "you were perfect, exactly what i wanted" and i stupidly feel pleased by this remark however marked with contempt.
His approach kept me hooked for some time, yearning for his approval and consideration, something that appeared always out of reach, if not altogether out of sight. A final embrace that never came, replaced instead by cold mockery and ridicule.
Although determined to see the positive side of this somewhat twisted rapport in the satisfaction i could see it gave him, i eventually untangled myself and managed to escape from him. During the last few weeks i was his, i would feel nauseous and uneasy all day, his influence penetrated every moment of my life and i was completely unable to ever feel relaxed and at ease.
When i started freeing myself from his ownership i felt the greatest relief, like i could finally start breathing again. It took time, though. For a long period he kept trying to keep me in some sort of cybercaptivity by refusing to return my online accounts' passwords, insisting that i owed him one thing or another.
He obviously feels my own reactions are somehow inconsistent and i couldn't blame him for it. I both seek and run away from the treatment he so naturally reserves for me. I can't help it. I was genuinely pleased to talk to him again even though there is no doubt in my mind i am better off as far away as possible from this man. The last time we chatted i ended up having to block him because i felt terribly low for days and didn't dare unblock him until very recently.
There is no solution to this situation. I think he instinctively gets me without rationally understanding me at all. Even in my persistent attempt to try and make things right and get along with everybody, i can do nothing but surrender in the face of the mix of attraction and repulsion (intended as the force that naturally pushes 2 entities away from each other) that will always characterise this particular relationship.
Monday, February 13, 2006
ajar
back from a short trip... so many blog entries, started and left unended... i have somehow lost myself... again. The therapist said the other day that "i need the therapy". I think she was merely repeating what i had said before, but hearing it coming from her, i didn't like it. Perhaps because i could only agree. Everything at the moment seems larger than me and impossible to manage. I fail to understand how i'm supposed to react to events that involve me. Presence and absence: they both trouble me and leave me unable to respond.
i feel tired and all i want is to sleep
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