My friend B told me yesterday that he has a new nick for me: the subversive submissive. B is the Master i met a year and a half ago [link] and later became someone i was simply giving head to when he was in the mood [link]. The slave/not-slave, friendly/detached situation eventually came to a breakdown and we moved our relationship to a more friendly basis. He is someone who likes to understand people so he has a way of asking questions and formulating theories that is very characteristic of him.
He often questions me in regards to my desire to be a slave and later presents me with his interpretation on the basis of what i have told him. His usual point is that he finds that i'm quite rigid. He says i have certain expectations of a Master that are very strict. One such example is the fact that i don't like a Master to give me a blow job, i wouldn't want to fuck my Master, in fact to be honest, i don't even like to consider the idea that my Master might like to get fucked or be submissive to anyone.
It's true, i find the idea somewhat disturbing and to be perfectly honest i'm not sure there's anything really wrong with it. As a slave, i see myself as 100% submissive and passive and the man i worship and serve has to be 100% active and dominant. I don't know if there's anything weird about this way of seeing things, but it is the way i see them and i don't think i should do something to modify it. Now, if i say this, he'll say that's a very assertive/dominant comment on my part and that makes me a slave who "dominates from the bottom".
i don't subscribe to this point of view. I think i need to live my slavery on the ideal premise that the 2 figures, Master and slave, complement each other forming a perfect unit that's unbreakable. Seamless. I know these are all utopian ideals but thinking that my Master would want to get fucked tarnishes this shiny metal image with the more uncertain life-like hues that have no place in this perfectly balanced world made of tops and bottoms, Masters and slaves, perfect fits. The fantasy, or the lifestyle, are built around this ideal of super-human manliness that's almost god-like. I realise they're big shoes to fill but it's what creates the magic -- the idea that to a slave, his Master is everything, infalllible and perfect: The Man. So, yes, that's rigid but the terms Master and slave have an intrinisic rigidity that makes them what they are and can't be taken out of them.
So he mocks me for my resolute decisiveness in expressing what i want. Maybe that makes me subversive in some way but I don't think that being submissive means i have to go along with whatever anyone is saying. i may have a tendency towards submissiveness in various areas of my life, but ultimately there's only one person that i have to be fully to.
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